Starting a family and anxiety! Advice

Props to you for sharing that, Jay. You are a brave and strong lady.

I agree with pps, you should seek therapy. No shame in getting help, a large number of people on this site and and in real life (myself included) have been to therapy at some point. It works, and you'll be much better off than if you keep brushing this off like you seem to be doing.

I want something natural and safe to take if there is such a thing out there.

Wow Jay , so sorry you went through all of that. You are a very strong women! I appreciate your advice.

OP, stop. Stop thinking about the limits you are going to put on your treatment. Just stop. A good pair of doctors will work with you to find the right meds if you need them, along with the right therapy. I had a lot of unhelpful attitude about taking psych meds, and finally got to a place where I just was willing to try anything to feel better and be able to function. Lexapro changed my life completely and totally for the better. It wasn't the first med I tried, but I stuck with it through the process. Discuss your concerns with your doctors and for god's sake don't self medicate with recreational drugs. You could make everything so much worse.

@Jay you'll be "normal" again. It's a new normal.

Everyone has given you great advice about seeking help.

I want to add that your fiancé's behavior is a huge red flag to me. There's nothing wrong about him wanting kids and that being a dealbreaker for him, but it sounds like he's basically dismissing your fear and telling you to get over it. He should be supporting you, not forcing you to get pregnant before you're ready just to "face your fears".

@AlwaysMs, thank-you. I don't talk about it often, but I do when I feel my experience would help!

@Mr&Mrs89, thank-you. I hope you do! Also, to answer about a natural way, you could look into a therapist that works with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). I think that might be a good fit for you, but of course, this is from an arm-chair psychologist. Its goal-oriented therapy that uses a hands-on approach to come up with solutions to change ways of thinking or behaviors that are behind a person's problem; in your case, being a fear of pregnancy. The woman with the spider phobia actually used CBT and by the end of the documentary, she was handling a tarantula without a problem.

ETA: As a disclaimer to my response to OP wanting a natural method, clearly if this approach and medication is needed, then the advice of the therapist should be taken. CBT and medication might be the option if they don't think CBT alone will help.

Okay- sorry not sorry.

"he's willing to accept it if there are complications- but he won't accept it if it's just my fear"

Excuse the fuck out of me- But no. That IS a complication.

THAT IS something that's happening. And your FH sounds like he has issues with all of this. I rarely say "if he loved you then...." type statements- but that's a reality- if he did love you- that would not be a something you could say- or he would say.

That's a fucked up thing to say.

I spent almost 3 years NOT having sex with my now husband- any time we played hansdies/heavy petting- I cried. I wept on his shoulder when I told him that when he touched me I saw someone else. and I was broken because I felt like I could never get over those experiences. I cried when I told him I had been raped. And I felt like I was drunk- it must have been my fault. Clearly I was bad- I was broken- who would want me- how could I have sex again without seeing another mans face- you know how fucking awful that would be to hear? pretty awful- I'd be crushed if he told me when I touched him he saw an ex in his minds eye. But he never turned that back on me- not once.

Three years. And he never told me to change- he never pressured me- never stopped caring- he never did anything other than love me as I was. I know many women how have had a very similar experience with a patient partner that never rushed anything- and never forced their opinion. Communication and being able to work through it was the answer. Not "my way or the highway"

Anyone who won't accept you as you are- and HELP you in the way that they can when you are truly at your worst- is not some one you want to spend your time with- or the rest of your life with- he sounds selfish and manipulative- you have a genuine issue that needs help. pressuring you for a natural birth is NOT the answer.

red flags.

Red flags everywhere.

@GymRat, double-post, but thank-you. I think I'm mostly settled into my new sense of normal. I've got some "quirks" still, but I'm glad to have a FH who understands that my normal is different from his, and knows what I need to avoid an episode or when I'm having an episode

@Op, this does not sound like your run of the mill anxiety/phobia to me. It sounds like it could possibly be much, much more. You need to seek help and FOLLOW THE DOCTORS DIRECTIONS even if you disagree with them.

The more you write, the more I suspect you will find yourself at the hospital within a year's time needing inpatient therapy if you don't get on this NOW. There are many, many major mental health red flags flying, and you need to seek treatment immediately.

I agree with everyone else, you should find a therapist (a psychiatrist is probably ideal). I am not a professional in this nor do I have the same fear as you, but I think your issue is a very real mental problem that is effecting you to the point where you can't go on normally.

I do also think it's harsh that your FH says it's a deal breaker. What if, God forbid, you found out you couldn't have kids; would he leave you then, after you've built a life with him? That's selfish, in my opinion. My SO and I both agree that if that happens to me (or him), then we would just accept it and live our lives as the two of us with our rabbits, because ultimately, our relationship is more important than what only could be.

ETA: I just read where you mentioned if you were infertile. Thanks to a shattered iPhone screen, it's hard to read some posts. But still, your phobia is still messing with your health, and in my opinion, I still think it's harsh of him to say it's a deal breaker.

OP- your fears of treatment and side effects could be very well related to the pregnancy/birth fear and could give you more clues that this is something more than a regular fear. Not saying it is. Just something to think about.

I feel your pain. I have emetaphobia (fear of vomiting) and the thought of morning sickness keeps me up at night.

I haven't commented on anything on here in a long time, but your post made me want to interject.

First off, I've felt that debilitating fear. I've had to stop myself in the middle of a shower due to a panic attack from just thinking about having to have a c-section. This was when I was pretty young, too. Then I got pregnant, and the fear took over again. The first words out of my mouth to my husband were "I'm so scared". Not of being a mother, but of the pregnancy itself.

Turned out that pregnancy, for me a least, was a breeze while it lasted.

My fear for you is your husband's attitude. He says now that if you shouldn't be able to carry a baby for reasons beyond your control (medical reasons), that he would be okay with it, but I have a hard time believing that if he doesn't consider a major phobia to be a medical reason. Nobody has any idea how they will react to the loss of a pregnancy, or the inability to get pregnant, until they are in that situation. You just don't know. He needs to be okay with you not being able to have a biological child now, for ANY reason. I dated a guy who I know would not have been as supportive of my loss as my husband was. He, too, was very stuck on his desire to have a biological child, while it isn't a big deal to my husband to have one. You and your fiance both need to deal with this, before you get married. It may not seem as important now, while you're not trying to get pregnant, but it will be later.

Thank you for sharing @ KM. Those were wise words and I think they were very much needed. OP, how are you feeling?

OP I am concerned that you have made excuses, and then asked about medication/THC. Seek medical and professional help. A lot of people, myself included have benefited from CBT without medication. Your employer should be accommodating or you should be able to find someone to work with you during your lunch hour or after hours. I you get the support you need.

It sounds like you are going through quite a lot right now and could definitely use a safe space and additional support in a more therapeutic environment. I wish you well and recommend you try at finding a therapist within your schedule! I think there is even an app for therapy now! I'm not saying you should use that, I think in person is what you could potentially benefit from right now. I also want to tell you, stay strong. Reading through these comments and seeing your bravery, I commend you. It is tough to be vulnerable and share these things. So you have made a great step today in doing so. Seek support inside and outside of your circle of familiarity and be open to working through some tough things. You've got this. Just keep moving forward. We all have fears, we all have demons, thank you for sharing yours. You've got some googling therapists to do :-)

There is a HUGE difference between infertility and choosing not to get pregnant due to an untreated mental health issue.

For those saying her FH is being harsh with saying it's a deal breaker, please tell me how it's fair to him to feel trapped in a relationship where his SO is unwilling to have children because she wont seek help for issues that will likely only get worse with time, and OP has said that routes such as a surrogate are likely beyond their financial ability?

If she were saying she suddenly decided she didn't want to have children at all and he was pushing for kids, we would all be telling her it was a deal breaker and to find someone that feels as she does. From her FH's point of view, with op obviously unwilling to get and stick to treatment, I don't honestly see how this is any different.

Hi love- Have you heard of TalkSpace? It's an app for therapy that assigns you a doctor and then lets you have unlimited texting to them. I've heard good things about it, and it's decently affordable. I see a therapist about once or twice a month, but if I couldn't get that time off of work, I'd be using this app.

HOWEVER, to throw this out there. Your fiance is not the one carrying a child. He can never know what that feels like, or the fears associated with it. He may be a decent guy with his heart in the right place, but he DOES NOT get to tell you what to do with your own body. There are millions of guys out there who would be damn happy to adopt a baby or get a surrogate with you.