C
Master July 2014

Divorced parents causing me stress

csquid, on October 15, 2013 at 1:44 PM Posted in Planning 0 24
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I'll try to make this as short as possible: My parents are divorced, have been for about 5 years now. They were separated (living apart) for 3 years before that and emotionally separated long before that. Their divorce was the most amicable you could imagine. No fighting and ruining eachother's lives, etc. They are way happier now that they're divorced. Now, I get engaged and the issue of my father's girlfriend finally comes up. He's been dating her for like 6 years (not living together though) and she's been around my family (extended family) many, many times, they all know and like her. Well, my mother HATES this woman, simply because she's with my dad. They've never met but it's always been a very sensitive subject. My father, brother and I don't talk about her to my mom. The problem is, my mother has NO family besides my brother and I, so my dad's family has always been her family. Right from the start, this became an issue...my mother insists the GF can't come and my father wants

24 Comments

  • C
    Expert October 2013
    Crystal ·
    • Flag

    Sorry mom, but suck it up. It's not about her. It's about you. Keep them separate (of course) and put them at different tables (obviously). You also might want to play the guilt card that her drama is causing you stress and hindering your enjoyment of planning your wedding.

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  • C
    Master July 2014
    csquid ·
    • Flag

    Her there, of course. Everyone (even my parents) say it's my decision but it's obviously not because I'm going to end up upsetting someone. I think she should be able to come, they've been divorced for a loooong time. Lots of people deal with this and have their parents bring other guests but my mother is very unreasonable when it comes to this topic. My father is still very much in my mother's life, he helps her with stuff she needs like calling plumbers and hanging TV's, etc. I think partly b/c he feels guilty she has no one. So maybe this has caused her to think she's owed more or something. Anyway, I'd like to get other opinions about this, best you can w/o knowing the whole story...I'm 30 years old and this is the very first time I've ever been put in the middle of them!

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  • C
    Master July 2014
    csquid ·
    • Flag

    As of now, I haven't been able to discuss the wedding with my dad b/c he's upset about the situation (I originally sided with my mom) and that's been sad for me and caused a rift. I'm afraid if I change my mind, my mom will be devastated and will want to stop helping me with all the planning (she's been super excited about it).

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  • Mrs V (Roe)
    Master August 2013
    Mrs V (Roe) ·
    • Flag

    Clearly this is a sensitive subject especially for your mom. Maybe she feels that having her there along side your dad might infringe on some of her honor as the MOB. Sit her down and have a talk with her about how you really feel. How it hurts that no matter what you choose you feel as if you will be upsetting someone you love very much (her or your dad). Then tell her that you'd like to have both she and your dad there but feel caught in the middle b/c choosing one means the likelihood of the other not showing is very real. Ask if she can put aside her angst for just this one day and allow you to be able to focus on marying the man of your dreams and not on making either your mother or your father unhappy. See if you can convince her that it doesn't mean the gf is taking her place in any way but that she loves you enough to put it aside for the one day. Good luck.

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  • *Aly*
    Super April 2014
    *Aly* ·
    • Flag

    I have the same situation but my mom and dad hate each other, I already told them i am not tolerating anyone trying to ruin my wedding so I told them.. anyone who is not acting like they should they are getting out!! I sound mean but its waaay to much drama for me and they are adults and act like adults!

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  • We'llAlwaysHaveParis
    Master November 2013
    We'llAlwaysHaveParis ·
    • Flag

    Your mom doesn't want to be with your dad, but no one else can be either?

    Clearly she's in the wrong, but I'm not sure how you get her to see that.

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  • Mrs V (Roe)
    Master August 2013
    Mrs V (Roe) ·
    • Flag

    ETA I just saw your update and it frosts my cookies a bit now that I think about it.

    Better yet, tell them both to work it out like adults. You shouldn't have to be the one caught in the middle on your beautiful day. The day is about you not about their emotional crap that mom still hasn't dealt with.

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  • Rach
    VIP May 2014
    Rach ·
    • Flag

    I'm with Crystal 500%. This is YOUR day. Everyone around you, mom included, needs to suck up anything they don't agree with. My parents have been divorced for 15 years, and they can't even stand to be around each other. My dad has never been a big part of my life; he's not even coming to the wedding. My mom absolutely cannot stand him, but told me time and time again that whatever I decide as far as his presence is completely up to me and she backed me 100%. I suppose I was lucky in that sense. His not coming was 100% my decision and based on the fact that we have never had a good relationship. But, knowing my mom was going to back me either way made me feel better about it.

    As Crystal said, play the guilt card! This is supposed to be the best time of your life to date, and anyone who tries (even on accident) to ruin it, should be ashamed. Perhaps she doesn't realize how much stress it's causing you. Communication is key!

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  • C
    Master July 2014
    csquid ·
    • Flag

    Mrs V you are completely right and it sounds like you understand what I'm going through! My FH told me they should work it out between the 2 of them and not try to put me in the middle. I sorta got myself into that problem though...back in January when this came up. I was hearing it from both sides so I finally said " we can sit down and all talk about it together but I'm sick of hearing it from each side". My dad offered to talk with her by himself so maybe I'll take him up on that.

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  • Mrs V (Roe)
    Master August 2013
    Mrs V (Roe) ·
    • Flag

    Yes, take him up on it. It's not fair that you are shouldering the stress from decisions they made that you had no control over. Hopefully he will be able to get through whatever fear she has but even if he doesn't, it's not your responsibility to make it ok between either of them. Do what you feel best but be prepared for the hurt feelings with a counter of your own hurt feelings of not being improtant enough for your mom to swallow her own pride/hurt/anger or whatever it is for one day. You don't know what mom is goign through but you don't have to know. It's her jo to protect you, her child, not the other way around.

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  • C
    Master July 2014
    csquid ·
    • Flag

    Paris, it's not even about that I don't think. She has very resentful feelings towards the whole situation and just doesn't want her there. She feels like the GF has no place there because she's not family even though she clearly does b/c my dad will be there and should be allowed to bring her. Plus my ENTIRE extended family knows her and so do all my dad's work people b/c she's been to all the work functions with him as well. Now that I put it into writing, I realize how silly this all is. I can't believe it's come to this b/c she's such a strong, outspoken person that I assumed she'd just assert her dominance as the MOB and not get fazed (sp?) by it.

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  • C
    Master July 2014
    csquid ·
    • Flag

    How about this Mrs V, you come talk to her Smiley laugh

    jk, thanks for understanding and for your input.

    Rach, it must be nice to have someone support your decision no matter what!

    Aly, I originally said she couldn't come b/c i was afraid it would ruin my wedding to have her there, only b/c of the drama. She's really a very nice, respectful person and has been nothing but sweet to me so I'd feel bad hurting her feelings too by not inviting her; but I saw it as a choice between her and my mom, so the choice seemed obvious. But that's just not the way it is.

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  • Rebekah
    Master April 2014
    Rebekah ·
    • Flag

    I totally understand your situation. I am doing a DW & my Mom said she will not come if my stepdad comes. It's so hard because my Stepdad has been in my life for so long, helped raise me, put a roof over our heads, etc. It's not fair that she is putting me in this position. I don't have a very close relationship with my real Dad. Funny thing is he said he wants to come if I want him to. The last time I saw him was over 2 years ago & we talk infrequently. I just don't want to hurt his feelings, but it will be awkward if he can really afford to make it. My FH's parents have been together for almost 40 years, so my family looks like a group of misfits!

    Good luck to you & I hope you can find a peaceful resolution. Remember this day is about the two of you & you have to do what's best for y'all!

    • Reply
  • C
    Master July 2014
    csquid ·
    • Flag

    Thanks Rebekah, good luck with your situation as well! My FH's parents have been together somewhere around 35 years too. It's been nice b/c when we visit them we all sit together and talk, have family meals, ec.. something I was never used to before. I try and tell my FH how lucky he is to have a stable family like that. Mine isn't that bad in reality but this situation is throwing me off since I've never had to deal with anything like it before. My parents have always worked stuff out between them on their own before without dragging me or my brother into it. He's going to talk to my mom on his own like he offered. We'll see what happens!

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  • KM
    Master March 2015
    KM ·
    • Flag

    Find her a boyfriend. Jk...but I'm kinda in the same situation. Dad still loves mom, mom has a boyfriend = awkward situation.

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  • Mrs V (Roe)
    Master August 2013
    Mrs V (Roe) ·
    • Flag

    @ Rebekah if I could I would. Where are you?

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  • C
    Master July 2014
    csquid ·
    • Flag

    Lol KirstenMichelle, that's what my FH said. My FMIL said if she were in this situation she'd find the hottest guy she could to go with her and act like nothing was bugging her Smiley smile

    Mrs. V, I think you meant me? I live in upstate NY (near Albany).

    • Reply
  • Frenchi3
    Devoted May 2014
    Frenchi3 ·
    • Flag

    I think Mom should put on her big woman panties and let this one ride. She may still have some unresolved feelings for your Dad that she need to get out, even if she will not admit it. She has to know that your Dad is important to you and therefore let it go for your wedding day. It is not about her or the girlfriend, but you and fh. Good luck with your Mom

    • Reply
  • Samarah
    Devoted October 2015
    Samarah ·
    • Flag

    My FFIL is re-married, and FMIL and FSIL don't get along with either FFIL or his new wife. I've taken the stance of; you're not going to have to say anything to them, at all. Please for my sake don't make this one day when I would like to have everyone together a huge issue for me. As soon as all of this is over, you never have to speak to each other again.

    • Reply
  • C
    Master July 2014
    csquid ·
    • Flag

    Exactly, Samarah. All I we need is the added stress of this on our wedding day, right?! ugh, my father is right though, better to come to terms with it early on rather than dealing with it the day-of. I know I'll be sick with worry anyway but hopefully she'll come around and tell me not to worry about her making a scene. That's what I really worry about.

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