Groom's Family Hates Me

I feel like so much is missing from this story.

Fibromyalgia but yet you hike.

If you love your job, that should be the only reason you do it. No need to blame it on your disabilities.

So you're not contributing enough financially and you are capable of doing more? Because that's what it sounds like from his point of view. It's none of his family's business, but it sounds like you need to work on your relationship and get on the same page.

I am going to say this and I hope I don't sound too harsh but here goes....There are a lot of instances where people dramatize illnesses to avoid certain duties! If I put myself in your FH's family's shoes, I would probably feel a little like you are using my brother too. Your illnesses are manageable illnesses that definitely can be worked through. It sounds like you both do A LOT of borrowing money. If he is borrowing money from his family, of course they are going to resent you for it. That is pretty common! I would try to get financial stable then elope. That is pretty much your only option with his family. They wont change over night! ETA: because I pressed "post" before I was done talking!

So there's two issues here. One, are you and your FH in agreement about how you support yourselves financially, and how do you handle your medical conditions. It doesn't matter what any of us think about if you can work, or should work. Do you and your FH agree. If you can't 100% say that you support each other richer or poorer, sickness and in health, and that you make these decisions together, than you need to have some serious discussion before getting married.

Second issue is his family. For whatever reason, they don't support the marriage. Which puts your FH in an awkward spot. He has to choose between you and them. If he thinks he can maintain a relationship with them the way things are, he's kidding himself. Keeping them around, with that level of negativity, will absolutely affect your relationship, like poison. He needs to tell them to respect his decision and respect you, or they will not be a part of his life. If he's not willing to do that, I would seriously question his commitment to you. Good luck.

@Sara nailed it. If you and FH are on the same page about your financial situation, then that is YOUR business and no one else's (i.e his family needs to stay out of it). The main issue seems to be that you're not in agreement. I would sort that out before entering into marriage.

So, from the additional information you provided it looks like you and your FH have found an answer to your working/providing that suits you both. Great.

As for his families regard to you and your FH being together. I think there is a whole lot more to the story and we're only getting pieces of it. Perhaps it's just that complicated. There really is nothing I can think of that you can do but be supportive of his desire to ask his family to come to the wedding or participate in it. Chances are, if they feel how you described, that won't happen. If you want to avoid the pain of it all, I would suggest like Janeen said at the beginning, elope.

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I hike, do obstacle course races, and all kinds of stuff. I also have fibro. You can't really predict when you're going to feel bad, but I agree with a previous poster that I handle my pain with meds, exercise, and diet. So therefore if I was completely disabled and unable to work, it would, indeed, have to be pain enough where I could not go hiking.

@Spazzy, Lupus AND Crohn's? You're a trooper.

@Spazzy - You're a fucking rock star!

I don't think the fibro is the problem here. I don't think comparing symptoms is really helpful either. I have several autoimmune diseases, and sometimes they're in check....sometimes they're not. I also know other people that have just ONE of my diseases and they may be completely crippled and homebound. Every health issue affects each person differently. THAT'S JUST NOT THE ISSUE.

The problem is this relationship, apparent lack of trust or responsibility, the involvement of the family, and not having enough money. If you aren't working and you are capable of working when there is not enough money, I can understand the resentment. If you cannot work and there is no sympathy and understand from the man you are marrying, that is also a problem. Bigger picture kind of stuff here.

Yeah, I agree comparing symptoms is not right because 1.everyone has different breaking points, and 2. No 2 cases are a like. Like spazzing have lupus and fibromyalgia and a slurry of other smaller diseases, but no 2 cases present the same. Also, it's very unpredictable and you don't really know when you'll feel okay or be in a world of hurt. I know one of my symptoms is pluerisy and other lung stuff, so sometimes I can barely breathe and have literally passed out just by walking a couple steps. I don't think it's right if he set up conditions for you, but if you both agree you should be working, by all means do. Work as much as you can and be active. I think his family needs to butt out though, it's none of their business. But I think saying that there's no case where you can't work is very terrible and looking down on people with disabilities (temporary or permanent) I know for some of my worst longer flares I couldn't work because for 2 weeks I basically slept 22 hours a day, only waking when I was forced to eat something.

...I'm still stuck on the student loans being $30 a month.

I'm surprised how many people have fibromyalgia. I honestly thought it was rare.

Geeky, yeeeah. I only had 2k in loans when I graduated but even those were $50 a month.

I love this post.

@Geeky, she may be on a pay what you can plan. A lot of lenders will base your monthly payments on your income, if you qualify.

Damn. Mine are $500 a month.

Oops! Sorry. Big mistake.

^^^ yikes.....

ETA: NotHappening- you have seriously just made me a little nauseous with your comment.