What do I do? Doubts. Sadness.

Ugh. What if it's just me though? What if I am one of those hard to please, never satisfied women?

At one point (with my ex boyfriend) I felt like I had no doubts.. one of the first times where I felt completely secure and happy in a relationship and then.. boom. Found out he had been cheating on me throughout our ENTIRE relationship. Now I feel like I am always going to question my judgment, you know?

I keep going back and forth in my head thinking I definitely want to get married and then wanting to call it off. I'm still just so confused.

MPH, I know that you don't know any of us, but please believe me: you are NOT being difficult, it is NOT just you. Do not let ANYONE tell you that any of this is your fault.

MPHgirl, I can't stress how important it is for you to actually get counseling for yourself as well. What you are describing, not being able to trust your own judgement and perception of events, are classic examples of someone being gaslighted. This is a common technique of emotional abusers/manipulators to make you more susceptible to their harmful behavior. This is something that can persist for years after leaving the situation, which is why personal counseling is so important for you to be able to recognize the signs.

Also, I apologize if I'm coming off too harsh or overbearing. It is just that in everything you type, I see myself 15+ years ago. Almost exactly. And it actually hurts me to see someone else following down the path that caused me so much pain and cost me a lot of lost time and money.

I have been to counseling before for myself -- I suffered from PTSD for a while due to a bad car accident and I continued to see therapists for a long time after that (for those issues and other unrelated issues such as relationships and stress, etc). I guess it was nice to talk about things with a professional but I have never met a therapist/counselor who has offered a whole lot of feedback or advice. For example, while seeing a therapist about my cheating boyfriend, there were a lot of head nods and "mmhmms" but that was it. I was able to vent about feeling so hurt and disappointed but never really got much out of it.

I stopped going to therapy about 2-3 years ago.. so this past couples counseling session has been the first professional contact since then. She said that she would also like to meet with us separately as well, so I am going to take her up on that.

ETA: @ LisaKitty -- not harsh, nor overbearing. I appreciate the feedback. No one needs to worry about hurting my feelings on here--I'm interested in seeing outside perspectives on the situation.

Your FH isn't perfect and he never will be. Same goes for you and you obviously know this (I do applaud your efforts to offer grace to him) but know that you never have to settle for being disrespected or have hateful and hurtful words thrown your way.

Relationships and marriages aren't meant to tear us down but build us up and if that's not what you're getting from your relationship then I would at the very least recommend counseling (which, reading down the thread, it seems you've decided to pursue. Yay!!).

You are worth respect! Never forget that!

I'm glad to hear that you are planning on individual sessions with your counselor. As with any professionals, there are good ones and bad ones, as well as good fits and not-so-good fits. Sounds like you've found a good fit in your counselor.

IT'S NOT YOU!!!

Everyone has their baggage-- that stuff is not just going to go away. But when you're with the right person, they won't hold that baggage against you. It's hard to explain, but I have been severely insecure in most relationships. My bfs always made me feel like it was *my* problem that *I* needed to fix before I could be happy, but FH never, ever did that. He's always done his best to make me feel secure, and if I question him, he doensn't get defensive-- he talks it out with me. I know I can still sometimes run his patience, but he doesn't make me feel guilty for doing it. I hate that you are doubting yourself and think that maybe life will always be like this-- because it definitely doesn't have to be!! There is someone out there who will move the Earth to make you happy! Maybe it's your FH with some counseling and time to mature, or maybe it's someone you still haven't met. . . I don't know what the best decision for you is, but I DO KNOW that the best thing for you is not feeling like you do right now.

Also, one more quick thing. Your FH is right about "things will change" when you get married but only in the sense that they'll be magnified, not made easier. Being on the same page about finances and having a financially responsible man is important but having a man who doesn't respect you now will mean a man whose anger will only be magnified later on.

I will say that I put a lot of stock in counseling and programs for that type of thing but the person HAS to be willing to change.

Hoping the best for you, doll. You deserve it and more!

I only skimmed the comments but wanted to answer your initial question -

Have any of you ever been unsure of whether or not you are doing the right thing by marrying your partner? Have you ever had serious doubts?

No. I never had what I would consider "serious doubts." I would call it a sense of fear or uncertainty about the future or a nervous excitement about what a huge commitment marriage is. But that was about marriage itself, not about H and our relationship.

It's not you. You don't HAVE to get married just because you're not sure you can find someone better. Better to be single than be with someone who doesn't make you happy.

MPHGirl23 -- I just read this entire thread (and I wish I had done that before I posted on your thread about whether or not to tell your parents that you are having doubts despite the fact that they've gifted you $5K in wedding deposits). I'm going to talk very frankly to you, and I'm doing it because I can't stand the thought of any woman living in turmoil.

You wrote, "but he can just take things to the next level by swearing, insulting me or yelling at me. I knew he had some temper issues since the start and he has been working on them and has improved a lot but I still can't help but be absolutely tired of it." If you are "absolutely tired of it", you're telling yourself that he's made strides that are more significant than they really are. Absolutely tired means you've had it. You're tapped out. It means you've heard enough and you've absorbed enough. Those are your words, and they mean something.

If you actually shared those insults, as in writing them out, how awful would they be? Screaming Insults, peppered with aggressive cursing, is so damaging to the person on the receiving end. Remember, that mouth that's calling you a f***ing bitch is the same mouth that will speak deep and personal vows on your wedding day. Eventually, you'll begin to believe what he's saying or you will just shut him out. That's when you're in deep trouble. God forbid you have children listening to their mother being cursed and insulted. It will damage them in ways you can't imagine. It will alter the way your daughters think they should be treated by men, and it will alter the way your sons think they can treat women. He may turn his aggression on them (it is part of his character), and one day, those children will grow up and realize that you enabled him to verbally assault them (and you). I'm not being dramatic or making this up. I cannot stress enough how dangerous these interchanges are (especially if you react by sitting passively and crying).

You say he's participated in anger management classes before. Did he complete the course or did he stop going when he thought he was better? If he walked out before completing the program, that's a problem. If he stayed and still has the same anger problems, that's an issue. Honestly, I think you've fallen in love with a man who crosses boundaries, feels better because he's released his rage, and then apologizes once he sees the pain on your face. But what is that doing to you? How is that affecting you? You cannot forget being called an awful name by the man you sleep with and live with.

You add to that the issue of financial irresponsibility. I won't repeat the examples you gave, but I will promise you that being married to a man saddled with debt is something that will lead to those arguments you hate. Financial irresponsibility will destroy your relationship. You will find that you can't respect him (and once that happens, it's hard to repair). If it doesn't change, you will eventually despise him in ten, twenty, or thirty years because you will see your peers progressing, but you'll be saddled with debt. Eventually, you will deeply resent the fact that your partner doesn't have an understanding of what it means to be solvent.

If you father is already aware of his financial irresponsibility and has expressed his concern, slow down. You don't have to marry this man just because your parents have spent several thousand dollars on your wedding. I would stop the wedding planning.

You have a few huge issues here. Your FH needs to be rewired, and that doesn't happen easily or quickly, and having a deadline of a wedding date looming on the horizon will not help him realize an actual change. It's up to you. Is this the life you want? Do you think you can handle financial disasters coming your way? Can you stand your neighbors pitying you because they heard him screaming and insulting you the night before? There are plenty of beautiful, dreamy, ethereal quotes all over Facebook telling us that true love conquers every adversity. That's not true. I wish it were, but it's not. I've lived long enough to see broken-hearted women -- women in the fourth and fifth decades of life -- grieving and leaving a marriage they believed would work out because of love. The fallout is horrible.

You may love him, but you may not love being married to him. You've got a lot to think about...

MPHGirl, I don't have any wisdom to offer here, although I do agree with many previous posters, especially Centerpiece and Celia. But I just wanted to pop on to say our love, thoughts, and prayers are with you. Please don't ever feel like you are beating a dead horse, like you said in your other thread.

I want to address something that @centerpiece just wrote:

"God forbid you have children listening to their mother being cursed and insulted. It will damage them in ways you can't imagine."

I am the product of a father who yelled at and insulted my mother. Guess who he started tearing into when she was old enough? Me and my sisters. Countless times we have been called "dumb selfish bitches" or "f*cking stupid sluts." And worse.

The same words hurled at my mom he hurled at me.

And it has taken YEARS of personal hard work and active therapy to undo that damage. I'm 33 and still struggle with it to this day. During my 20 I put up with 7 years of a toxic relationship because I didn't think I could do any better and a large part of that was because I used to believe everything my dad told me. I thought I deserved to be treated horribly.

The fact of the matter is that NO ONE deserves to be called names or treated that way. NO ONE. There is no excuse for it.

Thank you @Centerpiece. You always leave such thoughtful comments and advice.

I do fear that I might be making things sound worse than they are though. He has definitely called me names, but it isn't a frequent thing. It's mostly the swearing that gets to me during arguments--it just comes off as aggressive and I think it's unnecessary. Same with the yelling and raising his voice. That being said, you are right in that I do feel tired of it. Every argument that has happened recently the first thing that has come to my mind is "Do I really want to deal with this for the rest of my life?" And I know that is saying something.

And you also hit the nail on the head with the anger management. He stopped going after 5 sessions--and I just recently found out that his counselor had suggested 20 sessions. The arguments had started to get less heated and he thought the counseling sessions were working and I guess decided that he didn't need to go anymore.

I guess I don't care about myself as much as I do my future children. I would never want to put them through any of the things that you mentioned. That is why I have a lot of thinking to do and I am hoping that counseling is a good start.

ETA: Thank you, also, to OGRandi, TheRascal and everyone who's left supporting comments and advice.

It doesn't matter if it's frequent or not.

My step-father offhandedly emotionally and verbally abused my mother for 14 years. fourteen years of marriage. She finally had the confidence to divorce him. Because he had her so wrapped up she committed suicide a few months later.

I don't tell this story lightly.

MPHgirl23 - You keep saying that you are afraid you are making things sound worse than they are. With all due respect, I think you are making things sound *exactly* as they are. Then after you get the advice you expected, you are trying to justify it to yourself that maybe things aren't that bad, in order to avoid hurting other people by making a 100% justified selfish decision about how you want the rest of your life to go. Remember, you are no good to your loved ones if you don't take care of your basic needs. As they say in the pre-flight safety demonstrations, please secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others with theirs'.

The Rascal -- I'm so sorry. You should have never been faced with that hideous, angry face shouting at you and calling you a slut. The mere thought of it is disgusting. I applaud you for getting the assistance you not only needed, but deserved. None of that mess was your fault. Thank God for competent, dedicated professionals who are able to take your hand and walk you into wholeness and truth, regardless of how long the journey is. Honestly, I believe that genuine counselors/therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists/social workers are the angels that dwell among us.

Ally....I don't know what to say. Your mother's suicide is an unbelievable tragedy, and as a mother, all I can tell you is that her pain was overwhelming. She loved you, but she was so damaged by abuse that she moved into a very dark place because she was looking for peace. My condolences to you, and I mean that with all sincerity.

I knew a couple who lived across the street while I was growing up. I babysat for their three kids. The wife was a terrific, friendly woman (Kathy), and to this day, I still dream about her. In my dreams, she's alive, healthy, and the same 28 year old that took all of us to the public swimming pool at least three times a week in the summer. Her husband had a serious temper issue. She was a good friend of my mother's, and my mother only hinted at the things Kathy endured. When I got older, my mother told me that Kathy was forced to do sexual things that made her very uncomfortable. She did them because she afraid of her husband. She even went to her priest for counsel.

Her husband had a bad temper -- a very bad temper. In fact, he pulled a gun on my father once (and that gun, fully loaded, was something the eight year old daughter showed me when I was babysitting one night. At the age of 14, I was watching a child open her father's night table drawer to show me a loaded .44 magnum that was sitting on top of porn magazines).

Unfortunately, the wife, the really friendly lady I still dream about, died at the age of 39 due to a heart condition. The husband remarried. One day, he and his new wife had an argument. He resolved that argument by getting his gun and shooting her. Then he went into the basement and shot himself. All of this happened in upper middle class suburbia. The guy had a temper issue, but nobody thought it would ever escalate to a murder/suicide. What the hell was so important -- what was the argument about -- what could have possibly caused him to react the way he did? Rage. Pure and simple. Rage.

MPHGirl23 -- I'm honestly not trying to freak you out. I'm just older than you and I've come to realize that a leopard changing their spots is rare, and if it happens, you've got an individual who is so devoted to new behavior that he might sound like a missionary for while.

I want the best for you, just as I want the best for every woman (and man) who joins this community. My most sincere wish is that you marry someone who has flaws like leaving the toilet seat up, not putting his socks in the hamper, or skipping the 3K miles oil change on the car. That's the stuff we have to accept. Flaws. Anything that attacks the other party -- no, we don't have to accept that. And when you have those children, you will feel something that is indescribable. You will want to protect them even if it hurts you. They will be everything to you. So take your time. Think, think, think. Don't let money or family pressure you into a marriage you're second guessing. Best of luck, sweetie, Keep us updated because we really do care.

@Ally I am so, so sorry to hear that. That must have been devastating. I can't even imagine...

And @LisaKitty--I do agree with you to an extent that I could be rationalizing but the other side of me just truly does not want to over exaggerate. I have had friends who have been in severe, physically abusive relationships and who were isolated from their friends and family. I just feel like making my situation out to be horrible would be belittling/over dramatic compared to what they and many others have gone through.

ETA: @Centerpiece that is horrifying to hear. I don't even know what to say.

I am 32 years old and am the product of a physical, emotional, and verbally abusive father. My mother finally had the courage to leave when we were five but a little girl wants her father around. My father had a temper unlike any other, and it is one trait that I wish I never inherited. He moved on and continued the same path with his new family. The turmoil of his actions is painfully apparent in all five of his adult children. We have struggled for so long and I feel the scars will always be there. But they began to heal when we buried him two years ago. When I look at my FW I melt every time she smiles. I worked hard on controlling my anger and learning to deal with my past. In the four years that we have been together it has never surfaced, boiled a bit, but NEVER surfaced. Even in the most uncomfortable disagreements *and there are not many* my words were always fair, and never used to hurt, damage, hinder, or belittle her. She is my whole world and our relationship heals my past each day we are together. Because of her my fathers cycle has ended at least with me, and it won't be passed to our children. My mother always told me "Love doesn't hurt. Love is simple. Love is easy. If it hurts it isn't love"~ I have never been hurt from loving my FW and I know she hasn't either.

Simple as that..........if it hurts it isn't love.............

Thanks, @Centerpiece.

@MPH, you must not compare your situation to others. Emotional pain is a terrible thing to inflict, just as physical punches are.

It doesn't feel good when your FH yells at you or screams profanities. It doesn't feel good when he insults you. In fact, it hurts you. Emotional pain like that cuts deep. It wounds and it scars.

I can only speak from my own experience as you can only speak from yours. I think you are taking smart, proactive steps by going to both joint and to individual counseling.