Is It a Big Deal - Wedding Vows and "obey"

View Quoted Comment Regardless of where they or you are on the political spectrum, your beliefs should not be frowned upon because they are yours, and not anyone else's. It's not just your fiancé' day, it is both of your days. Is your FMIL talking bad about you to his side of the family? I would talk to your fiancé and make sure that he stands up and respects your feelings and beliefs.

And for the officiant and and his wife, I would find someone else.

PrettyinPink - get with your fiance and have a talk about this. If he is dismissive and you end up getting more support from strangers on the internet.....that is a sign. A big red and purple with pink sparklers sign.

Ditto to the very first commenter...my parents were married in super conservative Protestant church 30 years ago and left out the "obey" in their vows. Nobody says it anymore, even Christians. There's no need for him to force it. I'd try to find someone else if you can...

Ok so this is not my first rodeo, I got married 11 years ago, when I was 24 years old.
I was young, I had no idea what I was doing, so I enlisted the help of my mother. I thought, no big deal, my Mom's done this before, I haven't, yes let her help me.
BIG MISTAKE.
Now don't get me wrong, I appreciate everything my mother did, but by the time everything was all said and done, I felt like it wasn't even my wedding anymore. She made all the choices, even so much as going against me when I said I wanted something and telling me I was wrong and it would be so much better her way.

Being a Libra, I'm kind of unable to make a decision, and I'm pretty easy-going, so when I said I wanted Stargazer lilies, she said red roses would be so much more beautiful and elegant, okay fine, when I said I wanted to put my bridesmaids in white, and I wanted to wear Ivory, she said it was way too true unconditional, and how would anybody know that I was the bride. So my bridesmaids wore red, to match the flowers, and I wore white, which I didn't want to freaking do! Sure picked the favors which i thought were not great and She picked the photographer and the DJ, which again probably wouldn't have been a problem, but turned out that they both sucked! The photographer was awful, the pictures are ugly, and the DJ pretty much ruined my wedding with his song choices, and he wouldn't even play the songs that I requested.
Long story short, the wedding wasn't my own. And at the time, I was like okay whatever no big deal, I kind of don't know what I'm doing anyway so let's just do it your way and I'll be happy and it'll be a nice time. By the time the wedding day came, I was so miserable, and these thoughts were happening during the wedding because the entire time I had like this subconscious feeling in the back of my head like this could have been so much better, this SHOULD have been so much better. And then when I got my pictures back, it just reminded me all over again that nothing was done the way I wanted it to be. And it was my day, it should have been my way. So this time, when I'm getting married we're eloping. We're doing it our way no one's involved and that's it. I'm not telling you to elope, but I'm telling you that you need to stand up to your family and his family and tell him "I appreciate everything you're doing for me, but I will really really regret it if I'm not happy. And I don't want that bad memory over my day."

That would never be part of my vows ever. Find someone else.

These are YOU and FH's VOWS. Not your mothers. Not his mothers. No one elses. Absolutely not. You need to discuss your feelings with him and both of you need to shut this down immediately. it makes you uncomfortable, do NOT budge. this is not a choice they get to make for you.

If you are not happy with the efficient and do not wish to include "to obey" in your vows you need to have a conversation with your fiancé and explain this. After this convo I would try to find another officiant to marry you. Please do not go thru with a ceremony that you get no say in and do not feel right objecting to. If the paster, preacher, father whatever the title will not remove those words then honestly he doesn't need to marry you.

I read this and got 38 hot so made my comment and then went back and read what others have said. The more I am thinking about this the more I want to scream.....DO WHAT YOU WANT AND RUN FROM THT OFFICIANT. personally I do not care if the FMIL was paying for everything as she gets no say in your vows...your vows are for you and your significant other to recite as promises to each other. No other person has a right to tell you what must be in them. No you are not crazy, nor are you over reacting....also, I understand the need to make everyone happy, bite your tongue and try to get along, but as someone who had a MIL from hell you have to stand your ground, If you don't do it know she will run your relationship from this point forward. My ex MIL wanted my ex;s younger brother as the Best man. Well My ex picked his best friend so my EXMIL provided him meds that she knew he was allergic to, so he was in the hospital as we were saying our vows. Then when my daughter was born, her first grandchild, she had spasomodic croup, baby, asthma, and we asked everyone who smoked to do so outside of our house. She walked in, sat on the couch and lit up...the baby was right next to her....my ex said nothing...her horrible treatment lasted the entire 4 years of our marriage. We have been divorced for almost 30 years, and she doesn't even see her grandchildren or great children....which in my opinion is a blessing.

I'm 49. I don't obey. I do, however, talk with my FH a and take his opinion in high regard. He has only told me no, twice in the two years we have been together. Both times it was in regards to my health. This week, was the second time. I had a fever of 102.4 and was insisting on going to my caterering appt 85 min away. He insisted I reschedule.

The word obey would be a deal breaker for me. I could not vow something I know I could not and would not do. Vowing is sacred to me. I also would feel guilty making our friends party to my "lie" as witnesses.

I would put your foot down on this one.

Don't regret one more thing. This is your day too

OP, I hope when you talk to your FH he backs you up.

My H's family is all Catholic, all their family weddings are Catholic church weddings with the traditional vows.

We were married at our venue, by a female officiant (which H said would blow his family's minds), in a ceremony with not one mention of religion, with vows where we intentionally wrote in that we would work to build a relationship of equality. I give not one tenth of a crap about what H's family thought about any of that, because it was not their wedding and not their marriage.

Your vows and your ceremony need to reflect you and what you want your marriage to be, not what your FILs want your marriage to me. I would absolutely find a new officiant, even if it meant declining any money FILs have offered. And if H didn't back me up in these convictions, we would have a major problem.

I’ve been married for 13 years. The first thing I told my pastor (who I knew, and we were having a religious ceremony) was that I would not vow to obey my husband. He said that he doesn’t include that. I also told him that my father wasn’t giving me away because I was not property being transferred from my father to my husband. He told me he only included that one if people asked for it. I told him my problems with them were the inequity - the woman vows to obey, the woman is given away; the man is not.

Now I probably discussed this with H before hand (it was a while ago, I don’t actually remember), but it wasn’t something I needed his approval on. They were my vows and I am no one’s property. He also knew I had beliefs like this, so it’s not like it would have been a surprise.

My my parents have been married for 38 years. My mother did not vow to obey my father. She told her pastor to take it out. Side note - as a kid, I thought both partners vowed to obey, not just the woman.

I agree. We are rewriting our vows omitting "obey" as well. And also "promise" --as promises can be broken. Stick to your guns and say the vows you want to say!

Honestly this upsets me also. We are getting married by a catholic priest at our venue and we are not allowed to say our own vows. It’s really important to my father that we are married by the priest and I really don’t want to hurt my father so we gave in. We hate it though. We are probably going to write letters to one another with private vows. A lot of religious preaching is very misogynistic. If neither of you are religious and you don’t mind going against the wishes of your FMIL then find a new officiant.

This is your wedding. You get to call the shots. I would never in a million years say that I vow to "obey" someone, it's almost embarrassing saying that in front of a bunch of people. You are not someone else's subject. No one is. You are your own person and so is your FH and your marriage is a UNION of the two of you, not a promise to submit when told. I don't care who is spending what and what religion they are - "obey" is not a word that should be promised to another human being in any circumstance. Think of it this way - if your best friend was getting married and you heard her promise to obey her partner, how awkward would that feel? Stand your ground. No freaking way.

You are in the right here 10,000% and should NOT be FORCED to agree to / commit to vows you are at odds with. Your commitment in this relationship is between you and FH - NOT FMIL and NOT the pastor FMIL picked. I am incredibly impressed you got thru the meeting without losing your mind... I would have probably said screw you to the guy - whether he was being polite or not... he was still trying to force his religious and antiquated views about marriage on you.

I wouldn't even bother with a call to him - I wound get a Thank You card, and send him the card thanking him for his time and lunch but saying that due to differences in your core values you are electing to get married by someone else.

Than find someone else - now a days a friend can perform marriages after a few minutes online, so don't feel like you are in a time jam or don't have options.

If you are worried about FMIL you could do the same thing - send her a thank you card - give her a small token gift - thank you so much for all your help - We appreciate it but this is one decision FH and I have decided it's best we make for ourselves... IF you think this wouldn't work than it's time to let FH step up to the plate and deal with is mom...

Good Luck!!!

What denomination is your officiant? That's my big question! I'm really surprised that the vows are "non-negotiable". No joke it's on Wikipedia that the Episcopal Church voted "obey" out of their vows in 1922...

Here are a bunch of different versions of Christian vows straight from a Presbyterian pastor that all do not use the word obey:

"I ____, take you ____ to be my husband/wife. And I do promise before God and these witnesses to be your loving and faithful husband/wife in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health as long as we both shall live."

"___, I promise with God's help to be your faithful husband/wife to share with you all of my love and my life in good times and in bad, to respect and to serve you as Christ commands as long as we both shall live."

"I ___, take you ____ to be my husband/wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death. This is my solemn vow."

"I ___, take you ____ to be my lawfully wedded husband/wife, my best friend, my faithful partner, and my one true love. I promise to encourage you and inspire you and to love you truly through good times and bad. I will forever be there to laugh with you, to lift you up when you are down, and to love you unconditionally for as long as we both shall live."

We used the last example for our vows!

Deal breaker. I live in Colorado Springs which is a VERY religious city and I made it a point that our officiant will be far from religious. We have to pay travel fees to bring someone down from Denver.

f I had to say "obey" during my wedding ceremony I would start screaming and throwing things. No. No. No.

It's a sticky position for you to be in, but that would have been a deal breaker to me. I don't want to have to lie while saying my vows, and I certainly won't be "obeying" anyone.

I would follow McSkipper's advice and even if the pastor suddenly turns nice and says he'll make the change, I'd find someone else. What you don't want is to be standing there on your wedding day and he decides he's going to rework the vows on you. I wouldn't trust him to be willing to adapt.