The first year of marriage is hard…really hard.

Entire article if anyone is interest:

http://soletstrythismarriagething.com/post/93273781230/7-truths-about-marriage-you-will-not-hear-in-church

Edit now that you posted the link and I've read the article: since that excerpt wasn't the whole point, I don't flat-out disagree with the whole article. But I still don't see why couples *must* do a lot of fighting and arguing and have an awful life their first year of marriage, so I still don't agree with the point you posted above.

I think it depends on your marriage. I am in the same boat as you, we have been together 8 years, lived together almost 3, getting married isn't going to be a huge lifestyle adjustment for us, other couples aren't so comfortable, the first year can be a huge adjustment period for some people.

I also think it depends on your situation. When my husband and I first moved in together, it was a big adjustment. Figuring things out is the hard part. It's big things like finance. It's small things like how annoyed one of you gets when the other doesn't make the bed. Think back to the year you both moved in together, ironing out the details. I am sure most people had their share of frustration.

FH and I already had that adjustment period when we moved in together. A year of fighting, uncertainty, total communication meltdowns. Now we've been sailing smooth for years, so I don't see marriage as a huge adjustment for us

I think it's a huge adjustment if you haven't lived together prior to the wedding. Simple things like adjusting to each others schedules and routines can be hard.

We actually had this discussion last night. FH said that he didn't think marriage would be a big deal for us (as far as change goes) because "I already feel like I'm married to you. I will be coming home to the same woman, she will just share my last name then."

I haven't read the article yet (I'm about to), but I think for people that have lived together before they got married, they've already gotten adjusted to life with another person. They know their quirks, sleeping habits, living habits, cleaning habits, and most importantly they know what makes the other person upset and how to fight in a constructive way to your relationship. However, someone who has never lived with their SO has to figure all of that stuff out in the first year. Sure they may have stayed over a few nights during the relationship, but once you live together, you find out everything about them. This is why my FH and I decided to break tradition and live together before even getting engaged. We wanted to make sure we were as 100% compatible as we believed ourselves to be, and once we get married, the only thing that's going to change is my last name because we already have our set routines.

I haven't read the artiticle but will when I am done posting. But I think for those couples that don't live together first truly have a hard time adjusting to married life. For those of us who have been together a long time and have lived with their FH before hand its really no change. The only thing that will change for me is my last name. We already live together, we already have joint accounts. Truly nothing changes but I becomes a MRS instead of a MS. I know a couple who had never spent a night together before they got married and truly had a very difficult time adjusting to married life. They got through it. But that first year was a toughy for them.

Edit: That article is full of baloney. Lol. This man was obviously very sheltered... I don't even know where to begin with the problems with this article.

Okay I read the article and I disagree about a few things, but that's just me. First, I do believe that there is definitely more than one person out there for everyone because obviously widows/widowers sometimes remarry. However, I don't think you should settle for anything less than what you want. I found my "perfect" person, yes he can be annoying sometimes, but the stuff that he does that can be annoying is stuff that was not important to me. I had a list of talents, personality traits, looks, age, and habits that my perfect man had to have, and I would not settle for anything less, for anything less would not work well with me and my talents, personality traits, and habits. I had made my list based on years of dating different men and learning what worked for me. I found him and it would be VERY hard to find another like him. Sometimes people just don't work and you aren't supposed to just hope God gives you the strength to learn to love them.

Second, I don't see anything wrong with marrying someone who is different than you. Sometimes, it can be a strength. I needed someone who was going to balance me out, not someone who was just like me. My FH's strengths counteract my weaknesses and vice versa. If it weren't for him, I would never get out of my comfort zone, I'd never have owned a kayak, and I definitely would never consider getting on a plane. It's about finding a person who, in a way, DOES complete you, but that you don't NEED for you to be happy. You definitely need to love yourself before loving someone else, I agree with him on that.

SO I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand I agree with some of what he is saying, and alot of it is just his personal perspective that I dont agree with.

But, I think it depends on how intertwined your lives are how easy the transition will be. My FH and I have been living together for a year already and just bought a house, but I know that there will be some transitioning, because we havent joined our finances or even completely our families yet. To me those things dont really happen until after you are married. So there are still some mentality changes we are going to have to make.

I agree with everyone who said it above, I think this mostly applies to those who are waiting to move in together after marriage. I cant even imagine moving in with someone and getting married all around the same time, that IS a ton of pressure and a lot of changes all at once. It's bound to be hard.

Blah, blah, blah, religious junk. His view is so skewed in his own favor. That's fine, he wrote the darn thing, and that's his opinion, so whatever.

We lived together for 2 years, and were together for exactly 4 years before getting married. The adjustment doesn't really need to be made to get through our first year of marriage.

His target audience seems to be other religious folks who are about to get married, and then make the transition into living together.

THIS IS STRICTLY MY OWN OPINION...I'm not saying that everyone that doesn't follow this is wrong.

I actually think that this article is fantastic! It brought up some solid points! For example, our society often "idolizes" marriage and it creates unrealistic expectations for people about what marriage is about. I loved this excerpt..

"4.) A spouse does not complete you

I hate you Jerry Maguire. You have brainwashed a generation of people to believe a lie. Spouses do not complete people. I bought this lie, and it wasn’t until I let go of any notion my wife could fill some void that I was able to truly love her. Until then, I was always frustrated. I expected Tiffani to do something she was incapable of doing.

If you are empty, broken, or insecure, and you believe a spouse is the silver bullet to your problems…buckle up. It will be a bumpy ride. Only God can fill those voids. You will never be able to enjoy the beauty of marriage if your spouse’s job is to complete you."

This was a huge issue in all of my previous relationships. It was even an issue in the beginning of my relationship with FH. We expect our spouses to fill this void inside of us. We look at what THEY can do for us. How THEY can enhance our lives and help us to reach our personal goals. Marriage has turned into a "me" relationship. Putting that much pressure on your spouse is not fair. They are incapable of living up to all of our expectations no matter how hard they try. No one is perfect which means your spouse is BOUND to disappoint you at some point. People think that is unacceptable and it leads to arguing. When we drop our expectations and focus on how we can serve our spouse it changes EVERYTHING. At least it did for me! And this guy too.

Again...this is strictly MY opinion.

Hmm...well, FH and I have never lived together (I count staying at parents' houses when visiting as different than actually living together) and won't until we're married, but I suppose what I take issue with is the assumption that a couple has to fight. I certainly expect a lot of adjustments--as others on here have said, the first year of living together presents changes, and I don't expect them to all be seamless. But the idea that we will have to fight and argue instead of resolving things like adults...I think that's a little insulting.

I suppose I should come back after a year of marriage and post a follow-up story!

LOL @rusticbride

Yeah, that point is way more about people who haven't lived together before marriage. But even then, when I moved into the same apartment with my love, we didn't spend a year arguing. Yeah, there was some adjustment, but it wasn't that bad.

@Rachel, that's an interesting point. I'm starting to think that how women approach relationships is based on what they saw growing up. I was raised by a very strong woman. My mother definitely wears the pants in my family, but out of the goodness of her heart she tells everyone my dad does lol! They are a team, but they can also be alone without a problem. So what I've always looked for in a relationship is a man who could view me as their equal. I didn't ever think of a man as someone who could fix me, I just wanted a team member who balanced me out as we helped each other. I dumped men who thought that women should please them and I dumped men who acted like little girls. I never thought I'd marry a guy who reminded me of my father, but apparently that's the type of personality that works with the type of personality I have (my mother's) and here I go marrying a guy who acts just like my father. I try not to think of it like that, though. Also I act just like my FH's mother, as his mother is also a very strong independent woman.

@Melissa, I definitely think that we are raised has a lot to do with it!

I think that whether or not the first year of marriage/living together is hard has a lot to do with our expectations in relationships. Someone that relies heavily on their spouse to fill their physical and emotional needs *might* be disappointed easily thus leading to frequent fighting. I also believe that forgiveness and patience is key!

Melissa, I think you're points are spot on.

I agree with everyone else in that I believe that there were likely more growing pains when we first moved in together than there will be when we get married. That was a tougher transition for me because it took me a long time to put into practice the idea of putting someone else's needs and habits ahead of my own. I struggled with the selfishness of wanting Colton to assimilate to MY practices instead of creating our own routines and habits together. God, if I had a dollar for every time we argued about whether the shower curtain should be open or closed when it's not in use! Haha... my mom kept telling me "don't sweat the small stuff," and she was 100% correct, but it took me a while to apply that and actually believe it. But that was years ago and I'm grateful that we won't be experiencing that at the same time as being newly married!

My BFF/MOH moved out of her parent's house into her new house with her new husband. So she experienced 3 things that many, if not most, people experience as 3 very separate stages of their lives all at the same time: living away from home, moving in with a SO, and being married. Her first year of marriage was ROUGH. So much so that she didn't even change her last name until after their first anniversary because she wasn't so sure that they hadn't made a terrible mistake. But they survived!

I agree with Melissa in that I think it's most important to find someone with qualities that suit you as a person, as well as your wants and needs for your future. My mom is also a very strong woman and my dad is a lover. He's a man's man in that he can fix anything and he loves sports, but he's very emotionally dependent and he adores my mom. This is the environment that I grew up in, and I'm a very independent, sometimes stoic, woman. My FH might as well be the same person as my dad haha, but we balance each other out and it works for us. He's also been surrounded by strong women his entire life, so we as a couple just make sense. Ultimately I think that we are definitely conditioned to have certain expectations/ideals when it comes to our relationships and marriage.

DH and I dated 4 1/2 before moving in together and it was almost a year after that when we got married. We definitely did not have an adjustment period. When we moved in together it felt so natural like we had been doing it for years and it still feels that way. We get along so well and almost never disagree on anything. On the other hand, DHs brother got married after dating his girlfriednd for 1 1/2 years. They did not live together before that because of religious reasons. For them, marriage was a tough adjustment, they argued all the time and still do. After 4 years of marriage and two kids, DHs brother says "he likes being a father more than a husband."

Me and FH have lived like we are married for almost 2 years and dated for only a few months or so before that. Our evenings are filled with diaper changes, feeding the toddler, and toddler baths. Weekends are filled with toddler tantrums and being jumped on incessantly as well as the amazing ness that comes with being a family. I really think it has to do with the couple and situation. If you've only dated for a year then yeah marriage might be hard to adjust to. If you've dated for a long time but only for a night and weekends per week than yea that might have an adjustment. Or if you've set up unrealistic expectations of FH doing anything differently that will lead to problems ( believe me ladies it happens, all the sudden FW expects FH to stop going out with friends etc it doesn't work like that.) if you've lived together and are happy with things then it will be life as normal! Lol