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PrettyinPink
Expert March 2018

Is It a Big Deal - Wedding Vows and "obey"

PrettyinPink, on February 6, 2018 at 12:05 PM

Posted in Etiquette and Advice 129

So my wedding is March 31st of this year and from the beginning of the wedding planning process my FMIL knew who our officiant would be. This whole wedding planning has been kind of backwards and somewhat regretful, with my parents graciously paying for the majority of the wedding yet accommodating...


So my wedding is March 31st of this year and from the beginning of the wedding planning process my FMIL knew who our officiant would be. This whole wedding planning has been kind of backwards and somewhat regretful, with my parents graciously paying for the majority of the wedding yet accommodating his side of the family by having it in SC where most of his family lives. I know this doesn't relate to what I'm asking, but has anyone felt like they want to just start over the whole wedding planning? I feel like I've lost myself and I know the most important thing is marrying the love of my life, but I cannot seem to get over all of this regret. Anyways, FMIL told me the officiant is the pastor at the church she attends and is a family friend of 20 years of so (even though fiancé is really not familiar with him). I really had no issue with the whole thing being that he supposedly is a pastor at a "nondenominational" church. I was raised Catholic, but I would consider myself more spiritual than religious. Fiancé was raised Southern Baptist and is somewhat religious but really didn't care either way. However, he thinks I'm being silly about such a small detail and kind of hinted to me that he agrees with the vows.

I feel like vows are very important! I am getting married in a ballroom and not a church, so the religious significance of the ceremony was not a huge deal to me. I recently met the pastor and his wife for the first time (yes, 2 months prior to the wedding) and he said we can change the vows however we like, BUT he will not leave out the word "obey" on my end. He even said he has never done a ceremony where people just write their own vows. He said it is simply biblical and started going on about how the man is the head of the household and his wife started talking about how I don't want to be the reason my fiancé cannot stand in front of God on "good terms" on judgement day. She didn't say it in a rude way at all and they were overall very sweet people but I was like "woah, what did I get myself into?". It is partially my fault being I should have asked these questions sooner (how was I to know?), but I really didn't think about it...my mother and father even told me that most vows don't even have that part anymore. My mom was very taken back by the whole thing and agreed with me. He made it seem like he wouldn't marry us if I wasn't okay with it and asked me how I felt. I lied to them and told them I was fine...I couldn't get out the words because I was with my FMIL and my fiancé (my fault again). Do I go and retract everything even after them meeting with us, buying us lunch and pretending like I was okay with it? Is the word really that big of a deal? I understand I could simply just tell them "no thanks" and I understand that it is his right. The word just rubs me the wrong way for some reason and I'm about to pretend like everything is okay and either not say it at all the day of or have my fiancé say it too without informing the pastor. Neither of these would be okay I imagine. I want to know why I feel like everything has been out of my control this whole time and why I feel like my wedding isn't truly my wedding but my FMILs.


My question is not "Are they wrong" but more so "Should I just get over it and let him marry us?"


129 Comments

  • C
    Devoted September 2020
    Caitlin ·
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    That would be a huge dealbreaker for this “liberal hippie.” FH’s Army buddies have called me that since I started dating and it’s a title I’ll wear proudly. I’m the liberal, atheist feminist in FH’s generally conservative and ultra religious family and I refuse to compromise my beliefs to appease them (respectfully of course and I have no problem attending church or anything of that nature). FH knows that and if he disagreed we wouldn’t be getting married.
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  • J
    Expert May 2018
    J ·
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    OP, you sound like a very nice person but I think you need to start sticking up for yourself and what you believe in! It’s better late than never! If you have kids are you going to let your FMIL make all your parenting decisions? I hope not! This will be good practice for having what might be a bit of a hard discussion with your FH. At the end of the day, this marriage is between you and FH and you two should be the only ones making the most important decisions. I think you need to talk to FH very soon and tell him that you did some research and found out that apparently almost no ones says “obey” in their vows anymore because it is considered outdated and sexist and, more importantly, you are extremely uncomfortable with it (I only suggested the first half because it sounds like he is being dismissive of your feelings). And maybe tell him you would really appreciate if he would be supportive of how you feel since you are supposed to be a team now. You can also tell him that you would like to look into other options and maybe even present him with some other people who could be your officiant. When something is important to you, you need to stand up for it! Good luck!
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  • Ashley
    VIP May 2018
    Ashley ·
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    I haven’t read all of the comments. I am a religious person and I don’t know how I feel about “obey”. to me the only person I need to obey is God. And even then, He gives me the choice and freewill lol. Maybe see if they can change the word to “submit”? I think it SOUNDS almost as bad as obey but the actual meaning in the Bible of submission, is mutual. At least how I understand it, and how my church explains it.
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  • Ashley
    VIP May 2018
    Ashley ·
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    Good for you!!! I love it when people stick to their guns, and stand up for themselves. Teach me your ways! I need to stand up for myself more often.
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  • Ryan&Jess
    Expert August 2018
    Ryan&Jess ·
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    I 100% recommends the vendor "Get Wed By Ed". Please check him out.
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  • Jurnee
    Expert May 2019
    Jurnee ·
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    That's really weird. The bible does state that we should submit to eachother. But no Baptist, Methodist or other wedding I've been to says obey in the vows.
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  • Sarah Katreen
    Dedicated August 2018
    Sarah Katreen ·
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    The labels his family may put on you says everything about them and nothing about you. Be proud of who you are and defend it. It can be hard in the short-run but you'll be so much happier in the long-run.

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  • R
    Savvy August 2018
    Raelynn ·
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    I have a huge issue with that word too because, well, I'm not a golden retriever. So our compromise was to choose an officiant who is open. He's catholic and I'm non denominational (they use "obey your husband" in both our churches) so we're getting married in a barn and we found an officiant who is a minister and marriage counselor. She also marries couples of totally different religions and same sex marriages. She sees love as love and I don't think commanding one another to wishes counts! She's wonderful and open. We can tweak our vows to include who is in charge of the TV remote if we want (though we'll be leaving that out). But she's Exactly who we want on our special day. If you're uncomfortable making that promise (who wouldn't be?) then don't.
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  • Ashley
    VIP May 2018
    Ashley ·
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    Yes it does, Ephesians 5:21-27

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  • Ashley
    VIP May 2018
    Ashley ·
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    I should add it has a different meaning then actually submit, the way I’ve learned / understand it, it means to put their needs before your own. Not actually be submissive and do what they say and when they say it. At least that’s my understanding!
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  • Jurnee
    Expert May 2019
    Jurnee ·
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    Yes. I'm aware. I stated that the word obey has never been in any protestant vows I've heard.
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  • BohoRN2017
    Expert November 2017
    BohoRN2017 ·
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    I attended my cousin's wedding at a "denominational" church, that basically sounded like a very typical Southern Baptist church. Yes, the pastor spent a long time talking about wives submitting to husbands and she said "obey" in her vows. I was cringing the whole time. So awkward...


    I have a copy of a Lutheran Hymnal from the 1960s and they certainly did not use the word obey even back then. For reference:

    "I take you, ______, to be my wife/husband from this day forward, to join with you and share all that is to come, and I promise to be faithful to you until death parts us."

    Stand your ground. I would get an independent officiant. Check wedding wire. I believe Celia used to recommend Celebrant USA

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  • E
    Super October 2017
    Emily ·
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    I just saw your update and I am really glad that you decided not to go with this. I hope you've been able to address your feelings about how your FH responded to this. It makes me think about an interaction I had with my MIL before we were married... I have a tennis bracelet from my ex. It's beautiful and I love it, so I wear it. She once said to me that she cannot believe her son let's me wear it and that her husband never would have let her wear something like that. I made it very clear that he has no place telling me what I can and cannot put on my body. I know the bracelet used to make him uncomfortable when we first started dating because he thought it was emotional attachment when really I just wear it because - shiny and diamonds. Now that he sees it's not a connection to a past and is in fact, just somthing I like to wear, he couldn't care less and even suggested I wear it at our wedding (that really threw her for a loop, haha).

    Either way, stand up for yourself. They may look at you and think you are a feminist or a democrat (since you used these words and inferred they won't approve of that) but that is fine as long as your fiance stands your ground with you. Those are words that you can be proud of even if they aren't being meant that way... I would WANT to be someone who isn't willing to say I will obey my husband and if someone doesn't like that about me then that's just fine. So talk to your fiance and see how he feels about all of this and how this will affect your lives together.

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  • DC
    Super May 2018
    DC ·
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    Oh hell no! Both of our parents are pastors and would never say no mess like that. The bible says submit, not obey. Stand your ground. This pastor is not the one.
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  • DC
    Super May 2018
    DC ·
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    And there is no "biblical" way to say vows. Personal vows are better because you are not forced to say something. You are speaking from the heart.
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  • PrettyinPink
    Expert March 2018
    PrettyinPink ·
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    Guys! He said he is going to write more contemporary vows for us and will send them to us. I guess he isn’t just omitting the word so that’s good because he can’t just throw it back in there? Should we just go with him? I guess I’m perfectly fine with that. What do you all think? I just wanted to keep everyone updated.
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  • Kristina
    Master August 2018
    Kristina ·
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    Obey to me sounds like an owner to his dog, not a husband and wife.

    Screw that stuff. The man doesn't need to be the head of the household any longer. That's completely archaic and misogynistic.

    We have a pastor officiating our wedding. We get to choose the bible passages he reads and we're writing our own vows. The fact that this guy is basically determining how you two will get married makes even me uncomfortable, and it's not my wedding!

    See if you can find a new one. Stand up for yourself. Tell your FH and FMIL that "obey" is not okay with you and explain why.

    I'd be highly uncomfortable with having that in my vows. I don't have to "obey" my husband- we're a team.

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  • Sarah
    Master June 2016
    Sarah ·
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    I thought you were hiring someone else? Honestly, based on your initial meeting and his and his wife’s behavior about this topic, I still wouldn’t feel confident using him no matter how much he changed the ceremony.
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  • PrettyinPink
    Expert March 2018
    PrettyinPink ·
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    You’re right. We told my FMIL and she said to my FH “well now he’s out $300 and his time” and I was like “are we supposed to use someone for our special day just out of guilt” so my FH called him and told him we couldn’t use him anymore and we found a female minister who does personalizes vows. Thanks for everyone’s support. I feel like my wedding is becoming my wedding again!
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  • E
    Super October 2017
    Emily ·
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    YAY! I saw your second post and thought of the story someone else told about their officiant saying it anyways. I'm glad that you and your fiance did not let your FMIL guilt you into using someone for your wedding - set those boundaries! I'm also really glad your fiance called him to cancel. It definitely shows he supports you.

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