The first year of marriage is hard…really hard.

I agreed with a few points he made, and it is definately targeted towards Christian couples who haven't lived together, he has a very specific audience, so naturally a lot are going to disagree! I agreed with his idea to find someone with similar passions in certain area, my FH and I have talked about that, imagine one of you only wanting one or none kids and the other wants 5....tension is bound to happen, same with if one person has their heart set on missionary work and the other wants to be in America (or home country!)....tension. But this doesn't mean you need to marry the same exact person as you! My FH and I are pretty different in the way we thnk about things and do things, but it compliments each other, if the differences compliment, you make an awesome team once you work through how those differences can work to an advantage. Simple dumb example: I have striped sheets, floral bedding and polka pillows and FH has black sheets and plain blue bedding. If I did our decorating it would look like he lived in an Anthropologie cataloge (not ideal for a guy) and if he did the decorating I would feel like I lived in a bachelor pad, so we worked together and found a wonder blue bedspread and he let me have the patterned sheets. These are life goal differences but personality differences that come together beautifully!

I also like how @Rachel pointed out that some people view marriage as someone coming to complete them, that's a lofty goal to put on a person! Marriage is often about out doing one another in honor and love, not self seeking what can this person do for me, that's what can lead to a lot of arguements, I've seen it in our relationship already. If we put all our eggs so to say in a person to fulfill us, this can lead to extreme dissapointment and even failure because no one is perfect!

I agree, Happily. I think that it's less important to find a "soulmate" and more important to find someone who is/can be your "goalmate". You have to have similar ideals, goals, and ambitions for a relationship to truly work.

FH and I will have been together for a little over 8 years when we get married, and we've known since the beginning that we share the same views, expectations, and goals on marriage, children, parenting, etc. I don't think that there's a such thing as perfection in any person or relationship, but good communication and realistic expectations certainly make for a healthy relationship/marriage.

I agree with many of the points in the article and I agree with you ladies about the "transition" period. Learning to live together was the hardest part. I love the term "goalmate"! We knew each other inside and out by the time we were married. I knew his points of view, his goals, I'd seen examples of him following through with his goals, and I can pretty much anticipate his every move.

We did have some growing pains when we moved in together, but I knew I wasn't going to change him. I knew he was messy, this hasn't changed. 7 years and his wet towel is on the mat. And I think this is where "pick your battles" plays into the relationship. Is a wet towel on the mat worth being angry about? Not really. He's a good man, loves me, loyal, and a good provider. But again, I dated him for several years before we moved in together and I knew exactly what I was getting into.

Oh, "goalmate" should be the new replacement for soulmate! @Crowell Love it.

Haha well I tend to be more of a practical realist than a romantic usually, so goalmate suits my ideals better than soulmate!

My mom had so many wise tidbits to give me when Colt and I moved in together... don't sweat the small stuff, pick your battles. All easier said than done or learned for me! But the one thing that really clicked for me (passed down from her mother) was that "any bad habit your FH has now will only get worse with time." Essentially, don't expect to change your SO, and if there's something you actually can't stand to live with don't anticipate that it'll get better with time. I think that's great and practical advice!

Okay, in a completely non-religious way, as I would consider myself agnostic, I can agree with the point that Rachel made earlier about #4. You shouldn't expect a void to be filled by your spouse, otherwise you're going to be in a world of hurt. That being said, I believe that the "void" that he says God should be filling, I think that's on you as a person to fill. It is your responsibility to find a way to fill that void, find out who you are as a person, and how you can create your own happiness, to fill that void. If you try to make your spouse fill it, you end up disappointed and fighting. I can totally get with #4. My mom got divorced when I was 3, she wanted to have the stay at home mom experience, and she used my dad to fill her void. After they divorced, she obviously couldn't. She had to figure out how to fill it herself, and I've been lucky enough to watch that growing up so I knew how to do it. I think I have a pretty good handle on my void and filling it myself, thanks to her.

I hope that makes sense to everyone. I'd also like to put in my $.02 saying I totally agree that the transition period where a relationship is hard is living together. The first year of living with FH was pretty bad, and we weren't even engaged then. I'm watching one of my best friends have the same "first year" with his girlfriend.

@L "plus" A, (hope that plus sign shows up. It didn't.), that's exactly what I meant, too. It's definitely on you to find out how to make yourself happy. Find someone who balances you out, and in THAT way completes you, but definitely do not rely on them to make you happy all by themself. That's just asking for trouble. My sister is 5 years older than me and she still has not learned that lesson. I keep telling her to take a break from men and just find out who she is so she can love herself, but she doesn't understand and is constantly in bad relationships just because she doesn't want to be alone. I think it's finally sinking in with her because she is now taking a break and focusing on her career instead.

We lived together for 3 years before getting married, but we are fighting more than we used to. I don't think it has to do with signing a piece of paper, though. New things come up all the time.

I will say, however, that our fights are productive and we both know that we have to get through them - and we do.

Josh and I have been together for over 10 years and never lived together until we got married. I was really expecting to fight and have to deal with a lot of adjusting once we moved in together. We have only been married for 3 months but nothing has really changed. We live together now and we don't fight and we didn't really have an adjustment period. I don't know if it is because we've been together for so long so we already know each other's weird habits or something. I don't want to jinx us but so far marriage has been a breeze and we love it!