Help! My Maid of Honor has done NOTHING!

Call her. Talk to her. Resolve.

I'm a little curious. When you asked her to be your MOH, did you also ask her to do anything else? Or, did you assume she knew exactly what you expected her to do? I'm wondering how much communication you two have had regarding what you would have liked her to do.

And as others have stated, no one has to do anything for you, they are not obligated to anything. No one works for you; all of the "duties" of the wedding party are voluntary. It sounds like you all need to have a heart to heart, or you should perhaps reassess your expectations.

Have you called her to see how she is doing. How school is going? I think you just need to talk to her.

So, if I'm reading this right, what you want from her is some participation, but you really want communication from her more than anything.

I would suggest calling. Even just make it about her "how's school going? how's that boyfriend of yours?" etc. If you take the time to be interested in her life, she'll be more likely to be interested in yours.

Perhaps you could suggest a task she can do from far away? I know I took care of fielding the RSVPs for my friend's bridal shower because I couldn't be around to help. Being far away always makes it more difficult. If you were concerned about her ability to help because of distance, you perhaps should have chosen an MOH that could better live up to your expectations.

Also, why are your parents the ones that are forking over money? If they don't want to, they don't have to.

I agree with the others that say call her. Talk about her a little and see what she's able to help with. It's difficult to help from far away and probably more so being in school. You should both communicate some more...hopefully that helps the situation.

I would write a whole paragraph, but luckily @Amy V. took the words right out of my mouth! I agree with everything she said.

I want to know who "invented" these ettiquette rules? Because, quite frankly, most of them suck!

ETA: I also agree with Hot Chocolate!

I obviously agree with the majority. I KNEW going into this that my MOH would NOT throw me a shower...I KNEW she would be difficult...I expect her to be supportive. I'm sorry we aren't giving you answers you want...but unless you told her your expectations of helping from the beginning, she may not realize she's offending you. You should talk to her about it...

Not to the OP, but more of a general 2 cents.

It's not the the bridal party shouldn't have to do anything but show up. I think the vast majority of bridal parties do more than that. These are usually people you love and care about (and vice versa), so it's generally not an issue for them to do more than show up. I think we don't say that meaning it literally. But those of us that had great bridal parties may have trouble understanding these issues that so many ladies have.

That said, it is about communication and about expectations. You can't expect anyone with tons of their plate to be able to move mountains for you. Not sure if that's the case with your MOH, but a phone call to see what's up in her life would clue you in.

But my MOH has been working on her PhD and has plenty of other responsibilities in her own life that it would have been silly of ME to believe she needed to do X, Y, Z for my wedding or prioritize my day over her everyday responsibilities.

Again, I can't say what the deal is with OP's MOH -- perhaps something major is happening at school. Maybe she's working on a capstone project this semester -- those can take a lot of time and focus. Who knows?

Ideally, we choose people to stand up with us that we would want there even if they COULDN'T afford a $200 dress or to attend various showers, etc. I knew one of my BM's may not be able to make it to my shower or bachelorette (she made the shower, not the party) but she is amazing and no matter if she couldn't come in until the morning of the wedding and nothing else, I wanted her there. My MOH has been through so much with me that when she offered assistance, I told her to keep working on her dissertation. I understand them doing SOMETHING, but I disagree that the point of being a BM is to do something for the wedding.

I can't stress enough on these boards -- COMMUNICATION. At all times, for all issues, it's about communication.

To try and articulate one key point -- I disagree that the point of being a bridesmaid is to do wedding related things. I think that by virtue of these being supportive people that love you, they will do wedding related things. But I believe that has much more to do with how they feel about YOU than because they are BM's.

I would do "BM duties" even if I wasn't a bridesmaid for some of my friends. And I've been a BM when I could do nothing but show up for the wedding, as well, and I didn't then nor do I now feel bad about that.

I don't think the bridal party's only obligation is to show up. But, I think it should be told at the very beginning what you're expecting from them, so that they can step down if things aren't going to work. I told my BMs what I expected from them, and I have had no issues. One is a full-time phd student and is about leave to research over the summer in another state, so she won't be back till the day before my wedding which I understand and am not going to be bridezilla over. She's traveling to make it to my bachelorette party though. But both of them knew what I wanted from them, and they were happy to oblige because we're close friends.

Though not to sound demanding they asked what I expected of them, and I said just the usual hosting of the shower and bachelorette party and show up on the wedding day. I let them pick out their dresses and shoes. I'm providing the accessories.

I agree! @Just Reenski

I understand you're frustrated. And it'd be nice if she contributes. But here's the thing. If your whole bridal party isn't doing it, then she shouldn't have to do it alone. As for contributing to other parties, it I the HOSTS job to funnel funds, so if your parents needed help, they should have asked her for her help.

@ Lauren M that's her sister though... Blood is kind of different... Either way like I said I wouldn't try to worry too much about it. I think what makes it hard is there are different views on what the roles of the wedding party should be. When you have expectations that someone else does not it make you disappointed. I am sorry that is the case here.

@ Candice J. - about the etiquette I feel the same way sometimes.... Who crowned who queen and they get to make all the rules. I will say for me I really don't expect much from anyone. It's my wedding not theirs. I just want people to enjoy the day with us.

I have been very blessed to have an amazing wedding party - with a matron of honor and a maid of honor. That being said my MaidOH is getting married one month after me and we are each others MaidOH's. We have different personality types, I'm a type A, schedule freak, and super organized - while she - well she isn't. Her bachelorette party is planned, her bridal shower is planned, and my MOH "duties" have been done. I knew going into the wedding that she wasn't going to contribute as much, because she has her own wedding to plan and organize, and organization and planning isn't on her list of strong qualities. Fortunately for me, I also have an amazing MatronOH though who has gone above and beyond for me. I know a lot of us are saying what you don't want to hear, and if I were in your shoes I would be hurt, too. I think you need to sit down and talk to her. Explain that you are hurt, and that you would at least like for her to be a part of things.

I will say that the only thing $$ wise the BP should be 100% responsible for is their dress and shoes. Unless the bride can afford to gift it to them. I am lucky enough to gift hair and makeup the day of.

I know im gonna catch crap for this but oh well...

Now with that said I do agree that they do have some sort of responsibility (lack of a better word) when it comes to assisting a bride, especially the MOH. I have two out of the 5 of mine that live here in state. I keep the other three in the loop as I know there is nothing physically they can do to help. I send emails to get their opinions on this and that but other than that they are gonna just show up and look fabulous! Now for the two that live here, I have one that has gone above and beyond what I could have ever asked for. She is a working mom and still finds time to carve out of her busy life for me. The other who has a job, lives at home and thats pretty much is it (btw is my MOH) hasn't spoken to me in the past month...

...if its with reason what you are asking, they should help.

While I do agree that it's nice if a MOH helps out, it's YOUR wedding, so she should have no responsibility in paying for anything. If she decides to throw you a shower, it may consist of a fruit tray and crackers - it's not like she has to fork out a lot of money, but it isn't a requirement of being a MOH. My girls are showing up (and only able to make it to the wedding) - but I am just happy that they will be able to be there beside me. I have never heard about a MOH paying for the hotel the night before, or paying for anything really besides their attire and possibly beauty stuff.

Honestly a college student may be clueless as to what being a MOH means, or what it means to you. She also lives far away and doesn't have money. I would either ask her to do a specific task or just accept that she won't be the traditional MOH you hoped for. You could ask a bridesmaid who is more involved to be your 2nd MOH. I have 2 because my BFF lives in OK & has 2 kids, I know she can't afford to fly in for anything but the wedding but I still wanted her to have the title because of what she means to me.

Also, I've never heard of the wedding party having to pay for your hotel the night before the wedding.