Starting a family and anxiety! Advice

How did your husband's or fiance deal with all of this ? Do you think it's right for a guy to say that deciding not to have kids due to my phobia is a deal breaker?

Do you actually want kids?

He is absolutely within his rights to say it's a deal breaker. To lie and say it doesn't bother him when it very obviously would to not have children due to your fear would only breed resentment and destroy the relationship anyway.

Before you go through with a marriage, you need to seek counseling NOW, and decide if having children is something you are willing/able to do. If not, you need to be honest with him, so he can move on and find someone who DOES share the same goals and family plans as he does.

You are letting a fear of something that is extremely unlikely rule your choices, which is already unhealthy, and what's worse, you are making excuses for not getting help with the issue.

Find a good psychologist and psychiatrist (because I suspect anti-anxiety meds will be involved), and go to the appointments. You also need to look into actual couples (NOT premarital) counseling so the two of you can decide how to proceed. I would absolutely postpone a wedding until this is absolutely resolved. It's unfair to your FH do do otherwise.

The worst thing is I know I sound crazy but then I get thoughts in my head that make me think I'm having a premonition. I keep thinking certain things are a sign of me dying in pregnancy (seeing 523 randomly on blank screen) I think that's a date I will die so I refuse to be pregnant in May. Lol I think I'm losing it . It doesn't help I Google a lot and came across to many horror stories about women dying due to premonitiona and my main pregnancy fear is AFE ...just because when it happens %80 death rate

Everytime I think positive nothing works out. That's why I'm afraid too.

My sister is a family counselor and I know she has worked with people that have tokophobia. I had a dream about three weeks before my daughter was born that I died in childbirth and was freaking the hell out and she was able to assist me in finding someone to talk to just to get it out. Look into finding a counselor for yourself and see if FH will go with you once you have started. Does he acknowledge that this a real fear?

Yes, I think it's natural! I can understand where you're both coming from, just don't get ahead of yourself. I've found great peace in just trusting the process. Instead of thinking too far ahead and worrying, I find more immediate, good things to focus on about being pregnant in the future, like what my FH's face will look like when I tell him, how amazing it will be to be carrying a whole new person, how fun it is thinking up names, etc. I've decided not to worry about childbirth until it's actually closer, because by then, I've heard I'll probably just be ready for the baby to come out into the world!!! God's got us, girl!

Yes i want my kids more then anything in this world ! But the fear is debilitating

You need professional help.

Before you go any further.

Are you speaking to a therapist? If having kids is something you want, you should really focus on your mental health and address this. You should make your mental health a priority regardless of what your plans for the future are.

I'm not dealing with that specific fear, but I have a severe phobia of being anesthetized, and I'm going to need surgery if I'm ever going to get pregnant.

Cognitive behavioral therapy has helped me to live with my powerful day-to-day generalized anxiety, so my hope is that I can find a therapist who does a lot of CBT and have them help me through this fear. I have a really intense job with rather extreme hours, so finding a therapist I can work with is challenging, but I've done it before.

My FH is open to adoption, as am I, if this doesn't happen...but I would also like to face my fear and create a child between us.

I think it is a bit harsh to call it a deal breaker. My FH has always said that he can go with or without kids and ultimately its my decision.

I also fear pregnancy. People always told me that it would change as I got older but it hasn't. One fear is the fear as being seen as weak. That may sound weird, but I am a professional and I don't want to be treated differently at work. I fear not feeling well and needing to miss work for doctor appointments and having people view me as weak because of it.

Also this may sound vain but I fear the changes to my body due to pregnancy. I am afraid I will hate the way I look after having children and will become depressed. I was overweight at one point in my life and it was a hard time for me. When I lost the weight I became fearful of ever gaining it back and feeling that way again.

From what you are describing, you need to seek intensive counseling with a licensed psychologist and/ or psychiatrist. Immediately.

Please follow MNA's advice and get with some professionals ASAP. There is lots of help for what you are experiencing and you don't have to have these fears and anxieties rule your life. It's going to take time and work and patience to have an answer about whether having kids is something you can do. Do not move forward with wedding planning. Move forward with seeking help.

Definitely see a therapist

My cousin and her husband both thought the other would change his/her mind about children... after 9 years of marriage neither of them did and they could not find a way to be happy together.

This is most definitely something you need to address - for yourself, and as a couple before you get married. The only way to stay on the same page is to start on the same page.

Having/wanting children is completely non-negotiable for FH. He wants a family. And I would love a family. However, we are both realistic that I have some health issues that may make getting/staying pregnant and actual childbirth are more difficult and dangerous for me than the typical person. We have already talked about what that could mean, how we plan to work together, and what we will do if things do/do not work out. It was miserable to talk about, but it's important to do it before making a decision on who you want to spend your life with.

Counseling. You need counseling. There is nothing wrong with your fear and it's valid; if it wasn't, it probably wouldn't have a name and other people wouldn't experience what you do.

Go to individual counseling and discuss your fear with a counselor. They will help you work through it. It could be rooted in irrational reasons, it could be rooted in rational reasons; whatever the cause of it may be, they'll be able to help you more than your FH or us can.

I also suggest couples counseling because while I understand how this is a deal-breaker, it's not fair of your FH to say that adoption or a surrogate isn't an option. That's invalidating your feelings.

Please seek professional help. There's a lot that a professional can do to help in this situation, for yourself and your relationship.

It is fair to be a deal breaker I have a friend who decidedly wanted to be a mother more than anything in this world and her husband never did. Guess who got divorced and is now remarried and ttc.

I think it's extremely harsh today 'face your fears, it's got to be your body or nothing' (regarding surrogate or adopting) that seems fucked up. And frankly given the story we have hear he's less than supportive and more selfish but it's not unfair to say "I want kids and if you don't then we are at an impasse '

That's not something you can really negotiate. Like' oh well just have one' you're stuck with them. Long term and if one partner only did it to appease the other you're going to have a parent that resents being forced to deal with said kid. And that's not fair. So no. It can and very well could be a deal breaker. But it doesn't sound like he's trying to help her with her actual problem. He's just saying 'face you fear because I want you to pop a kid out for me' which. Is problematic to me.

It's fair for a deal breaker to be kids or no kids. However it is not fair of him to demand you carry a pregnancy and give birth. I find it very odd he would try to force you into that instead of considering adoption or surrogacy, which are both valid options. I think you need to have couples counseling to discuss why he is not open to those options. What if you ttc and find out you can't? Will he consider other options then?

Also, I'd just like to add that his ultimatum in this situation does nothing to help. According to you, it's his way or the highway. What if there was a problem and you could not naturally conceive a child? Is the ultimatum going to come into play to? There's no shame in adoption or needing a surrogate. I myself have been told I may have issues conceiving a child and pregnancy, and my FH is completely on board with the fact that adoption may be our only option. He's actually really excited about it.

I know you said it's impossible to find a therapist that works outside your work hours, but you're either going to have to (a) try really hard to find one or (b) take a day off from work to attend your session. I do it myself, either taking a personal day or working half-a-day/making up those hours elsewhere on my schedule. It can be a pain, yeah, but sometimes it needs to be done.

In this case, I feel like it's really beneficial. I hope you look into it, OP, for both yourself and your relationship. I wish you the best of luck!

I do agree that it's fair to make kids a deal-breaker. Prior to FH, I refused to date anyone who knew they wanted kids because I knew I didn't. I did some serious soul-searching before accepting a second date with FH because I knew he was special and I knew I was going to have to bend if things went well between us.