Starting a family and anxiety! Advice

Thanks everyone , yes I know I need help and I will be getting help once I find a therapist. All advice much appreciated. My FH and I discussed this we are still going on with wedding and we will be going to therapy together once in awhile, i just need to find someone that works the hours i want. So next few days ill be doing some hardcore research on finding a therapist. Hopefully in years time from now I'll be in better mental state and we can start trying because I really do want my own biological kids more then anything. I want a kid before I'm 30 that's always been our goal.

I know what has caused my anxiety as I was told my doctors and therapist in the past. When I was 7 I saw my grandmother in a casket at her wake even though my mother told my relatives not to bring me to see her I was way to young. My mother said ever since then I started acting weird, for longest while I did not want to eat, I was afraid I was sick and was going to die at that young age. My mom obviously brought me to doctor and he said that could have messed me up a little, it will cause long term effects because i was so young. My mother was livid at my aunts for long time. As I grew up I wasn't to bad, every now and then I worry about headaches being worse case, I Googled a lot back then too. My anxiety was never severe though, I was able to brush my thoughts off quickly. Now that I'm older and I did way to much research on pregnancy ... I'm at point where I'm losing it. Internet has ruined my life and it's sad. This is suppose to be happiest time of my life and I'm making it so hard on myself.

I do have hypochondrias, severe general anxiety/mild depression and panic disorder according to my doctor. Hopefully one day I can get myself out of this dark place and I can look back and be happy I kept going.

I hate the idea of a gynecologist, and two days ago, I turned 56. When I became pregnant with my first child at the age of 22 (and the second, at the age of 24), I had a ton of fears, and those fears hit me when I watched a childbirth video at our Lamaze classes.

No woman, when they ponder the thought, loves the idea of their tight abs being stretched beyond recognition. No woman, if they're honest, loves the thought of urine leaking out when they sneeze or cough because they are carrying a child. No woman, if they're honest, embraces the though of a spinal injection that will erase the pain of an 11 - 36 hour labor that exceeds the pain of any menstrual cramp they've ever experienced. No woman, if they're honest, looks forward to an episiotomy, unless she's previously given birth and experienced a third or fourth degree laceration.

Here's helpful information. If you are frightened, skip the out of hospital, midwife experience. Find a doctor who will meet you at the hospital while you're in labor. Take his advice, take the painkillers that are offered to you, and know that a hospital is the best place for you and your newborn. Once you deliver your child, the pain is over. All that is left is a baby placed on your abdomen. To your left or right will be the father of that child, and you will feel something you've never felt before -- a sense of a new family. Sleep for a little while and when they bring that baby to you, something will happen that you can't imagine.

If you are in a modern hospital, you will not die giving birth. You will not only survive, but you will thrive. You are not of the mindset of delivering at home with a midwife, and that is absolutely fine. You need to be in an environment -- a state of the art hospital -- that has the physicians, surgeons, and equipment that is needed in an emergency. Just make sure your birth plan includes a hospital, and you and your infant will benefit from the miracles of science.

@OP don't know where you live but see if Zocdoc has doctors in your area. It's a site and app where you can input your details (like health insurance) and look for basically any type of doctor you want. They will narrow the results to those you need and you can see each docs availability. I found all my docs through zocdoc and the love not having to call each place to check availability.

Well op, all I can say at this point is that it is a HUGE mistake to proceed with the wedding as if everything is handled and figured out when your mental health is in such an unhealthy state. You are setting yourselves up for either an extremely difficult road, or heartbreak.

I don't see how it's a huge mistake if we talked about it and willing to work through it all together. He says he's serious if I can't get pregnant for any reason , he's okay with it. That's a different story. Aa long as I try and not give up on myself because of my fears. It will be long hard road but once i start getting help , we should be okay to start trying because it's a year from now , maybe a little over a year. I really don't want to throw it all away just because I'm having a hard time. I got to try and live my life. If I don't and I cancel wedding and not try to have my own kids, I can see myself being even worse. So quitting is not an option. We just have a long hard road ahead of us.

You are making that decision when you are in the depths of your illness, not from a place of clarity. There is a decent chance that the solution for you is therapy, medication, and not having kids. Oh look, now you get to make a choice between your sanity and your marriage. That sounds like a really great atmosphere for someone who obviously is dealing with a lot of anxiety issues. Do you have an appointment yet? You are describing things that are absolutely emergencies and treating them like they are just bumps in the road. "Not giving up on yourself" means being open to whatever solutions allow you to live a productive life, free from these devastating issues, and with a support system ready to swing into action when you need it. Is it possible that you can work through all this and make a grounded decision to get pregnant? Sure. But you don't know that right now, and you won't in the next year. It takes time to find the right medication and to get med levels right, and may take even more with you because you seem to have concerns about, and reject, taking them. Therapy of any kind takes time and effort. It has been more than 24 hours, and you still don't have an appointment. That level of work isn't going to get you well. Please put off the decision to marry until you, your therapists, and your doctors are 100% sure that that is a healthy option for you. If anyone close to me expressed similar issues to me, I would seriously consider driving them to the emergency room for an immediate evaluation and possible in patient treatment. It's that fucking serious. Do not make huge life decisions right now. Do make an appointment for an immediate evaluation and treatment. If your FH is serious about wanting to get married and "needing" for you to get pregnant or at least try, he should welcome the idea of putting all the wedding stuff on hold until you are in a place to guarantee that is something you can do. Please, please, make an appointment right now.

@Always nailed everything I had to say, @OP. To put it quite bluntly, you are not in any state at this point to enter into a marriage, especially with the stipulations you and your FH are placing upon it. You have absolutely zero idea whether or not you will even be able to reach a place where getting pregnant and carrying a pregnancy to term is a viable option for you, yet you want to bull right on in and just hope for the best. You've made exactly zero headway on getting any help thus far, and if I were your FH, I would have had you involuntarily committed when you started talking about seeing messages in numbers and having premonitions. Honestly, that level of therapy and treatment right now is what you NEED.

This will only get worse, and it's not fair for you or your FH to carry through the wedding as if everything is fine and normal when there is such a huge elephant in the room. Postponing is not canceling, and it is absolutely the best thing you could do for both yourself and your relationship at this point.

I feel bad for your fiancé and see this being a huge point of contention your entire marriage. Good luck.