Is It a Big Deal - Wedding Vows and "obey"

This was an absolute dealbreaker for me so I wouldn’t have used an officiant who wanted to include it. Even my parents, who married 30 years ago in the Catholic Church, excluded the word obey from their vows. I would speak with your FH, explain that you’re uncomfortable with this pastor marrying you, and find a new officiant. I’d also stop including his mother in meetings with vendors, especially if she isn’t paying.

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I should have mentioned she is our wedding planner (her side business) and this was a huge mistake...

Absolutely no way I would promise to "obey" another human being. Hard stop. Deal breaker.

Sounds like you need a new officiant, and you need to grow some bridal balls and stand up to your ILs! If you don't set boundaries this will be your relationship with them for the rest of your life. If you need to, enlist your FHs help in setting those boundaries.

I'm also concerned about the last line of the first paragraph where you said you think your FH might agree with the vows? Have you talked to him about it? Does he understand why that type of archaic and patriarchal mentality makes you uncomfortable?

Did you sign a contract with him? Personally, I agree with you. I am not a fan of “obey” and neither is my husband. We met with a wonderful officiant who was a non-denominational Christian pastor. He let us know upfront he did not use any literature like “obey” or “obedient” because he believed we were a partnership and neither of was greater than the other. When we did our walkthrough with him, he told my father and I that I was not a piece of property and I would not be given away. He would not ask who was giving me away and my H would walk to me and my dad. We LOVED him. If you’re not comfortable with him, you can let them know you’ve decided to go a different way with your officiant. Don’t feel bad he bought you lunch; he probably does that for all prospective clients. One lunch is not fair for you to be uncomfortable during your vows. And possibly leading up to your wedding - he may require you do pre marriage counseling with him.

This would 100% be a dealbreaker for me too. Just because the wedding is in your FIL's hometown, doesn't mean they get to choose your officiant for you! I wouldn't even try to "negotiate" your vows with this pastor. Find someone else who will perform the ceremony YOU want, with the vows that reflect BOTH of you, not only as a couple, but as individuals as well. This is YOUR wedding, and if it were me, I would not go ahead with something that was so grossly against my personal feelings. Our vows, while we didn't write them ourselves, were 100% our choosing, and our ceremony was put together in a joint, equal effort between us and the officiants. Not them just telling us what we have to say.

Time to put your foot down and stand up for what you want. Otherwise your FMIL will be steamrolling you for the rest of your life. Nip that ish in the bud right now.

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I'm so nervous about my FMIL. We got in a huge argument about it over the weekend and I think she dislikes that I'm such a "feminist", but really I'm just being normal living in the 21st century. The husband and wife also have invitations for the wedding and again are "family friends".

Irregardless if it causes problems, you need a new Officiant. You need to stand your ground to FH and his family now before it gets worse. My Officiant is amazing. She went over every word, reading and option available to us. It’s a completeky customized ceremony

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I completely agree. This is such a dealbreaker for me.

If you let your FMIL dictate this, you’re going to spend the rest of your life with her dictating what happens to you. Trust me- my exMIL is the same way and she is still always trying to be in my business. I haven’t been with her son for almost 5 years.

Dealbreaker! Run far away from this guy. Give your FMIL a courtesy heads up that this won't work. Then let him know it won't work and find someone else to officiate. There is still plenty of time.

It's not the word itself that's the deal breaker for me, it's that your officiant refuses to listen to your wants and concerns. The excuse of "Well, it's Biblical" to justify steamrolling over your wants is not ok, especially since neither one of you are enthusiastically religious. Tell your FH that you aren't comfortable with this pastor, get a different officiant, and stop including FMIL if she isn't paying.

Oh snap NO. Like, HELL no.
Go back and say “the more I thought about it, I actually am not comfortable with the vows as written. I’m sorry if this means you won’t be able to officiate for us, but if that’s the case, we’ll have to find someone else”

then find someone else.
This is YOUR wedding. It is absolutely essential you be comfortable with your own vows. It is NEVER too late to back out of an uncomfortable situation

Umm, so only you have to obey? He can kiss my right foot. I've no idea if we will keep traditional vows or do something different but not just one of us is promising to obey.
I know, there's very little that I would stand about either, but this is my line. This is where I go all John Procter and rant over I will not swear to a thing that I don't believe in.

I couldn't do it you are promising to obey your husband even if you disagree,

We got married in the Catholic church 1.5 years ago. We used the somewhat traditional vows and the word "obey" was not in there. We didn't eliminate it, it just wasn't there.

Talk to your FH and have an honest conversation about how you're feeling about the word "obey". He may be thinking this is just a word and for you it has a whole other meaning within your relationship.

Dealbreaker. I would never promise to obey anyone. Ever. This actually makes my blood boil. I would be out of there so fast and finding another officiant!

I'm honestly surprised by the responses. I thought people would think I was overreacting. I know she isn't paying (she is helping with wedding planning and DJ though), but I am sick of feeling like I'm wrong to feel the way I do about a lot...not just these vows. I feel like the whole family thinks I'm some crazy northern "feminazi".

Deal breaker for me too. I'm 110% a follower of Christ - but Christ alone - I won't "obey" any man.

I'd maybe revisit the convo with the officiant, or just find another one.

The bigger issue here is that you said you feel your FH agrees with them - revisit with him too.

FMIL Can shove it

You are not at fault for feeling this way, and you definitely should not be married by this man. It doesn't sound like any part of you believes you should "obey" your future husband, and that term is significantly outdated and offensive. You are entering into a partnership, not a slavery. Your ceremony should be happy, uplifting, and reflect your relationship. I really vote that you should get rid of him and hire a vendor that you're comfortable with. Look into life cycle celebrants in the area, they are what I have found to be the best.

Edit: If this was me, and the officiant even offered to take the word out, I would still find another officiant. I wouldn't want anybody to marry me if they believe that anybody should obey their spouse.

I really like McSkipper’s version of how to gently tell them no.

I think sarahs right. If you let your FMIL decide this, you will spend the rest of your life having her tell what you to do. I understand they’re family friends and if this means they won’t attend the wedding, so be it. You don’t want to look back on your wedding ceremony for the rest of your life thinking of anything negative, it truly is the most special and meaningful part of the day even if it is only 30 minutes.