Dry bar demands my FH

Can we have a little compassion for the groom here? It sounds like he is deeply traumatized by alcoholism running rampant in his family. I am totally in the "no dry weddings unless you have a serious religious reason" camp 99.99% of the time but I also understand that the world is not black and white and people have baggage that we can't always wish away. The groom is deeply concerned about his family's behavior if alcohol is served, even if we don't agree can't we have some flexibility to at least comprehend why he might feel that way?

@Nativebride usually I see such stark statements as a red flag, but it sounds like this is a very deep rooted and upsetting topic for your FH, in this case I would consider thinking about how you can work with him to create a great wedding. Maybe it won't be a traditional party type atmosphere but it can still be lovely.

Red flags... red flags everywhere....

If he has a reason re: his family then so be it. Anyone attending would understand the issue. Addiction is serious.

If I were attending a dry wedding, I'd understand. You either drink and witness horrors of drinking behaviour from alcoholics or you don't drink. As long the guests are properly entertained then so be it.

It was only a matter of time before the, "my whole family is alcoholic and they can't leave the house without committing a misdemeanor or undressing and dancing on the bar."

But his threat to cancel the wedding is childish and insulting to the people there who can have a glass of wine without punching each other out in the parking lot.

And what about her family and their friends? What about the bride? It's her wedding too.

Alcoholics will drink whether you provide it or not. It sounds like he needs a little education, because his insistence on a dry wedding will do nothing to stop them.

No, I have no compassion for him. He needs to work with her too.

It's not cancelling the wedding as in no marriage but more like eloping. Maybe it's something deep rooted. Thanks everyone for their advice. I'm going to try and figure out if there's something more than just the no alcohol thing that is the problem. I'm just not so sure if I'm crossing the line of "hey that's no wedding etiquette" and "hey I want to do something that you are extremely uncomfortable with and let me force it on you"

@Celia everything you are saying is very logical, and in my opinion perfectly true, but human beings aren't robots, sometimes we have irrational and strong feelings because of trauma/worries/experiences that make us act in ways that aren't always pretty. I am not saying that he is right, I'm just saying that it's possible he's not just being an ass for the sake of it.

A my-way-or-the-highway demand entering is very childish. Compromise is a huge part of a marriage, and I would be concerned about what future issues he would put his foot down on.

NativeBride, dry weddings aren't against etiquette. But, as a host, you do want your guests to have a good time and wine and beer are typically part of a fun celebration like a wedding for most adults. But E-Tex is correct. You can "properly host" without alcohol.

I just think your FH should be more open to discussion rather than stomping his foot and threatening to cancel the wedding. Where is your opinion here?

Tell us a little more about your wedding? Where are you planning on having your reception? I remember where you said you were having your ceremony I think that place is tiny. Is your reception small? If its at a restaurant, you can't control what guests order. Is it at a reception hall?

Hs sounds like an asshole. No thanks.

We're having a 'dry' wedding... But it's on a Sunday at 11am. We did that to avoid the alcohol issue all together. Yes, there are some drinkers coming, but there are also some religious non-drinkers attending. Could you look at an afternoon option where alcohol wouldn't be expected?

{My parents are hosting an after-party bbq Sunday evening, complete with cocktails, for anyone who chooses to attend. This way, we get to properly host without offending anyone.}

Eta:coffee before talky

We're having a dry wedding and I don't like that one bit, BUT we'll probably have an after party, depending on how I feel after the reception is over.

Yes alcoholics will drink whether you provide it or not but if this is an issue that the groom has why does he have to have alcohol at the wedding ? If having alcohol at the wedding is going to ruin it for your FH because of emotional reasons then don't have it plain and simple. People will survive.

I find it interesting that people are calling his insistence on no alcohol a red flag. Wouldn't someone's insistence that there must be alcohol a red flag too, then? In this situation, you have it or you don't. There really is no compromise short of having an after-party with an exclusive guest list, which is an entirely different issue. Either she insists there be alcohol, thus ignoring his obviously strong feelings about it (and "wins" according to WW etiquette) or she gives in, agrees to no alcohol, but then is told he has red flags..which everyone knows as "call your relationship into question" when nobody knows their relationship or the groom or the actual discussion. She should question her relationship because he feels that strongly about serving alcohol at their wedding? He feels so strongly about it that he'd rather elope than serve alcohol at his wedding. For all we know, that is the absolute truth, and maybe he had to vocalize that for her to understand just how strongly he feels about it, especially since she consults a forum and reads thread after thread about how horribly rude it is not to serve alcohol. It is logical to get to the root of his thoughts on it (which could be very valid), but "red flags"?? Call your relationship into question because he absolutely won't stand for alcohol at their wedding? For all we know, this is the one thing he has taken a firm stand on...let's stow the red flags until it is a clear pattern and method of control.

We have some heavy drinkers in our family and have decided to just have beer and wine at the wedding. We figured things were less likely to get out of hand if there wasn't liquor available. Maybe a compromise like that would work?

No. The difference is being a good host when

1. there are obviously other people beyond his small subset of guests who he 'thinks' are alcoholics...

2. the lack of providing alcohol will not stop the theoretical problem with his family, so all this conversation about a dry wedding being a deterrent is really BS

3. his lack of willingness to compromise, preferring to threaten to cancel is a childish move.

4. her family enjoys a drink or two.

And here? It's expected at any time someone is entertaining.

His strong feelings may be strong, but they are not rooted in fact.

Well, he does know if family best and if they'd ruin the wedding by drinking. I would have pushed for alcohol too until I read your follow up comment. I would feel terrible if I pushed for alcohol and then the day of someone ruined the wedding because they were drunk.

Maybe you can hire extra security? Have the bartender cut certain people off if they start getting rowdy? Is it an option to just not invite those people. I'd hate not to host guests properly because a few others can't control their intake.

Shouldn't a licensed bartender cut off anyone who appears to have reached their limit? Having booze doesn't mean that the booze flows until peeps are rowdy and inebriated.

If DF said that, he'd be gone. Period. Our wedding and marriage is about US. Not just him or me. Thank God I don't have a man-child.