Disappointed in bridesmaids

Hmmm, one the one hand, I feel your pain Paige. Your BMs should want to attend the rehearsal and get ready with you. That's part of the fun of being in a wedding. On the other hand, I can't imagine four individuals all thinking the same way about not participating unless something has happened that pissed them off. I'd like to hear their side of the story.

@MMB you're right, we all set our priorities during the planning process and mine were to make sure all my girls were here and that I could do as much as possible to include them and make them feel like they were an important part of the wedding to me. I'm glad you had the ability to put other things that were more important to you first, like contracts and planners. Maybe if I hadn't believed that I had a strong support system I would have done the same.

@going to the chapel only my 2 sisters are mad about their SO's not being able to get ready with us. My MOH has ditched because one of her other friends happens to also be in the area that day and asked to get together with her, which I could understand if she hadn't already made a commitment to me on that day. The 4th bridesmaid hasn't cause any drama but has just basically been uninvolved with everything.

If I were you I would just skip the getting ready photos if nobody is going to be getting ready with you. Seems like a waste. Have him come an hour before the wedding. Your BP should be in the room with you by then and you can get some pictures together. I have never heard of the wedding party skipping the rehearsal dinner or getting ready. That's crazy to me. So sorry OP.

I can't speak on the setting up portion. We hired help for all of that. Nobody in the WP had to do anything. They did come to the rehearsal and dinner. They did come get ready with me.

Wow that sucks. I'm sorry they don't want to be there during the rehearsal and getting ready.

@Breanna E. thank you so much! Finally someone that doesn't make me feel crazy or like I'm working my girls to the bone... the bachelorette party was in my original post because I felt hurt that my sisters who live so *close didn't plan anything and then a bunch of other girls who aren't in the wedding felt so bad they took it upon themselves to throw me one which I really really appreciated but felt like it was kind of out of pitty that none of my bridesmaids were stepping up

I don't understand why people put so much emphasis on the roles of BM's at a wedding. You aren't marrying your friends. The celebration is about an entirely different relationship that they aren't part of, and they shouldn't be the focus.

Saying things like "we all set our priorities during the planning process and mine were to make sure all my girls were here and that I could do as much as possible to include them and make them feel like they were an important part of the wedding to me" is like saying "I choose to make every Halloween about Christmas trees and Santa." There are times to celebrate the relationships with the friends in your life, but your wedding isn't one of them and they know it so they aren't that into it.

OP, I can't comment on your situation directly since you edited your post to make yourself come off better and now it's impossible to know what really happened. But remember, ultimately this day is about a different relationship than the one you share with them. Focus on that relationship, and you'll be fine.

Wait a second, I'm surprised by a lot of these responses. You PAID for your maid of honor's flight because she agreed to help you the night before the wedding. Unless she is going to pay for half of the ticket, she needs to fulfill her part of your agreement. Also, your bridesmaids should WANT to get ready with you before your wedding. Some of my friends who aren't even in the bridal party have been asking to get dressed with all of us. It's an honor to be by your friend's side on her big day. It seems like you've been an awesome bride, especially having paid for their dresses, hair and makeup. I suppose there are two sides to every story, but it seems like they are being ungrateful and aren't good bridesmaids at all. I hope they realize that you and your fiance are the reason for the celebration. Also, I'm sure their significant others don't want to be around a bunch of girls getting dressed. They likely want to do their own thing anyway. You are perfectly justified in how you feel - especially after shelling out money for expenses bridesmaids traditionally cover on their own when they agree to be in your wedding. And they are IN THE BRIDAL PARTY! They absolutely have to be there for the rehearsal. I'm dying reading these comments. haha

@Del that is fine, as I edited my original post because it is very hard to describe an entire situation and a years worth *of planning in 1000 characters. After many attempts to clarify in the comments and realizing no one was actually taking the time to read them, I tried to edit the post in a way that actually got across what I was trying to say. You don't know me or my situation, so if you don't want to comment, don't.

@T-Aira S. I am equally as surprised. Every wedding I've ever been to or been apart of, it is always so important to the bride and groom to have those close to them be a part of their day. If I didn't care about having them there I would have eloped.

@Morgan, no-one here is "vicious". We don't validate bad ideas. We don't agree that the wedding party is there to serve the wedding couple. That's not "vicious".

Honestly the posts I see flagged the most are new posters who get mad at the truth.

People on here love saying that the bridesmaid’s only role is to turn up in the dress sober. I think if everyone’s being honest, there is more to it than that. Bridesmaids should be available to get ready together on the day, they should be available for pre wedding photos and they should make an effort to attend the rehearsal if possible.

They seem to be kind of bitchy about the whole thing, but i dont know how you can fix that.

I understand why you are disappointed. It sucks when people aren't supportive. But I would just let them not be there if they don't want to be. I completely understand not wanting to have someone of the opposite sex in the room where you are dressing so I would stick to that and if they don't want to come and get their hair and make-up done that is just somewhere you can save money. As for the set up, is there a way she could be there part of the time? She did offer, but your gift of the plane ticket doesn't come with strings attached. It wasn't a contract for her services so technically she can bail. It sucks, I totally get where you are coming from, but all the drama trying to make them do what you want may not be worth it. I'm sorry.

OP I understand where you are coming from.

I have my whole bridal party helping set up the ceremony and hall for my wedding.

The fact that they want their SO's in the room is RIDICULOUS! If they can't be away from them for a short period of time they have a problem. I mean you will be away from your groom for longer than them..and your paying for it so they shouldn't be complaining.

All in all its your wedding and if you want your bridesmaids to help you and they won't why did they take that position in the first place. Its not to just stand and look pretty. Shit my girls have went out and bought stuff for me. And did so much for me.

I hope your wedding is beautiful. Just remember its all about you and the groom <3

Oh @Paige. Yes, I did do my wedding on a budget. I also planned it in 8 months with no help from my bridal party and family. I also planned it from 7 hours away. I also chose a venue that would make it so no one would have to work, aside from a few things my DH and I did. I wanted to ensure it would be taken care of by staff at the venue. Did this take more time? Yes. However, for me, it was important that my VIPs not be treated like staff. I think your MOH has all right to change her mind on how much she can assist you.

I agree with @Kristin that money should be spent to make sure all your guests are properly hosted not just 3-4 people.

I'm sorry if you don't like this advice. In my mind, it's poor hosting to make your VIPs do things for you because you bought things for them. In my personal opinion, nice gifts shouldn't beholden the receiver to you.

I am so sorry to hear this. It sounds very disappointing. While I agree that the wedding party shouldn't be responsible for helping with setup prior to the wedding, it seems deceitful for your MOH to say she wanted to come early to help but couldn't afford it, you paid for her plane ticket, and now she is backing out of her promise while flying on your dime. I definitely think it's fair for you to let her know that you are hurt that you paid for her flight believing she wanted to come early to help you, and now she will not be doing that. It may not change anything, but she hurt your feelings, and I think it is okay to tell your best friend if they have hurt you. What was she coming to help with?

I didn't read all of the comments, so my apologies if you already addressed this, but did they tell you WHY they don't want to come to the rehearsal? While I agree that a rehearsal should not be mandatory, it is a pretty standard part of being in a wedding party. I have been in weddings where someone has missed, and I unfortunately had to miss one due to a work obligation, but to just not WANT to seems very hurtful. If someone legitimately can't make it, fine, but to give someone a hard time about it and just act like it's an annoyance is not the way someone should be treating a close friend.

And getting ready and pre-ceremony photos are also a very standard part of being in the wedding party. Have any of these girls been in a wedding before? I can't believe they are giving you a hard time about this. That to me is one of the most fun parts of being in a wedding, and something I am very looking forward to for my own. I would be very hurt if my wedding party did not want to partake. Is is just your two sisters who want their SO's there, or are the other two also being difficult about that part? I just can't wrap my head around why they asked you to book that for them and now are bailing. I would send your sisters some pictures of getting ready shots to let them know what you are going for. I would also explain that people will be getting changed, the girls will be helping you get into your dress, and it's not really a place for men. I mean, do they WANT their SO's to see you and the other girls half naked? I can't imagine the guys would want to be there, and I can't imagine why your sisters would want them there. It's very common for that to be a wedding-party only thing. It's not very fun to stand around and watch other people get dressed and take pictures, male or female. I mean, I am having a man of honor and two bridesmen, so they will be invited into the bridal suite at a later time to partake in the pre-ceremony champagne and the getting ready shots, but for the comfort and out of respect for my wedding party and their SO's, the men will come in after everyone is dressed and the chance of seeing boobs is zero. I would really try to explain to your sisters why this time is special for you and your wedding party, and why it won't really be a fun experience for their SO's. SO's have never been present in the getting ready process of any wedding I have been in, male or female. I even have a female SO and she had no desire to watch my friends and me get ready for my best friend's wedding last year, and I would have never thought to ask my friend if she could stand around and watch us get dressed and take pictures. FW had more fun spending time with other people prior to the ceremony, and my friend got her special time with her nearest and dearest on the most special day of her life.

While I agree that they are not responsible for decorating, the rehearsal dinner and getting ready the morning of are usually expected. I've been expected to be there for every bridal shower, bachelorette party, rehearsal and morning of. Did I HAVE to be there? No. But IMHO you know these events are part of a wedding and that the bride will want you there. If those things didn't interest me, I had the option to say I didn't want to be a bridesmaid. They should not be treated like hired help, but being a bridesmaid is more than throwing a dress on and showing up, it's being there for your friend. Also, if you are paying for their hair and makeup and they are refusing to get ready with you that is bullshit. Are they planning on getting ready together with their SO's without you? I'd be pissed if that is the case.

Your expectations are not unreasonable. Being invited to the rehearsal dinner (and being excited to attend!) is standard for BMs, as is getting ready with the bride. To be honest- they're treating you pretty terribly.

@O&S #D&B That's what I was thinking too. Pretty much any plane ticket I can fathom would be $200-$300. Bridesmaids dresses, for my girls, were $200 a piece. I never heard of a bride paying for the BP's travel AND gowns AND hair and makeup. My "budget wedding" meant that the girls could choose if they wanted their hair and makeup professionally done. Oh well...I guess I'm a mean bride.