Is It a Big Deal - Wedding Vows and "obey"

Yeah, this would be a hard pass for me. i am also concerned about your FH's reaction to your feelings about it--definitely something you want to follow up with him about to make sure you're on the same page when it comes to your feelings about what kind of partnership you are entering into together.

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What do I do if the couple is already invited? And, is it bad that I will have someone marrying us who we don't know? I feel like everyone gets married by someone they know. I just dislike the situation I'm in but I need to grow up.

Nope nope nope. I will not vow to obey. It sounds like the pastor and his wife were clear about not only the word but the meaning behind it that they expect you to abide by. That’s huge. You shouldn’t say a vow you don’t intend to keep.

I’m also super annoyed that his wife tried to guilt trip you.

Just nope. Talk to your FH and find another pastor.

Yeah, I'm so sorry for you.... This is wrong on so many levels, and it absolutely looks like you are being manipulated. You are a grown woman with your own beliefs and values, and if that includes not being submissive to anyone (which, by the way, I personally think is a very reasonable belief...) -- especially the one person who is supposed to be your forever equal partner -- you need to put your foot down HARD and FAST! Their officiant is out. He can attend as their guest/friend since that ship has sailed, but you and FH need to find an officiant who will help you put together a ceremony that truly reflects the promises you are freely making to each other. You can apologize for the misunderstanding and for not catching it earlier, but since this view is so far from what you believe you can't be faulted for not even realizing it was a possibility until it came up at the meeting over the weekend. You, and more importantly, FH need to stand up to her/them right now, "Thanks for all your help, but we've got it from here!" Good luck! It definitely sounds like you are going to need it with your FILs....

It sounds like to me that you're really just tired of your future in-laws making decisions about your wedding. Are the vows the last straw in this process?

Talk to your FH about what you're been thinking about the whole wedding planning. Let him know your frustrations. You may not be able to change some decisions, but at least you can potentially prevent other decisions that you aren't in favor of going forward.

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Hey, stop talking so negatively about yourself. It sounds like you have a lot of shame - I really hope your in laws aren't pressuring or blaming you. You don't deserve that! You certainly don't need to grow up and you have every right to be concerned and upset. "Growing up" don't mean "obeying" anyone or letting anyone dictate your experiences.

But a lot of couples don't know their officiant. We had only met her when we booked.

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His whole family the day of will side eye me though. I mean I don't want them to feel that way during the ceremony, "Oh, of course she had to pick a female officiant. She is such a Democrat." or some silly crap like that.

View Quoted Comment Lots of people hire a pro officiant that they don’t know. The key to a good pro is that they’ll get to know you, and it will feel like they know you for anyone witnessing the ceremony.

I don’t have any advice on them being invited. This is why I think it’s dangerous to work with friendors.

NOPE. This is your wedding, not your FMIL, not the pastors. If he is refusing to marry you because you won’t promise to “obey” your FH then find a new officiant immediately. Also, I really don’t think that because you aren’t promising to obey him that it means he can’t stand on “good terms” with God in judgement day. This is ridiculous to me. I grew up a Christian, but consider myself more spiritual than religious as well. My FH and I are writing our own vows and it’s what WE want on OUR wedding day. If our officiant told us we couldn’t or that I had to promise to “obey” him in the vows then we would be finding a new one. It is not their decision. I would sit down and have an honest heart to heart with your FH about how you feel. Also, if your wedding planner is FMIL (which you can already see the down side to that) she needs to try to stay as objective as possible seeing how this is more of a job for her than just planning her child’s wedding. I would tell her you have thought about it and are not comfortable with using her choice of officiant and ask for other recommendations.

No way. This is the most important part of your day. These vows are the promises you are making to each other and will (hopefully) last a lifetime. You need to discuss this with FH. It would alarm me a little bit that he is not as appalled as you are, but maybe he just doesn't realize the significance. I would discuss this with him and together explain to your FILs why this is not going to happen.

Hard no. Big gigantic HELL TO THE NO. Flip it - if you wanted to use the word obey for whatever reason and officiant said no way I don't believe in that.....too damn bad! It is your guy's day and you get vows how you want them.

Can you hire an officiant to perform your wedding at the ballroom and dismiss the pastor from his services? I would get on this sooner than later. Vows are so personal and you need to be saying ONLY what you are comfortable with.

FMIL can shut her piehole.

Absolutely not. I almost got stuck in this same situation. We had a very lovely chaplain my FH knew from work who was going to marry us. During our meeting I assumed we were there to talk about the ceremony and what it would entail. We ended up spending 3 HOURS listening to him counsel us on marriage and how my FH was the head of the household and the family's spiritual leader. He even broight up the obey thing and went defensive when he saw my fave because i am not good at hidding my disgust with that thought process. I'm sorry but we both pay the bills and we both get a say in what we do. I talked to FH about it after the fact and he had a very uncomfortable five minute phone call with him stating we would be going in a different direction.

You get your fiance on the phone with him and then for fmil and tell them both separately, pastor before mom, that you will be goikng in a different direction. Do not let them take over the most important part of your day.

This is absolutely a dealbreaker for me - and it was for my mother 38 years ago in the Catholic Church.

Get someone else to marry you. This is literally the one part of your wedding that is extremely important and 100% about you - you should not let someone else determine this for you. Without vows there is no wedding!

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Haha, we have a female officiant and I'm already the "tattooed, sinner, forced FH to move in before marriage, democrat, feminazi" in the eyes of my future in laws. It's hard to not be bothered by all of that. They will get over it, or maybe they won't. The important thing is that you're going to be happily married. Unfortunately we can't control what others think of us, and that they can't accept us for our raw selves.

To add to my response:

We hired a professional officiant that we didn't know. We also spent 3 hours in our original meeting with him but it was three hours of getting to know one another and forming a relationship with him so when he writes our personalized custom ceremony he can truly know us as individuals and a couple. He was previously a pastor but does weddings fulltime now so you can find one that is still religious. The idea of a professional is that they take the time to devote their attention to the two of you and really capture what you want to in your ceremony. My FH has bad anxiety and the officiant was really helpful in making him feel like there is nothing that can go wrong.

This is the ok be thing you'll regret more than any other decision you let them have. Put your foot down and own it. They can't dictate your love and devotion to your FH and they can't make you say vows you don't believe. Find a professional, I beg you. In the end would you rather them be happy or you be happy in knowing your vows came from your soul even if they dont approve?

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This is certainly a complicated situation.

At the end of the day you will need to decide if your convictions are worth potentially alienating you from your FHs family. To me, they are totally worth it, but I'm not you, and I don't know his family or what they will be like towards you.

You haven't really addressed your FH's stance in all this. You touched on it briefly in your OP, but haven't really mentioned whether you've had any of these conversations with him.

The fact is, you are going to be a unit, a team. He needs to support you and stick up to his own family if you are going to have even a chance of being accepted by them FOR WHO YOU ARE (not who they want you to be).

If he's not able to support you and tell his family to shove it, I would honestly reconsider the marriage, because that would say more to me about what is in store for you in the future than just how his family is acting right now.

I know you aren't asking whether they are in the wrong, but I'm going to answer anyway and say yes, they are wrong and so is your FH if he allows this behavior to continue.

My fiancé and I are always using “Obey” in a joking manner, he loves to say it, like I’m ever going to listen, lol!!! I never thought of this as being a problem with our officiant. I thought you got to choose traditional vows from the Bible or your own hand written vows. I personally think, it’s your day and though it may not be a huge deal to change the vows, I think it should be the way you and your fiancé want it. There is an officiant that will do it the way you want it. I’m sure you could express to that officiant and his wife, that though you value and respect the word and it’s biblical meaning, that it’s just not what you want. They will understand.

Definitely a deal breaker, my officiant says he can customize it however we see fit and we can say our own vowels if need be. Our officiant is a pastor and we hired him for non-denominational services. I explicitly said i do not want the word obey and he is down for it. He also says he doesnt like asking "if anyone here thinks the couple shouldnt be married" and asked did he want us to say it. It addresses unnecessary negativity and i agreed.

I mom just called the pastor, I told her not to because I'm about to be married and honestly it just looks bad on my part. She did anyways and said, "I think he is good. Obey doesn’t mean you have to do what ____(FH) says. I think it will be a very profound to have him there.. you and ___ are lucky to have him. Please trust me." She was agreeing with me and now I see this?

I wouldn’t get over it and I’d be quite upset with these religious yahoos officiating my ceremony. You’re in a pickle for sure. I’d put my foot down in this one.