Disappointed in bridesmaids

I'm paying for my family member's flights for our DW and actually encouraged them to take advantage of being in Europe and explore after the wedding. My Dad did make a comment that makes me think of your view, he said he thought it would be rude but I don't understand that. Why wouldn't you want your nearest and dearest to have the best time possible? They are going to be there for your wedding day to celebrate with you which is all that matters. Who cares what they do before/after?

If the promise of her helping you wasn't on the table, how would she have gotten to the wedding? Would you still have paid for it? ETA: the getting ready and bridal suite thing is weird, I would agree as a bridesmaid in the past, I knew I'd be needed for hmu and pictures before the ceremony so it's odd they don't think that.

It sounds like your gift comes with a whole lot of strings. Just because you are paying doesn't mean you get to dictate everything they do. You should have paid for a DOC instead of flying out your MOH to work

@CD my MOH had planned on paying for her flight herself and flying in on a different day closer to the wedding when the flight would have been cheaper. She said she would have come at an earlier date to help but couldn't afford it, and that's when I offered to pay for her flight

If you offer things because they benefit you not the other person it is not a gift...just saying

@Keisha paying for her flight wasn't intended to be a gift. It was something I offered to do when she made the comment that she wished she could come sooner to help set up. The hair, makeup, dresses, and gifts the morning of the wedding are supposed to be their gifts...

Paige, we're helping you to re-frame your expectations (possibly too late) so that you don't end up burning people out on your wedding. You really need to lower your expectations or you may not have as stress-free wedding as you'd like, because of your resentment toward them.

Well then you should have gotten a contract cause it sounds like you hired her to be your DOC. Lesson learned. Your friends do not equal paid professional vendors....mind blown

The hair, makeup and dresses (probably jewelry too) are meant to be used at your wedding, for your wedding. They're not really gifts though, right?

Ah, if it was as clear as you just stated, then yes, pretty crappy.

When she updated you with her new plans, did you not say " but I thought I paid for you to come early so you'd help?"

If you missed that moment, I think all you have is to move on or tell her you were hurt by her change in plans and then move on. Unfortunately I don't see either of those getting your money back but maybe she will remember the agreement and apologize.

Well thank you everyone for your comments. I guess the way I would treat someone who asked me to be part of their special day is a lot different than most people. Who knew asking people to show up to pre-paid events that they agreed to going to, and asking someone to keep their word on helping when you paid for them to come sooner after they offered to help was such an unreasonable thing to do...

Oh you lost me there in your last comment. The hair, make up and dress are for you. For your wedding pictures. Those aren't gifts. If you require those things then you pay for those things. Like school uniforms. You wouldn't give a kid a new uniform and try to pass it off as a fun new gift just for them, would you?

I didn't require the hair and makeup. I offered if they would like to have it done professionally that I would pay to have it done and they all said they wanted it

Still not a gift, if being done for your wedding.

You can't pay their way and expect them to do exactly as you say. They are your friends and family, not your employees.

How is your relationship outside of the wedding? What's going on in their lives? Do you ONLY talk about the wedding and your expectations?

It sounds exhausting. They have other lives that don't involve stringing up lights at your venue.

I would take a step back and take care of your wedding yourself.

Let me tell you this: no one cares about your wedding as you do. Is sad but that is just the way it is. No one gets excited as you get for your wedding. Don't ask them anything. If they don't want to get ready with you just tell them to be there on time for the ceremony. I rather asked them that than have them getting ready with me knowing they don't want to be there.

Just because you pre-paid for this stuff doesn't mean shit, and like others said, it's not a gift. Hair/makeup is nice, and sure they'll look nice in their photos, but get real - that's for your benefit, not theirs.

Look, I know we all think our weddings are the shit, but your wedding isn't the event of the century and no one is dying to attend. They have plenty of other things going on in their life that are way more important than your wedding. Even if they didn't, your wedding still isn't a priority for them.

Also, maybe they don't see the friendship the way you do. I know at least one person who was asked to be a MOH, and she told me she had no idea why she was asked because she didn't see their friendship that way.

Honestly, I'd be upset. Maybe it's because I have awesome friends who not only volunteer (and follow through) with tasks, but also because they go in with the expectations that being part of a bridal party generally comes with some responsibilities. These are also, generally, the people that you're closest too, and in that same vibe, you should be able to tell them how this bothers you.

That being said, I've been to plenty of weddings where it was generally understood that the bridal party helps to decorate and tear down after the wedding. I think that it's more acceptable depending on the closeness of friends/family. My MIL and mother both have laughed when I asked about certain things being "rude" or certain etiquette that I've learned on here....so I've learned to get advice from others outside of this site, with this as a guideline, and then going to friends and family for clarifying advice.

I have to say, as a bride looking for bridal support, I'm really dissapointed in the opinions of this community. How am I supposed to explain an entire situation in 1000 characters? Everyone is so quick to judge, like I'm ordering these girls around. I've been planning this wedding on a budget for over a year and haven't seen any of the 4 of them in that time and haven't expected them to help with anything until the couple days leading up to the wedding, which they had agreed to. I'm not treating them like slaves - I'm asking them to be there for the events that they agreed to be there for. To show up to the things I've pre-paid for because they said they would be there, and to have them supporting me and being happy for me instead of pouting that I won't let their boyfriends be part of the bridal party. Very disappointing points of view... I guess this is not the place for me

"Is it unreasonable for me to expect them to be there for the rehearsal and while getting ready the morning of?"

I know it sounds shitty, but yes. Stop expecting things from people and you'll be much happier. This is why I only had an MOH. I asked her what she wanted/needed for the wedding day and I provided it, oh and I didn't expect anything from her (yes, that's possible).

And guess what, she didn't throw me a bach party, we didn't get together to pick our dresses, she didn't help set up either, but somehow we're still best friends. Wild, right?

Personally, I want to know what kind of friends people have that wouldnt offer to help you on your big day?!

You're right, its not their JOB, however, I have friends that offer to do shit to help me. Im not assigning them duties but we will get shit done and its going to be amazing. However, I wouldn't be leaving them with the setup job either. A few things here and there is not too much. You shouldn't have to ASK. They should offer because they are your friends. If you wouldnt offer to help me, I probably don't need you standing next to me on my day. UO probably but its how I feel about the people I surround myself with.

With that being said, while paying for everything is mighty generous, it doesn't mean you dictate everything.

The men have no business being in the bridal suite. Their man can get ready and show up when he is supposed to. If he truly is a man, he will manage.