Dry bar demands my FH

Honestly, alcoholics will bring their own alcohol to any event - whether it's a wedding or a baby shower or kids birthday party or just dinner. Having a bartender at your event who can monitor their drinking and cut them off if necessary is better than them bringing a flask of their own stuff.

I think a great compromise would be beer and wine - not that people can't/won't get drunk off of beer and wine, but it takes a lot more/a lot longer.

I'm also concerned about his stubbornness and threat to actually call of your marriage if you didn't do what HE wants. That's not how relationships work.

I'd be miserable.

Anna- OP clarified...he didn't say call of marriage. He said call off wedding. Would rather elope (still marry) than have a wedding and serve alcohol.

If his family are hardcore alcoholics, not serving alcohol is going to backfire because 1. They will find a way to drink or 2. Leave early.

Just something to consider.

I sympathize with your FH's feelings about alcoholics, but from a different perspective. I have a hard time being around people who drink a lot because six, yes six, family members have been killed by drunk drivers, including three killed by a drunk who was driving home from a wedding. Each time I see someone who has obviously had too much to drink, I cringe thinking of them driving. Yes, I know they are driving because I've seen them get in their cars and take off. The police are on my speed dial. When I'm out, I limit myself to one drink and if alcohol isn't available, I'm fine. I wish you the best, NativeBride and encourage you to have a deep discussion with your FH about any events that make him feel this way. I'm not sure about it being a red flag. If he hasn't been like this about anything else with you, I'd say this is a one off, not a red flag.

As for the comments about licensed bartenders cutting people off when needed, those who want more alcohol will get it by having others go to the bar for them.

I usually don't get the dry wedding thing. Just because alcohol is available, doesn't mean you have to drink it. So for family members or friends or WHOEVER it may be that is "against" it, they can just not have it. They can't dictate whether others have it...?

Your situation is a bit different. He does seem a little traumatized by his family. However, he will have to learn to compromise in marriage. Maybe you can show him several points made by PP about how it won't truly stop them from drinking or how it's BOTH of your wedding. He might understand some of the points. Another compromise would be maybe just beer and wine? It wouldn't stop me from getting any more tipsy but it may make him feel better about providing alcohol to his family if it's limited.

Commenting on Going to the Chapels post... They may try to get others to get drinks for them but a) people may not and b) a bartender/server can still take away that drink. I run into this problem all the time (as a bartender). If someone is shut off and a friend tries to sneak them alcohol, then said friend is now cut off too

@Native Making the wedding dry is more dangerous than providing alcohol if his family truly is full of "alcoholics" (I doubt they are legitamatey alcoholics as opposed to people who get trashed at parties). I say it's more dangerous because a skilled bartender will cut them off when they're getting to drunk, but if you don't provide alcohol, they'll likely be drinking liquor straight out of a flask or bottle outside of the venue and will be significantly more drunk.

I'm on the alcohol bandwagon and think it's a must a weddings, HOWEVER I think that your groom deserves this win because it seems that there are HUGE underlying issues that involve alcohol & his family. I don't think your FH means not get married, I think he means not throw a reception/party.. Is that correct?

Personally, I'd rather elope than throw a reception without alcohol, but that's just me.

@NativeBride- I'm glad you're going to talk to him to figure out what's going on. Kind of unrelated, but FFIL has a similar aversion to alcohol because his sister was an alcohol and drug addict and when they were kids she physically and verbally abused him a lot. He berates his wife and kids if they even has so much as a glass of wine around him, so they drink when he's not home. When FMIL would let FH try a drink, he would yell at her that she's creating an alcoholic. Sometimes people have these irrational responses to trauma, it's good you're going to see what might be going on.

(For reference, we'll be having an open bar of beer and wine and a signature drink at our wedding.)

Wanting a dry wedding is one thing, threatening to cancel your wedding over it is another. You're going into married life with a guy who would break your heart over a drink?

This is worth talking over with a counselor. He needs to find a way to resolve differences other than scorching the earth if you guys are going to be happy.

OH FSS.... nothing like a good cultural stereotype to fuel the debate.

Rachel, I am glad you brought that up... I was thinking the same thing but didn't want to ask if that is what her name implied, nor did I want to assume the same about her FH. I am 1/4 Paiute and all (literally ALL) of my 13 aunts and uncles (who share my mom's father, and are all apart of the tribe) go to AA meetings at least once a day. Sometimes they go twice, depending on what is going on in their lives. Many of them do not go to functions where there will be alcohol and many of their tribal events are alcohol free for the reasons you stated above. My grandfather is a tribe elder and all of the children that live in the Seattle area go to meetings at one of their meeting halls.

Who here was culturally insensitive, Rachel? You're the one who brought up the alcoholism - Native American stereotype. No one even mentioned her culture until you.

I haven't read through all the other comments, but have a couple thoughts. One, it sounds like your FH is more concerned about his family's behavior and this is his defense mechanism to making sure that he isn't embarassed or ashamed in front of his friends and future bride's family. It's sad that he has some family issues with alcohol, and I can understand how it makes him feel dread thinking of the repercussions of the presence of booze. I already stress enough about my one weird relative, and can't imagine how he must feel thinking about this. That isn't the way anyone should feel about their wedding.

Rather than have a dry wedding in the typical setting where alcohol is expected (full ceremony, nighttime reception) could you do an alternative type of celebration where it wouldn't feel as awkward to withhold alcohol? Like a really fun daytime brunch, or outdoor luncheon? I think you could really create something fun and unique. You could have it be dry, and/or maybe this way he might be more open to serving alcohol since people likely won't over-consume during the daylight hours. Hopefully people will remember this is about celebrating your marriage, not just a free party.

Good luck!

Interesting that someone who has repeatedly slung around Bible phrases as arguments for how women should behave in marriage is playing the cultural sensitivity card.

Cool, Rachel continues to amaze me at her stereotyping.

Actually the most glaring thing that is going on here to me is how the OP can only "assume" this deep seated resentment. You don't KNOW where it's coming from?

Idk, we all have our hill to die on and if an open bar and alcoholism is his, find a work around. Maybe you can go after party with your close friends.

First of all, as others have said, alcoholics will find a way to drink, open bar or not.

What about a compromise. Why not have a brunch wedding? You could serve mimosas mad sparkling wine. Make the event shorter in duration. People may feel less compelled to party it up over bacon and eggs.

Why is it okay for Mormans to have dry weddings? I'm sure those guests drink too, they don't even feed the guests half the time.

Allymonbanana, Mormon weddings are very culturally specific and I would be very surprised to find alcohol served at one.