Starting a family and anxiety! Advice

I did tell him that it is a little harsh to be saying it is a deal breaker. I know he told me from very beginning that he needs to be with someone that willing to try to have a baby before he proposes. He says that he understands my fear and I just need to stop doing my googling like he keeps telling me. He's then goes on to reassure me that I'm not only one that has the risk of dying in pregnancy and birth. All this helps for a second then I'm back to my anxiety again.

I understand where he is coming from he has goals in life too but it does hurt to say if I don't try like I said I would it's a deal breaker. I told him this, he says he just wants me to be happy and to try get over my fear. Obviously if I couldn't get pregnant due to infertility then that's a different story he would accept it.

OP

PLEASE do not try to have a child in this state of mind. Pregnancy can often be really hard. I can't speak for every woman, only myself, but I didn't have an easy time of it. I had gestational diabetes and unexplained bleeding and pain. All of that was manageable, but it was also scary, and the only way to manage it efficiently was to remain calm and follow the orders of my doctors. I really don't think it's possible to do that if constantly in the grips of anxiety attacks. And anxiety can seriously complicate a pregnancy. Panic leads to high blood pressure which can cause a whole host of problems. And then after labor, which is exhausting and painful even without an element of anxiety, you need to be as mentally healthy as possible to care for a tiny human being who you love more than you ever dreamed you could love anyone and who is entirely dependent on you. If you spend nine months in fear and panic, it's going to be really hard to gather the strength to do that.

OP, if you really want to have a child through pregnancy with your FH, you need to get well first. That means prioritizing therapy. If you had cancer, you would make time for chemo. Your mental health is just as important, and you are currently suffering from a debilitating illness. Find a therapist. Look and work and negotiate until you find one that works with your work schedule or find a way to negotiate your rights as a disabled person in order to get time off work to pursue treatment. There is no magic pill. Nothing can make this better overnight. You are going to need to put in the time and the effort to get healthy if you want this to work, and I recommend your FH get therapy too so that he learns how to do a better job of supporting you on your quest for wellness.

If you don't value your own health enough to make this a priority, do it for your future child. He or she deserves a mother who will fight for his or her right to have the best possible life, and this is how you need to start doing that.

@Delfina you absolutely nailed it.

Pregnancy doesn't just cause physical changes. I had a pretty easy pregnancy but the mental changes I dealt with were really difficult at times, and still are at 3 weeks PP (I already suffered from anxiety before pregnancy). Please please please seek help, whether you end up deciding to have children or not. Your mental health is something you can't afford to neglect. Take personal time...even take some unpaid time if you have to. Check with your employer to see if they have an employee assistance program (many larger companies do now). And when you do go, he needs to go with you for the reasons @KM said.

It seems like your FH, and yourself to some extent, are attempting to sweep the problem under the rug by saying "well everyone is afraid/has risks". That's true- I would assume the vast majority of childless women intending to one day have children have some worries about pregnancy and childbirth. Some level of anxiety or nervousness about the process is normal- it's a big change.

Your level of anxiety is far beyond the worries of most women. Your FH should be recognizing that and trying to support you, not telling you to get over it. To me, and many other posters, it is a red flag that he is dismissive of your needs. If you ever do become pregnant, you will need his full emotional support, especially if your issues flare up. I would hate to see you pregnant and struggling with a partner who will berate you for your struggles and make them worse. I definitely agree that your FH needs to be part of whatever counseling arrangement you get set up.

For what it's worth, my biggest fear for any future pregnancies and children is PPD. I had depression as a high schooler, which means that I am at an increased risk of PPD. I plan on consulting my doctor, with my FH there, before ttc, or ASAP in the event of an unplanned pregnancy. I want FH to be a part of the conversation about what he and I should be watching for, steps I can take to minimize my chances of suffering from PPD, and what my options would be for treatment if I needed it, because he is my partner and I will need his support. I have absolutely no doubt that my FH would be totally supportive of me and treat my concerns and struggles as valid. You deserve the same.

I would definitely agree with everyone about seeking counseling. If you're willing to travel you may be able to find someone who has "odd" hours. I saw a therapist who had one day a week where she had hours until 10pm. It was amazing, but it took me a while to find her. At my worst I was seeing her once a week, and she seriously saved my life.

I will share some of my pregnancy story. I was scared of being pregnant and of childbirth - not at all at your level, but I think we (women) all are scared in some way when we start thinking about having children. It's a rollercoaster of emotions for sure. I ended up pregnant with twins. I was so sick for 18 weeks, lost 10 pounds in my first trimester, have a nerve problem in my right leg now (8 months post-partum and my right thigh is still numb and has been since I was about 22 weeks or so), and lingering numbness/pain in my back from where the spinal was. I had a c-section because one of my twins was breech and I didn't want to risk harming them by attempting a vaginal delivery. I had to go for testing often because I was a high risk pregnancy and if I was not fortunate enough to have a very strong teacher's union and contract behind me, I don't know how I would have been able to keep my job because of all of the doctor's appointments and calling out sick that I had to do. I left work at 28 weeks because I was having insane blood pressure readings at work and it was becoming unsafe, on top of the leg I couldn't feel while standing in front of a classroom of students. And even with all of that, I still had a relatively easy pregnancy (aside from the enormous monster belly )

I was diagnosed as bipolar right after college and the PPD hit me hard once my boys were born. Dealing with changing hormones, healing from surgery, unsuccessful breastfeeding, unsuccessful pumping, the guilt of full time formula feeding, and just figuring out how to be a mom, I didn't know how I was going to make it. 8 months into it, I'm finally starting to feel like a person again.

I'm not sharing that to scare you further, but if you want to have children, and this is a deal breaker for your FH, then you need to find ways to deal with being pregnant and therapy is the first step. It would also help to make sure you know how your FH will support you in all of these things. I read so much about women who say their baby's father doesn't support them, calls their PPD a joke, doesn't help them, etc. etc. that you need to make sure that you're on the same page with not just having children, but how you will support each other through the entire process. I love my children, but dealing with pregnancy, childbirth, and the first few post partem months are difficult for a lot of women and it would be best for you and your child(ren) to seek help sooner rather than later. If I wasn't seeing my therapist for as long as I did before I had children, I don't know how I would have coped with it.

MNA, what I was getting at was that his overall attitude needs to change IF he wants to continue this relationship. Whether it's a mental issue or a physical issue, his ONLY reaction should be "I'm with you in this, let's get you some help and I'll be there every step of the way". Not "You need to get over it somehow or I'm leaving." If that's the attitude he wants to have, then he should probably leave now before things potentially get worse. There's a lot of anger that happens when things are not going smoothly with having kids (I think you know that), and I would hate for that anger to ever be directed at her should something go wrong.

The good news is that phobias are highly treatable, but they take some work. As others have mentioned, it's really important that you seek professional help with this. I am willing to bet that if you get help from a therapist in conjunction with a psychiatrist they can get you through this.

It may also be important to ensure your FH understands the seriousness of your phobia. A few couples sessions may also be warranted.

I have a good friend who, for at least the first year or so of her marriage, never consummated it with sexual intercourse, because of very similar fears. It is not unheard of, and I'm sorry you are dealing with that. Invasive thoughts can be truly debilitating.

AlwaysMs said "I had a lot of unhelpful attitude about taking psych meds, and finally got to a place where I just was willing to try anything to feel better and be able to function." and I cannot agree with her more. I tried to tough things out for so long that I went into a spiral that has taken years to even somewhat emerge from. The excuses you're making for not getting help sound very much like my own a few years ago. Please swallow your pride and fear and get the ball rolling ASAP.

I will reiterate that it is so so important for your FH to be on the same page as you regarding your mental illness. It's not fair to either of you if he "can't deal" and you can't count on him for support when you need it.

Good luck OP. I really hope you get the help you need and can begin living a better life with less fear.

Jay- just wanted to thank you for sharing, so sorry that happened, and say you're forever a badass.

Everyone here has very good advice OP.

Please take something like this seriously and don't be pushed into a decision you don't want.

1) Having "premonitions" triggered by random numbers is not normal 2) Phobias are not something you can "get over" by force of will. 3) There are therapists who work outside of 8:00-5:00 M-F 4) Four days is not long enough to get any benefit from Zoloft

@JuneBride what a small world

Omg cara hey girl hey!!!

@KM: This is absolutely true, however OP herself has stated that she's been to a therapist in the past, was put on an anti-anxiety medication, and then went off it after only a few days because she became anxious about the medications/paranoid about its effects on her.

There are several red flags with the various pieces here that OP has laid out, and I don't think this is as simple as extreme health-related anxiety or even a phobia. The numerical messages and "premonitions" are HUGE indicators of a much more serious mental health issue, and couples with the fact that op doesn't trust medication to help her (which often goes along with some of those very mental health issues), it is very likely that she will need intensive inpatient therapy and a pregnancy in the future may not even be a good idea for her at all.

Should her FH tell her she has to try to get pregnant or he will leave? No. At the same time, he should not be expected to marry op knowing that there is a high chance that she isn't going to even attempt to seek treatment to be ABLE to handle an attempt to get pregnant, much less a pregnancy itself. I think that in couples therapy, a therapist will likely help them come to terms with the likelihood that due to this factor they might be better of seeking other partners, and her FH is absolutely justified if he desires to do so due to op not being willing to work to reach a healthy state.

She has received comment after comment urging her to seek therapy and psychiatric help. Op has given excuse after excuse as to why she "can't." This is typical of people with certain major mental health disorders, and it's often that they go untreated until they reach a breaking point. At that point, they are often hospitalized, typically involuntary, and treated intensely, and are given their diagnosis.

OP needs to seek treatment NOW and postpone indefinitely, until she and her FH know what they are dealing with and can make 100% informed decisions, but unfortunately, if op is unwilling to do that, I can't blame her FH for being willing to walk away.

Are you in therapy/being treated for your phobia?

@Jenna: They need couples counseling, NOT premarital counseling. Premarital counseling focuses on preparing a couple for marriage. This goes lightyears beyond that. They need COUPLES counseling. They are two totally different things.

Op also needs intensive individual counseling and sessions with a psychiatrist as well.

I deal with something similar to this but not as harsh as your phobia sounds. Honestly, I think my want to have kids is just way stronger than that fear. My FH has told me about births and how much safer they are nowadays, and easier with c-section births. I'm a tiny person and he's a big person so we decided that if the baby is going to be too big for me to have a natural birth easily, then we'll have me get a c-section. I was scared that it would ruin my body because my mom said it ruined hers, (though I've never thought her body looked "ruined") but he told me that the way they do c-section now isn't as rough on your body and won't leave much more than a small scar. No bumps or flabby stomachs because of it.

You don't have to take a day off. My fiance works 8-430 sometimes later every week day and he just leaves an hour or so early and goes to his appt. Some offices will also have early weekend hours. If it's something you really wanna work on so your marriage will work and you can have a family, then you will find a way to try

Ditto to everything MNA said, especially about the FH.

@OP, while I haven't experienced a phobia such as yours, I have experienced mental health issues for most of my adult life. Like a few others on this thread this was due to ptsd at a young age (age 5) followed by physical/sexual/severe mental abuse for 15 years. I've been in therapy on and off for most of my life. I've taken almost every major psychiatry drug and am well aware of the side effects. So trust me, I have experience when I say mental health issues are not something that just goes away. There were points in my life I made excuses just as you have here to not get help. After a life of trial and error, I can tell you things won't just snap to "normal" and the only way to get past this phobia or any mental illness is to seek professional help. You might need to see a few different psychologists till you find *the one* and same goes for the meds. You also have to stick with the treatment plans since things won't get fixed after one or two sessions. I see my therapist every other week and she keeps her practice open late on the nights I go to make it work for my schedule. Sometimes you've just got to ask.

I realized I needed serious help 5 years ago when I was standing at the edge of a NYC building ready to jump. That's where my ignoring the issues and making excuses took me. I'm not saying your situation will have as severe consequences but mental health is no joke.

You seem to have a serious phobia. Definitely work on yourself before marriage. Self-love= most important of all!

Is your fiancé going to be ok if for some reason you two can't have biological children? You say that he would but if it's such a deal breaker I sincerely doubt it. If you got over your fear but were unable to conceive? That's another conversation to have BEFORE you get married. Also talk to a therapist. There are bound to be a few that see patients on weekends or evenings.

Also fully ok that having children is a deal breaker for him. But he should be open to surrogates and adoption if a family is so important.