Groom's Family Hates Me

Waiting..

Nicole- I think there is more because It's hard to imagine a family who hates their son's FW because she wasn't able to work and he got stressed out years ago...a FH who gives a condition to his FW...and I still would like to know why his family doesn't think OP loves her FH ...that in itself tells me there is more going on.

Her level of medical condition doesn't matter to me. If she is unable to work because she is sick, then she's unable to work because she is sick. She should look into resources to help her out.

ETA: words....

and OP you're online, please come back and answer.

I may have an unpopular opinon, but I also think everyone should work unless there's a choice by the couple for one of them not to work. I have fibro. I also have something else and was on chemo for 6 months. I lost so much strength in my right leg that I couldn't really walk very well. I was throwing up a lot. I was in constant pain. I still worked. I worked while having it administered in fact.

But....I also have a flexible, mostly desk job. I totally believe that unless you're in hospice like my stepfather, there is a job in the work force for everyone (or...as I mentioned before....you make a conscious choice as a couple for you to not work for whatever reason).

All I'm saying is that if she has the capability to bring in an income (and she obviously does since she is right now), than she should be if he can't support her. It sounds like she had the capability before and just wasn't working, which adds stress. I wish OP would tell us more...until she does, none of what we are saying matters

I hope there is more to it, or these people are the epitome of douche.

Unfortunately, we're only hearing one side and the OP could be shelling out just enough info to make people sympathize with her. Two things stick out for me:

1. Her FH says she needs to contribute in some way financially.

2. His family hates her so much they refuse to be in a room with her or have any mention of her very name.

First.... I'm under the impression that FH had to work his ass off to make ends meet for the both of them and that was cutting it close...per the stress he was under. That a condition their getting back together depended on her working leaves me to wonder just how real/or severe her problems are.

Second....People can't stand FIL's all the time. My family has had several, but we always respected the FM's choice, included the FIL, was civil and sucked it up whenever they were around. There has to be more to it.

By the way, I also have Fibromyalgia but manage it along with my doctor through diet, exercise, and other means...and I work a full time job. Occasionally does it get the best of me and I call in sick. There are people with worse cases, we all handle it different, and a lot of it is state of mind. And some just milk it.

Illnesses do very person to person, but as PP stated some people milk it. If she qualified for social security due to her disability, there would be some sort of income there. If she doesn't qualify she can work... His family doesn't want him supporting her completely, and I can understand that concern on their end. Should they be nicer? Probably, but I also think if you can work, you do. If you make minimum wage, you can still get some government assistance if you need it. There has to be more to this story.

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The whole conditions thing would bother me honestly, but that is up to you. He needs to continue to stand up for you with his family. Your relayion sh ip is not theirs to judge. IMO. The best way to avoid all of the crazy that his aily is about to rain down on you is to elope.

I used to work in a pain clinic and saw a lot of Fibromyalgia patients. Ones who took their medicines accordingly (not narcotics, although a lot wanted them) and were able to live normal lives. I saw a lot of those patients who made their conditions worse because they were not getting up and moving and were laying in bed all day. I'm not saying all were lazy, but a majority were.

Unfortunately, a lot of them were wanting to make their conditions "worse" so they could apply for disability. But maybe I'm just jaded.

Sorry. So I am not so bad that I am in a wheelchair but i deal with chronic IBS flare ups because of the fibromyagia and chronic vertigo due to migraines. He doesn't necessarily want me to GO to work, but have some source of income to help. He's only a social worker and living in Boston that is rough. I work online teaching English vai Skype to students in Korea and Brazil and make lessons that I sell for money online. He says that is enough. I do, however, work 5 hours a day right now.

We go to the therapy and the therapist said - "Ideally you don't want conditions but there are certain things that won't be tolerated. For example, I would be with someone if they didn't cheat or use drugs. What is your make or break? For him it was that I always try my best to work unless it causes me physical harm," With my fibro, being active helps more. The more I sit on the couch. The worse off I am.

I think they also don't like me because culturally I am very different from them. They are very quiet and reserved where me and my family are very loud Bostonians. GO SOX! LOL. It's a huge contrast.

They do worry about the finances but their idea of being financially stable is different than ours. Both his brother and sister are "well-off" They bought him his last car (he totaled the last one in a wreck) to avoid the interest of a loan though I told him that wasn't a good situation. However, he's already saved enough to pay her back in five months. They worry endlessly about his finances. They think that I'm depending on his for finances while I've not been working which is bull as I saved up while I was as I know my health is not always stable. He bought food for "us" and paid my student loans $30/mo. And when I needed a little more money i went to my sister. And I have started to pay her back now.

OP, as many others have said, we need more info before we can give you advice.

Are you doing anything to try to manage your condition? Have you sought medical advice?

If your condition is bad enough that you're unable to work, I don't see why you wouldn't be on disability.

If you are unable to qualify for disability, hopefully that means you're well enough to manage your symptoms and can try to hold steady employment.

ETA: I see your response now

This is fucked up. First things first, get your finances in order. Second, I would suggest not starting a marriage with being SO MUCH in disagreement with your FH. My husband and I disagree a lot about his family however we eventually come to agreements and compromises. Before we were able to do so it was nothing but stress, upset, and disappointment. Don't start a marriage with those sentiments. A lot of people hate their inlaws, but not as many people hate their inlaws while their SO doesn't. You need to get on the same page.

Also he knows that my job makes me very happy. I don't just work my job when i can. I live my job. I'm an ESL (English as a Second Language) Teacher for adults. And I go out of my way to help them and even host them in my house for "dry" birthday parties. I've even gone hiking with some just to make them feel welcome for their brief stay in America.

While I think every couple is different, I also am very wary of the conditions - though you explained, he sounds an awful lot like my ex-husband. He too was very close with his family and they were all up in his finances. Super concerned, and had a very different idea of financial stability. At one point I explained to his mother that we could easily pay our bills and we had money in savings as a cushion (we had six months of what our current expenses were), no credit card debt, no car payments, only my student loans. We were taking a vacation, so she thought she needed to tell us, in detail, how irresponsible we were being...in the end, it was a huge factor in our split. We also had conditions - and again, those played another huge part in our split. Please be cognizant of the fact that your FH will probably never stand up to his family on this. If you can accept that, and live with it for forever, then go for it. But please, for your sake, be careful.

I agree that everyone should work; I'm with Janeen.

Oh you go hiking? What happened to IBS, vertigo, fibromyalgia, back problems and migraines?

So what's different than before? You didn't work at all before? Why did he set down the condition?

It sounds like he needs to tell his family to butt out of his life.

Deb- I still don't understand what the full reason of the break up was before- you didn't work, your FH got stressed out providing so you split-- why his family is mad about it, it's really none of their business and it happened years ago. Plus the letter saying you don't love you FH. None of it make's any sense and I think there is still more and not just "cultural differences."

Im not understanding why they would be like that if your sick... are you not telling us something? Like if you are sick but mooching off him then maybe that was the problem. If you can't work you should be on disability. If you were denied get a lawyer and fight it. But if not get a job. I dont see why thats bad enough to hate you unless like I said you are mooching off your FH. Also what is he telling them? Maybe he is complaining about you to them, like you are lazy or you are too needy or you are taking up all of his money?