Planning My Own Bridal Shower

Alyssa has a great idea! bwahhha!

I second what Alyssa said. I'd tell her Fuck it. Do what you want. And then not show up.

Oh, man, Pancakes...You deserve a medal for dealing with these people! Your big sister needs serious help -- her attitude is so out of control! I mean, she really does not have a firm handle on reality. I'm really sorry that they're turning what should be a fun, special event into such a stressful situation. That's so unfair, and I think it's big of you to be so diplomatic about everything (although I definitely wouldn't have the self-restraint to be). Thank god you have your MOH to keep you sane!

I think it's funny that she said the invites are already out. But earlier that day she was yelling at me for not giving her a time. So how can the invites go out if she didn't have a time? And she said they are in her office? She lives in a 1 bedroom apartment. There is no office. And she works part time as a waitress. So it's not like she mailed them out at work. Just another example of her lying to make the situation more extreme. I don't know what to do because I kept telling her I didn't want any of that stuff but she kept saying it's happening. It is over 1.5 hours from our house and 1/3 of our guest list. The rest of the guest list, it would be the same drive if we had it at the place I want and let my MOH deal with it. Idk what to do. This is the most I've ever fought back with anyone in my family in a long time because it's just so much comes out of it. I usually just don't respond or just do what they say and get yelled at less. I feel so terrible for my MOH to deal with that. I'm so embarrassed. I tried to keep them from my family as long as possible but she said she wanted to handle it for me. I was born into it and have been dealing with it for 25 years. She doesn't have to so I just feel guilty for making her go through that all day yesterday while she was out.

Just tell her to do what she wants, and just don't show.

I feel like that would be rude to the guest, though. Some of my extended family I like. Most of those invited I like. So I don't want to be rude and not show up. I guess we just have to have it down there and my sister will intentionally make it crappy to get back at my MOH. If one relative comes, it will be from 2 hours away and that's too far to have to be a part of this nonsense.

No, Don't give in Pancakes!! Have it where you want it and have your MOH plan it! Your crazy sister will just have to deal. She won't be happy either way, just have it where you you want it!

edit: wrong use of the word "where vs wear" lol.

I've read all of the text messages. There is a tone in your sister's texts that can be best described as contemptuous. She speaks to you as if you were a child with a lying problem. I don't know why she approaches you that way, but I'm assuming it's an attitude she developed years ago. She does seems pretty convinced that you asked her to throw this shower because your MOH said she couldn't. As I kept reading, I just got more confused. Why is she sending out those construction paper invitations? Does she think she's a crafting genius (she's not), or is she trying to embarrass you? I've seen some pretty hand-made invitations -- not one of them was created using childrens' construction paper. Is she handing them out, putting them in envelopes, or just pretending they're post cards? I honestly don't get it. Moving on from that, there's the sentence in the text in which she says, "This isn't why I gave you permission to call me". What does that mean? Are you on a "no contact" list or something? Do you need permission to call your sister? If that's the case, why in the world would you allow this woman to have anything to do with your wedding shower? On top of that, you have another sister you say physically assaulted someone and threatened to burn down your house if you told the police you witnessed the attack. WHAT? You have a mother who says that your sister is calling the shots for your wedding. Why were these people even with you when you were shopping for a wedding gown? This sounds so unbelievably toxic that I'm kind of shocked.

At this point, and I hate to say it, you are encouraging their behavior. You wrote, "I guess we just have to have it down there and my sister will intentionally make it crappy to get back at my MOH". No, you don't have to do any of this, and you especially don't want your MOH to be the target of some vendetta by your sister. If you go along with this, you are telling them that you are willing to play the role of the submissive sibling. You can't do "diplomatic" with bullies, and by the way you've described them, they are bullies. You cut them out of your life. Actually, once you begin to respect yourself enough to stand up to them, they'll probably do the cutting for you.

There is no way that I'd attend the shower they're putting together. You have extended family -- people you like -- so it would be a good idea to contact those family members and tell them that the shower is cancelled. I know that sounds extreme, but it's no more extreme that what's been happening behind closed doors with your family. Besides, if your sister is going to intentionally make the shower crappy, why would you want those family members there? Some things are more important than appearances. If the backlash is significant -- as in, all of them won't come to your wedding -- consider it a blessing. These emotional ties go deep, and it will take courage to stand up for yourself. You may actually need some professional help to sort through this messy dynamic. It can be enormously helpful. Oh, and If the sister who threatened to burn down your house EVER threatens you again, get a restraining order -- or at least try. In the meantime, just keep reminding yourself that you teach people how to treat you -- even if they are your family.

Finally, where does your FH stand in all of this?

@Pancakes I'm so sorry you are dealing with this craziness. You have got to stand up for yourself and just stick to cancelling it with your sisters. I agree with Centerpiece if they won't cancel it call your family yourself and just let them know its cancelled its just not worth what your sister is doing to you. Especially if she is going to make it crappy anyway why waste your time and your guest time.

Pancakes - you know who is invited yes? is there a way for you to contact them and tell them not to go to the one thrown by your sister? I don't feel like you or anyone else should have to travel that far to go to what will most likely be a terrible time

I agree with everything the centerpiece flowers said.

Reading those texts is sad. You are so passive towards your sisters. You let them just walk all over you. None of your answers are firm. They are wishy washy and weak. Like you walk on egg shells around them. I realize that this dynamic has probably been going on for years, but I wish you would work on your self confidence and stop letting them walk all over you and speak to you so rudely.

Contact every single person on that list that you have them and tell them to disregard that invite and that the official invite will be arriving in the next few weeks and tell them the location so they are not confused.

You don't need this bullshit.

Centerpiece - I 100% agree with you that I am encouraging them to continue to treat me this way by just rolling over. I just don't know how to stand up for myself. I don't. And my mother raised her this way. Any time my older sister doesn't get what she wants, she starts getting upset so my mom just does what she says and then comes to me yelling about it. I've been slowly disconnecting myself with those family members and it seems to fuel the fire more. Because I will respond with short answers to my twin but not answer her calls (though she hasn't called me in over 3 months) because I want what she says on record and not on a call. But when she is nasty to me I don't respond. Which she then tells my family her rendering of the situation and I am the bad guy. I just want this to not be the disaster it has become. I never should have let her do the shower, I know. I kept telling her that I didn't want one and she kept pushing and pushing for months (we had a two year engagement) until I said "I guess you can do it." and then she went off doing things but making me decide every single step. They demanded that I give them table shapes (rectangle or round), table setup, food selection and location of gift table all last early summer. She picked out invites and I told her to get whatever was cheap. Go to the Dollar Tree and get something there. She bought some and texted me and I picked one. A month or so later she sent me the construction paper one. I asked what happened to the dollar tree ones. She said that because I refused to pick one, she returned them. I said the construction ones were fine. A month later she sent me a picture of a stencil she painted over and said she was going to use it for the invites. I said ok, She had me pick which one. I said I didn't care. She got upset that I wasn't giving her an actual answer. So I picked one. Yesterday she told me that I need to start figuring out food and calling places so she knows what's going on. So really, I have planned every step. But she is convinced I have done nothing. But I have the text messages to prove that she kept asking me and I told her to decide and she got upset when I said it was up to her. I don't know. I just try my best to stay away from this stuff. It was my plan all along to fully cut off ties with my mother and twin, at least, after the wedding. Because if I didn't invite them all to the wedding and play nice it would be a crap storm. When my twin got married, she was upset at my aunt for not taking the day off to make her centerpieces. So she was bad mouthing all of our family members to me. I said "I think they are just trying to help but don't have the vacation time to take off work." and she got mad at me. In her 2.5 month engagement, I was uninvited and re-invited at least 4 times to the shower and wedding. I wasn't re-invited to the wedding until the day before it took place. The entire time my whole family kept asking me why I was being so nasty to my twin and why I was trying to ruin this time for her and why I refused to attend the wedding. My family doesn't believe what is true, they believe whatever is the juiciest story and I don't bring others into a fight. Since I don't gossip, they only ever believe their side.

FH has not liked them from pretty early on (we've been together since mid-2010) because he sees first hand what they do to me and how they treat me and use me for my money and to do things for them since they know I won't fight back. I beg him to not say anything mean to them to keep things cordial, which is really tough for him but he does it for me. I keep him out of most of it because I don't want him to know the extent of how messed up my family is. He keeps telling me "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result" when I decide to help them again because they haven't yelled at me for a week or so and he's tired of seeing what it does to me. FH's career path will hopefully take him to Texas in about 2018, if he goes along the path he wants. We both are anxiously waiting for that to happen so I can get some relief because it does take a toll on us since it makes me upset a lot. But since I'm so used to it it doesn't bother me as much anymore. It's just like, eh, what else is new. I showed him just the text from my twin last night and not the others. Again, it was his friend's birthday yesterday and we were out so I didn't want to bring him down. And he left early this morning for a week trip in Texas so I didn't want him to be worried about me. I want him to have a good time out there. But FH is definitely on the page of "these are truly disgusting people and they shouldn't be allowed to still breathe air" lol. He wasn't inside the house when my twin made that dress comment last July, or else I know he would have flipped out on her because his restraint is running very thin.

I'll talk it over with my MOH and see how she wants to handle this. It isn't a long list. It was like 40 people and about 10 of those are our friends out here. We'll figure something out. I know that I speak wishy washy to them. I just want to make things as simple as possible with as little conflict. But it never works that way.

Jesus, they sound like they're seriously unbalanced. You don't have to take this nonsense behavior from them. It's high time you stood up for yourself. Why would you continue a relationship with these clowns? I'm with Centerpiece and others-call the guests and tell them it's cancelled. Then tell your dear sister that you've cancelled it so she doesn't have to feel "disrespected". Offer her $50 to cover her time and tell her to return everything else. The change your cell number. ️️Radio silence will be good for you...and let them know you're done. Presuming that you aren't taking any money from your family, you do NOT need anything from these toxic people.

Here are the texts with my older sister (on the left of the screen) and my MOH (on the right of the screen) from last night. She kept showing other people and everyone agreed it was ridiculous. I don't talk about my family much but what I say isn't nice. So my MOH was saying that she got to witness first hand what it was like for me. Even though she trusted me before, she has the evidence now.

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