Is It a Big Deal - Wedding Vows and "obey"

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Oh, my goodness GoodMOB, the exact same thing happened to us 31 yrs ago! Totally blindsided me. I actually didn't even hear it. I was in my own world in the moment. H still teases me about that fact that he knew darn well I was lying to God and everybody there that day, as there was virtually no chance I was planning on "obeying" anyone, ever. Probably why I'm so opinionated on this post! However, it sounds like we've both had great, long-lived marriages, despite "breaking our vows."

There is no way in the world I would vow--vow--to be lesser than my DH. And I didn't, 34 years ago when we were married. And I wouldn't have married him if he'd wanted me to say "obey." And I wouldn't trust an officiant who thinks you are the lesser partner and that "obey" should be in the ceremony; he'll slip it back in when you're at the altar. Find out what your DF really believes. If he's for "obey," don't marry him. If he's not for "obey," get a new officiant. Actually, I think it's time to get out from under his bulldozer of a mother and elope--if you still think marrying him (and thus her) is a good idea.

I wouldn't say vows that included the word "obey" for either of us. To me, the word means that you will whatever told with no questions asked in whatever situation. I will not do that and would not want my husband to either. And, vows are a promise made between two people of what they expect and want their future together to be. I wouldn't want to say something I knew was not going not actually happen. If you are ok with both of you including the word in your vows, that might be a good compromise. But, if you are not, I don't think this is something you should compromise.
I would have a conversation with your FH first and explain why you feel the way you do. Hopefully, he will be supportive. Then havens conversation with the pastor. Explain how you feel about including the word in the vows and let him know that it either need a to be said by both of you (If you at ok with that) or excludes all together. Let him know that you want your vows to be a true promise of what your relationship will be and that word does not reflect your relationship. Also tell him that you completely understand and respect his point of view and do not want him to compromise his own beliefs during the ceremony either. And that you completely understand if it would be better to find someone else who is more comfortable with the vows you have chosen to do the ceremony. If he does not want to preform the ceremony the way you and FH want it, someone else should do it.
I don't think it's a problem to have someone you don't know preform the ceremony. A lot of people choose to hire a professional officiant and only have a couple meeting or phone conversations before the wedding. We didn't meet or officiant until 2 days before the wedding.
If the pastor and his wife are good friends of the family, it's fine it they are still invited to the wedding. It would be rude to uninvited them at this point. They can choose if they still want to attend or not.

Have a heart to heart with your FH. He needs to understand just how important you hold vows. Is he on the same page? Have you discussed what that word means within the marriage and how you each see your marriage?

Personally, I would tell this guy to scratch. There will be no use of the word obey or any language that doesn't put FH and I as equals within our marriage. You and FH are partners within the marriage and your vows should represent such NOT use antiquated ideas that minimize the woman's role.

This whole post makes me extremely angry. I feel awful for you; I can't imagine how it would feel to have your in-laws and now your MOM pressuring you to just go with this guy when you're clearly not okay with him.

I'm going to reiterate what everyone else has said - grow some bridal balls and tell everyone NO. This is THE most important part of the whole day and is 100% about you and your FH. You should NOT be allowing anything to be said that you don't actually believe or believe in. If you cave into everyone and allow this to happen you will regret it for the rest of your life. If you're this upset about it now, you will absolutely regret it and will resent your in-laws, your mom, and your FH for allowing it to happen. Grow some balls and nip this in the bud now. Unfortunately, you're in a position where you're going to be uncomfortable to some extent and I'm sorry for that, but it is what it is. Stand up for yourself and have the marriage you want. You'll be a lot happier in the long run. You DO NOT want to go on pretending to be okay with things you're not really okay with just to appease his family.

Seriously. Listen to everyone's advice here and do not cave. And talk to your FH asap. My FH and I sometimes joke about "obeying" each other, but we both know it's a JOKE and we are in an equal partnership. I would not be able to go through with my marriage if my FH honestly believed in this archaic nonsense.

View Quoted Comment You're posting this stuff because you need support, which you aren't getting from your FMIL, mother, or honestly, your fiance at this point. You need to talk to your fiance about this. It is not acceptable that your in law and your mom are crossing a line with you. Yes, we let our parents tell us things and influence us in certain ways, but you need to be clear with them: you are an adult, who is about to stand up in front of everyone and make a very adult promise. They are not part of that promise. They do not get a say. You own your body, your mouth and the words that will come out of that mouth. Say only what you want.

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Wow, I thought I was the only one!

And Cassandra is so right: Even if this officiant would agree to not use "obey", he'll slip it back in during the ceremony when you're really caught.

I look forward to hearing how this one turns out. I'm rooting for "PrettyinPink"!

I've been married a long time and was married before as well and never ever did I agree to "obey" anyone. I remember the Pastor asked if I wanted that removed in 1983 and I of course said yes. It wasn't even discussed or included in my 2nd wedding in 1993 and when I went through RCIA to become catholic and we had our marriage blessed (which was really another wedding) there was no "obey" in the vows. I'm so sorry you're having to fight this fight.

Dude, no WAY! Anytime someone says “it’s biblical” generally is giving a bad reason for something not great.

And yeah, if you end up using this guy, and he doesn’t follow your wishes, I’d repeat everything except that and let HIM feel uncomfortable.

Insist that you thought a lot about it, and you both really want to write your own vows, period. Problem solved and no hurt feelings. Everyone saves face and a crisis is averted. If they don't want to accommodate that, they are declining the invitation to officiate without you having to "fire" them.

I don’t think this is something you can just get over. If it were me, I would probably be dreading that moment leading up to it most of the day. As long as your fiancé supports you and is completely on board, I would approach the situation as the couple that you are... and deal with it together, including the push from his mother and the pastor. Standing up for yourself and what you believe in is always easier when you have the right person by your side. So I encourage you to involve him in helping to stand your ground on this decision.

View Quoted Comment Exactly! I couldn’t agree more!

Forget about your in-laws side-eyeing you on your wedding day; that's nothing compared to how they'll make you feel the rest of your life, and unfortunately it sounds like your FH is right there with them. Sadly, sometimes things come out about our partners as wedding planning progresses that makes us see them in a completely different light. That has happened to me and I had to end an engagement years ago because of it. I had just become a new attorney and my salary was going to be more than my ex's. He couldn't take it and it eventually became the thorn between us. You need to really explore how your FH feels about the roles of women. This will be huge in your marriage. House chores, careers, children, taking care of sick kids, etc. It won't just stop at that one word "obey." This is a complete global perspective that will color and influence everything you two do together. Make sure you're on the same page now, because if you aren't, I'm sorry, I don't see you being happy for the long haul. Plus, if you are on the same page, you can be a team standing up against his parents. Overbearing in-laws can destroy a marriage if you aren't a team against them. I really hope you find your strength. You need to for yourself, but also for any future kids you may have. Find a new officiant. We got married in a church that we're not members of and didn't know the officiant either, but met him for a couple of hours a month before the ceremony and our ceremony was perfect. He really personalized it to us - and no, he never once asked me to say the word "obey." I have heard people substitute the word "respect" which I think is okay, but definitely not "obey." I wish you all the best, and know that there are people around the world supporting you!

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Hell yes! If you end up caving and going with this, turn the whole thing around in your ceremony and repeat everything except that. If the officiant made any sort of deal about it, I'm sure some of your guests would have your back.

I'm 100% in agreement with the sentiments expressed above. Do not vow anything you're uncomfortable with, and do not trust the officiant to take it out... I feel like it'll end up back in there, either on purpose or as a habit if that person is very used to marrying people with those vows. The vows are the one part of the wedding that I think you and your FH need to be on exactly the same page, no compromising. If you aren't on the same page about what you're vowing to each other, you may need to reevaluate.

The other thing I wanted to add was that caving in here to avoid alienating your FILs will likely make things worse later. I grew up in a pretty religious circle, and I found that the more and more that people think you agree with them, the more and more awkward it becomes to disagree. So disagree early, or else you're setting a precedence that might be hard to break later.

No no no no. the word rubs me the wrong way too.

Yikes. I hate that part too. Luckily, our officiant was fine taking that part out or else there'd be an issue. Hold your ground, speak up. And they are your VOWS. You should not say anything you don't mean and shouldn't be forced to say anything, so yeah that is kind of a big deal.

Same boat here!

I was pretty nervous from the start, too. I agreed to the pastor because it was what FH wanted, but I made it sternly known to the pastor I am not religious by any means. The pastor was very understanding and I will be having another chat with him soon to express that I do not want religious vows and prefer the standard "to love, to hold..ect" vows.

I suggest you express similar. Yes, the pastor wants to keep "obey" and go with the stereotypical "man is in charge" vows, but reword it to where it's in the middle. For example, "to obey" can be "to listen." Get a written copy of the vows and give it a shot.

You're a human, not a dog. That's absolutely ridiculous.