Family Drama - Don't want to invite my dad to the wedding!

Just come out and say how you feel about it. in situations like this honesty is the best bet, he maybe mad, but he has to honestly repect your wishes and the feelings that you have on the whole situation

I guess the only reason I'm nervous is because our relationship is already so fragile and I know this will ruin ANY chance we ever have of having any sort of decent father-daughter relationship. I don't know if there's a way to tell him without ruining any shot of a rekindling...

No matter how I feel I would always put my daughter first. I suppose I can understand how he would want you and the new wife to get along, but if there is past animosity between you and her I definitely wouldn't recommend having her at your big day. Do whatever will make you least stressed on your wedding day.

IMHO I would just tell him that's a special vacation with your mom and sorry, but it's either the re-do or nothing. I can understand why he would want to see you actually get married (and not just the re-do) but considering everything he should understand why that's a bad idea and support you. I mean c'mon, your mom is paying for this vacation, why should she have to suffer with the new wife that no one likes? It's to bad you already told him you guys were doing a ceremony there...otherwise he would have never known...lol!!

I can understand when the relationship is fragile already, it's like walking on egg shells. my dad left us when i was 18 and i never saw i'm again till i was in my 20's i did tell him that i was getting married and my mom tried to keep him informed about me and my brother, but he just never contacted us. i was really upset at first cause we were really close when i was growing up and thought of him not being there made me cry, but then i realized that if he was a true father he would put me first and would be there without me having to tell him. if your dad knows how you feel about his new wife he should leave her at home and go support you and he should tell his new wife that you are more important right now and she has to deal for a lil bit

He needs to stop being selfish. You are his DAUGHTER and you should be most important to him. Just tell him how it is, gently.

Just tell him you'd like for him to be at the reception as scheduled.If he says Costa Rica or nothing, politely tell him, "well, that's your choice"

I really appreciate all of your input. It's helped a lot to confirm my own thoughts - i was worried that i was looking at this wrong because of such strong personal feelings. Hopefully this won't go too horribly! Thanks guys!

My ex-stepfather hurt my mom in the worst way. Stole money, put her in insurmountable debt and cheated on her with 2 women that we know of (one of which was his "best friends" wife. I havent spoken to him since their divorce 4 years ago and a few months before the wedding he started trying to be all buddy buddy with me again. I didn't respond, I didnt invite him to the wedding and I didnt even offer him a phone call to explain why he wasn't invited.

There is NOTHING wrong with not having him there. He already ruined your graduation day, do NOT let him take your wedding day away from you too. I weighed the options and realized that having him there after all the hurt he caused my family would only end up hurting us even more. Everyone would be thinking about him and his new girl being there instead of enjoying the day for what it was. MY WEDDING. Remember what the day is about and invite those who you really want there. hope this helps!

Im sorry your going through this. Ive gone through similar situations-- If you do not want her there, tell him. In the end he is going to have to either respect your wishes, man up and grow up and attend his daughters wedding. Or he wont. It is your day and if you dont want someone who as it sounds, was "the other woman" before your parents were divorced, then he should CATER to you on YOUR day and leave her at home. If he decides not to come, then Im sorry, but things may not get better between you two and contnue to strain until the relationship is over between you two. Its obvious he has choosen her over you and your mom before-- if he doesnt come, his loss.

I'm not close with my dad, either. He's toxic, self-involved and mostly just hits me up for money.

I invited him to the wedding, but I didn't let him take over the day in any way. I walked myself down the aisle, and gave him a seat of honor in the front row. I also did a few photos with him, but didn't have him give a toast or anything like that.

I was adopted. Both my adoptive parents have passed away. I became close with my biological Father when I was in my late teens and we're still very close today. My bio Mother is like opening up hells gates. I swear, every morning she must wake up and eat a big plate of crazy. I don't want her at my wedding either, and she won't be. It's your day and you need to have it your way. Just remember that.

I think if you give in and let your Dad and his new lady come to Costa Rica, it will not only give a negative swing to yours and your FH big day (and thats all you need is to have any negativity in your mind walking down the isle), but it will make your Mom feel unconfortable (not to mention, this was her gift to you, so really her feelings should be taken into account). And third most, your guest list should only include people you get along with and have positive feelings towards your union. If you have your Dad's new wife there, her negative vibes are not exactally healthy towards your ceremony. Tell your Dad that it is not up to him to decide the guest list for Cost Rica, and threatening the issue of him and his new wife "coming to C.R or nothing at all" is very inappropriate. Tell him how you feel....about your relationship and how your feel about his wife too. If that all goes well, then invite him to the re-do ceremony.

Out of curiosity of the situation, why do you dislike your dad's new wife? Just wondering as it seems that she is the sole reason you don't want him/them at the Costa Rica wedding.

Has your father had a history of ruining/causing drama at other events?

And do you want to rebuild your relationship with your father?

Thanks guys. Your advice is helpful in confirming my thoughts and giving me ideas on how to approach the situation.

To FMS, the reason I dislike his new wife so much is multifold:

1) The fact that she was willing to date my dad when she KNEW that he was still married bothers me a lot. They got married less than 4 mo after the actual divorce.

2) She caused a MASSIVE falling out between my dad and I in which she put thoughts in his head and influenced him against me. Basically, he forced me to meet her when I wasn't ready, she said I was a "spoiled rotten bi*ch" because I didn't have too much to say to her and said that, because of me, they were breaking up (keep in mind, I was 20 and moved out by this point). My dad and I didn't speak for 4mo after that happened. This also happened when my parents were still married.

Cont...

3) She has sent him to jail on false accusations and physically abuses him - I've seen her throw a drawer, plates, books, etc. at him when he tried to talk to her about cutting down on her massive debt that HE is now paying off

There are more reasons as well. The dislike isn't just on my side - we don't like each other - she's said so!

And yes, my father has caused drama before - he is a master at influencing and manipulating people. The amount of stress and upset he has caused me in the past few years has made me question heavily if I want to rebuild my relationship with him. he doesn't believe he's EVER been in the wrong in ANY way, shape, or form. It really bothers me when people don't take responsibility for their actions...which he never does. Let me put it this way: I started seeing a therapist to deal with the issues he's caused me!

Ultimatums have no place in adult relationships. I agree with you completely that how you handle this situation may have a profound impact on your future relationship with your father, you can allow him to bully you into letting them come (thereby telling him it is okay to do so to you, your husband, and children in the future) or you can put your foot down and tell him to grow up (and he might not, but that is his choice). I personally would go with the later. And I understand the pain this is causing you; I went through a similar situation with my father about 8 years ago - I stood up for myself and pretty much haven't talked to him since then. But, had I allowed myself to be bullied I wouldn't be the person I am today and I wouldn't be marrying the man of my dreams in a few weeks