Disappointed in bridesmaids

Honestly, bridesmaids ARE supposed to help. That's what they are there for. You earn being a bridesmaid and they're there to help make your process go a little easier not harder. All the people saying "well they're just supposed to show up. They aren't your employees" you guys are hilarious. When you are asked to be a bridesmaid or MOH you are AGREEING to help with whatever the bride needs help with because you care and love them and WANT to help. They shouldn't have said yes they'd be in the wedding if they didn't want to really be apart of it. Paige you're better than me because I would have dropped all of them and got a whole new set of bridesmaids. You only get married once and the whole process should be a positive one and if they aren't doing that then they don't need to be apart of it and can sit in the crowd with their sour faces. Just my opinion.

Put your bridal party in a group text message or email and tell them exactly how you feel.

Asha so kicking your friends out of your wedding party and picking new friends contributes to a "positive" experience? Lmao, okay.

I actually just sent the three girls who are bringing dates in my bridal party texts this morning saying that the 3 of their dates can carpool together to the wedding from our cabin (we rented a huge cabin for our bridal party). I think my one MOH is a little irked that her boyfriend won't be there to get ready but why would they? That's just so bizarre to me.

@AAK that is basically how my drama started. One of my sisters in our group text mentioned her SO coming to get ready with us and then all of this mess started and we are only 2 week from the wedding! I never thought to bring it up because it just seemed so basic that men would not be getting ready with the bridal party...

I have never heard of a BP that did not want to do the getting ready part together. That's like... One of the best things about being in the BP. Drinking mimosas, laughing, getting glammed up with your friends, etc. I'm sorry they don't want to share that with you. I find it odd. Even more odd to ask for men to be a part of it. Like... Wut?

I also have never heard of a BP not being there for the rehearsal.... Isn't that for them to rehearse? Those are just my expectations.

I'm not sure what tasks you asked of them so I have no opinion on that.

ETA ok, yes I can see that if they cannot make the rehearsal then fine. But to complain about it?... Sadness.

The difference is that I didn't *expect* my MOH to lift a finger. Did she offer? Yes, and I told her NO. Just stand beside me during the ceremony, and support our relationship like she has all these years. I wasn't putting her to work. What the fuck for? I'm the one getting married, not her.

Of course I needed lots of help planning the wedding - I was stressed. Guess who I asked? My H, and the DOC I hired. That was my help. I also picked the brains of the friends I made off of her because we were all in it together. I would have never bothered my MOH with a bunch of wedding shit.

Paige B. I'm sorry they are treating you this way. While you shouldn't expect ppl to set up if she offered then she should stick to that. And rehearsal and getting ready before is part of the Bridal party events. ESP if you paid for everything. I think they are being selfish to expect you to allow men in the dressing room with you. I think you should sit down and talk to them as a group. Or maybe just not have them there. Sorry. I know I'm not part of the popular vote on this but they are being selfish and rude.

@Asha: no, no, no. The wedding party members are not "AGREEING to help with whatever the bride needs help with." Yes, friends help out friends. That has nothing to do with weddings or whether you are a bridesmaid or not. If a friend of mine needs something, I will be there for her. But someone who expects to be waited on is not going to make or keep quality friendships.

Your bridal party are your most treasured friends. You are honoring them by asking them to stand up with you =. "That's what they are there for." Not to wait on you because *it's my day!*

I don't know how so many people here can interpret anything that's been written as "asking them to wait on me hand and foot". IM ASKING TO BE THERE FOR ME! To do the things they said they would do when they agreed to be in the wedding! The only reason I expect them to help is because they SAID that they would long before now, and because we made special and expensive arrangements because they said they wanted to help! They haven't had to do anything so far nor have them been asked to! I'm disappointed that none of them stepped up or have shown any excitement, but how can just expecting them to keep their promises and show up for the things we have scheduled in advanced be so unreasonable?!?

@Paige, I read your edited post, and YES you have the right to be upset. If the people closest to me OFFERED to come early to help and I paid for their damn plane ticket for them to do so, and now they want to bail on me to go visit someone else, FUCK YES, I am going to be salty as hell and they will probably know it!!!

No, I do not have the right to EXPECT people to drop their lives to "do my bidding", but don't offer if you don't want to do it!!!

I stand by my original post about the men in the bridal suite. HELL TO THE NO!!!!!!

It is not unreasonable for you to want them there for the rehearsal, but honestly there doesn't have to be one, unless your wedding has a bunch of complicated things going on. Pretty much every wedding is basically the same, so they should be able to get by on the wedding day, as long as there is someone who can give them instructions the day of. Or maybe you can tell them you only need them for 30 minutes and then they can go hang out with their man or other friends and they wont see it as such an inconvenience.

Lastly, just let them know that you paid for the photographer and HMUA and you really want pictures of them getting ready, and how much it will mean to you, and how gorgeous they will look, yada, yada, yada. Hopefully if you play to their vanity a little, it will work. It is kind of underhanded, but hey if it causes you less stress, it is worth it in my book. Good luck sweetie!

eta: spelling

I lived hours away from my bridesmaids and didn't give them assignments on what to do. I even went as far as to tell them to not try to help setting up because they are my BMs not my hired help.

I don't understand the concept of working your BP before the wedding. I always thought that was the perk of having a venue. I also wouldn't be mad at a BM who said she would do something to set up or whatever and didn't. She probably didn't realize what went into it and whatnot.

I would say you have a right to be upset with the BMs with their significant others getting ready with you. I'd send them some of the "girls only" getting ready shots you were going for. If they are younger they may not realize what the "getting ready" shots are.

I'm sorry that you don't feel that you have the support of your bridemaids. I don't get the impression that you are asking for much so I get why you are disappointed. Be careful of your postings because some ladies can be viscous with their advice.

"Is it unreasonable for me to expect them to be there for the rehearsal and while getting ready the morning of?"

They don’t have to be there for the rehearsal. Getting ready the morning of though, yes I think it’s reasonable to expect them there for that. I don’t see how anyone on here could argue otherwise.

@Morgan Viscous? Like a thick sticky substance?? Do you mean vicious? Which is intentionally cruel? I don't think honest advice is mean. I don't think giving a bride perspective is mean.

I have 10 bridesmaids. (Groom has a lot of friends) They're never on the same page. There's only 4 out of 10 that have really helped me. My sister and MOH are very unreliable ( never saw that one coming). My sister even requested days off for my bachelorette party and decided to go to a trip with her GF instead. My MOH decided to book a weekend bartending gig up on the day of the bachelorette.

I have family who offered to help set up signs and small details my decorator won't be able to do. If they backed out, i'd be pretty pissed. Don't offer to begin with. I'm planning a wedding, don't get my hopes up for nothing, and add to my list of stress. Also, MOH is paying for hardly nothing... and she's the better one off in the bunch. -_- anyway. i've learned, depend on no one, expect nothing from anyone, and if you want something done you do it yourself.

I practically planned my bachelorette bc my MOH was ignoring it, and kept forgetting to book it.

My bridesmaids will be getting ready in my suite as well. I didn't ask, just told them they're getting hair and makeup done there, taking pics 1 hr before final ready time and leaving to venue right after. No issues there.

@MrsBdeG--I am dying over here. Dying. And I have been feeling rather gelatinous and gluey lately. Thanks for noticing.

Yes, for many booking a venue comes with the luxury of things being done for you, but not all of us can afford that and I chose to spend my money paying for plane tickets, dresses, and other things that would make the day special for everyone. I did so because everyone made me feel like I would have their help and support because we are *on a budget and doing everything ourselves. Did no one here try to do a wedding on a budget where they couldn't hire people to do everything for you?!? My girls said they would be there and now they are not, and not only are they not but they are making me feel like I'm punishing them for asking them to follow through like they said they would. Maybe some of you don't know how it feels to have those close to you back out and let you down only 12 days from your wedding and I'm glad you don't know what that feels like because it's terrible

You're right, I don't know how that feels because I hired people (with contracts) to do all that work. I cut back in other areas (cheaper dress, florals, photographer) in order to afford to do so.

You shouldn't have paid for their dresses, flights, etc and you should have hired a DOC instead. Yes, it is shitty that they promised all these things and have now backed out, but what can you do? Move on and enjoy your day. Lesson learned.

I'm shocked of all the negative comments. I'm sorry OP about your experience. I would be very frustrated if my bridal party complained about attending the rehearsal and getting ready when they originally agreed to. I have only read the edited post so not sure what the original said but I've read all your comments explaining what was going on.

1. Your MOH offered and wanted to come early to help set up but couldn't because she couldn't afford an earlier flight. You offered to pay for the flight if she could set up and she agreed. Now she's not going to help, got a free flight, and is hanging out with someone instead? YES I'd be pissed. While maybe a bride shouldn't assume ppl will help set up, that's not your situation. She offered and you paid for an early flight. I would definitely at least express your disappointment.

2. Your bridal party complaining about the rehearsal and getting ready. I'm actually shocked comments are saying it's not expected. While maybe it's not totally necessary and they can wing it, all the weddings I've been to the bridal party all attended the rehearsal and there wasnt a question about why. It's a special time, meet the other party if they haven't, go through details. As a previous commenter said - it just comes with being a party member. If they can't make it, fine. But to complain and not want to just cause? I would say selfish.

3. Your bridal party TOLD YOU they WANTED the professional hair and makeup IF YOU PAID. You didn't require it of them. They told you, yes we want it, go ahead and pay for it. And now they don't want to because their boyfriends/husbands can't get ready with you all as you are half naked? That is ridiculous to me. Again the weddings I've been to the bridal party was excited about getting ready, doing makeup, talking, etc. it's just a part of being part of the party with taking pictures. Maybe express to them I would appreciate it if you can get ready, I hired the pro makeup and hair as you requested and am unable to cancel the service. The men will be nearby? (Usually the groomsmen have their own room or guests can wait in some area) tell them they can go see their SOs after they get ready.. as a previous commenter said it's unhealthy they can't be separated for an hour or however long.

4. I'm not sure why many ppl are calling you entitled or saying just because you paid you can't expect much. I didn't get that feeling, I understood your disappointments, they aren't following through with commitments of what is expected of them. Of all the weddings I attended, yes it was expected the bridal party to at least attend rehearsal and take pics in the morning. That doesn't mean they can't see them afterward. As you said, they weren't involved before that so yes they can do these two basic things.

5. I read a comment about them not throwing you a Bach party? Not sure if that was in your original post as I haven't seen it. But YES I would be sad. Maybe it's not required yea, but it's definitely a hopeful expectation of your bridal party to throw you one. At least of the ppl I know, a Bach party was just automatically planned!

6. Lastly to your one question at the end. Is it unreasonable to want them to attend rehearsal and morning of? Absolutely reasonable. Definitely expected. While the majority opinion on this forum is the opposite, I don't think it reflects the majority of weddings. My closest friends and family are a part of the big day and would offer to help which I will gladly take. However, I will also ask my closest friends and family to help with things. Not treat them as workers but I'm close enough to not be afraid to ask for help and I know they would be willing to help out. That's been the experience of the weddings I've attended. I hope your day is amazing, express your concerns with your group they are there for you, push through and be excited to marry your SO!