Disappointed in bridesmaids

Wow, lot's of different opinions here! I totally think that it is very reasonable to expect them to be in the bridal suite with you the morning of the wedding, but the MEN do not need to be there. That is just crazy. If you have paid for their dresses and also paid for your MOH's flight to the wedding, I think it is perfectly fine for you to ask her help with decorating the day before. They all should be at the rehearsal; that's what it's for. Sounds to me like you have some very selfish bridesmaids.

Do you realize, Paige, that on six pages of posting on this forum, you have used the words, "pay", "paid", or "prepaid" at least 16 times in reference to your honor attendants? Do you realize that you've also mentioned your expensive reservations and their custom jewelry that you've paid for? Do you realize that you started capitalizing the words "PAY"/"PAID" back on the first two pages of this post? Are you reminding your attendants of your expenses, due to them , as much as you're reminding us? We get it...you paid for what you wanted -- a MOH who couldn't afford to attend you unless you PAID for her transportation, hair and make-up that you wanted for everyone, and dresses that your attendants couldn't afford.

Wouldn't it have been smarter to pay a décor company to set up and break down your wedding instead of paying, paying, and paying for what your honor attendants couldn't afford?

Nobody owes you vendor services unless they're a vendor, whether you pay for their false eyelashes and facial contouring or not. That's on you. If your MOH wants to spend some time with a friend in the area, so be it. You're not paying her by the hour. She''ll be at your wedding and at your RD.

You edited your original post, and from what I gathered, you wanted a few things you didn't get -- something to do with a BP, perhaps. Secondly, you have two sisters who want their SOs getting ready with you and your other attendants. You tell them, quite directly, "NO".

I feel sorry for you. You are so focused on what you think your attendants should be doing that you are missing the point of the day -- you are marrying someone you love and want to spend the rest of your life with. Who cares about all of this other nonsense? They'll be at the RD and the wedding. Set-up? You've still got some time, and honestly, you should have never allowed any of them to offer to do your set-up. That was a mistake.

Move on. Your money didn't buy you what you thought it did -- that's life. What are you going to do about it? Keep repeating the mantra or refocus on what really matters? The choice in yours.

Honestly I'd be telling them that they are acting selfish. Your friend wanting to visit a friend while she's in town is one thing, but refusing to get ready with you because they won't be with their men is extremely selfish and petty.

Since you already paid for everything maybe a great compromise would be to pay for a room for all of their SO to get ready in while they are with you in the bridal suite getting ready. Or they can get ready with their SO and show up to the bridal suite already dressed to help you get ready. I am surprised to read that it's your entire bridal party acting like this.

@Paige, I would be mad too if I paid for my MOH to come early to help me step up as she AGREED to and then said she didn't want to so she could spend time with someone else. She agreed. Her job is to help you with the stress of the wedding not be the stress for the wedding.

As for the who SO's and getting ready, I've never heard of that before and that's just complete ridiculousness.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope they all come to their senses before the rehearsal dinner.

If you are paying for them to be there, I would feel a little more obligated to be there. It's not like that have to foot a bill or really lift a finger at this point and it's not even their day.

As to the men getting ready. Absolutely not. This is not their day, it's yours and if you want your girls there to get ready then they should be there because they are your friends but if they choose not to, then fine. You will see them at the alter.

I just don't get how someone can be asked to be in a bridal party and act like they don't have to do shit or care about the day. You clearly weren't asked for no reason so show some respect or don't be in it at all. They may not be "employees" but I hope they see one day what it takes to throw a wedding and then see how they feel.

I disagree with most of these people. I think your being more than generous by paying for literally everything. . It is entirely reasonable for them to be at the rehearsal dinner and to get ready with you, that is what pretty much any bridal party I've ever been in or heard of would do both things. As you said, they offered to help out with some of these things so it's not unreasonable to be a little annoyed when she bails. I am sorry your bridesmaids are not being supportive.

I'm only going to touch on one part of this post and leave my other comments unsaid... it didn't strike me as coincidental that your BM said she would offer to help set up and such but flights were too expensive to get there early so you then offered to pay for her flight to offset the cost so she could help set up and decorate but now she is bailing. Unfortunately, I don't think she ever had the intention or desire to actually offer. I think she was just saying it to be polite and make it seem like she wanted to help... I don't think she ever expected you to pay for that early ticket. All in all, I do feel for you as I'm sure this is disappointing but at the same time, I think you need to focus on what's important at the end of the day... regardless of whether or not you had a BP, whether or not they help you set up, and whether or not they get ready with you the morning of... you are marrying the love of your life who will making a vow to stand by you and not disappoint you no matter what. Try to focus on the big picture.

I feel your pain when it comes to a less than enthusiastic bridal party my fsil is in my bridal party and has pretty much bitched the entire time about every last detail. It was a case where I felt obligated to ask her and she felt obligated to say yes. Hell she told me she's immediately changing out of her dress after the ceremony because it's too conservative for her. Unfortunately at this point I've pretty much said f@*k it I'll pick my battles and this one is a dead fish.

Alexis, she's paying for everything.....for her own wedding.

I totally understand where you are coming from. I can tell you that we are a rare breed because post like this get slack on account it is looked at like it is unreasonable for the bride to expect anything other than people show up. With that being said. Some of my BMs have not been supportive of me through out this entire process. But as PP say no one will be as excited about your big day as you will be. It's unfortunate you have to go through this but at least you know now so the day of you don't have to be stressed about them not showing up when you want. Perhaps you should find alternative to the MOH for the help you will need.

I however; do not find any of your request unreasonable. I don't think people quite understand the roles of MOH and BMs.

Yes they are honored and VIP guests but there are things associated with that. You don't just show up and look pretty. They are there to help the bride just show up and look pretty and be able to take in her day and be able to experience every detail and moment.

Again I understand what you mean considering you are covering what seems to be everything for them and they are not even providing you with support. Use this opportunity to either tell them how you feel or learn from it and move on so this doe snt bother you the day of.

https://www.weddingideasmag.com/bridesmaids-duties-jobs-during-your-wedding-day/

I'm probably going to get blasted here, but I think it's not unreasonable for brides to expect the bridal party to help a little bit here and there. I'm not, but if someone does, within reason, I don't see a problem with it. Particularly when you read articles like this, which come directly from Wedding Wire.

https://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-ideas/what-to-expect-when-you-are-the-maid-of-honor

https://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-ideas/the-ultimate-maid-of-honor-duties-checklist

https://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-ideas/8-things-every-maid-of-honor-should-do

https://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-ideas/10-things-your-bridesmaids-need-to-do-on-your-wedding-day

Each of these are articles about "jobs" a MOH and BM are expected to perform aside from wearing a specific dress and showing up. I know each bridal party is different, and expectations will be different in every situation. A common theme in each of these WW blogs is the MOH is supposed to help plan and set up the wedding. So, if the OP paid to fly the MOH out early after the MOH offered to help, I don't think there is a problem with the OP being upset that the MOH has decided to go back on her offer to help. Otherwise, the OP could have let the MOH buy her own ticket a fly out just for the wedding. She didn't have to spend her money like that. But I appear to be in the minority opinion.

^^^^^^exactly! I agree with @JenniferM 100%

You go Jennifer M!!! I couldn't agree more!!!! They have these articles for a reason and it's to help us understand the duties of the bridal party with what we should and should not expect and I do not feel that Paige is not unreasonable at all!!! And I for one am a little surprised at the fact that most people have not read this giving that they are giving advice on the topic. @Paige, like I said before I think you are right to feel the way you do. From your explanation it seems you went out of your way to make your BM's and MOH a welcomed part of your wedding and they seem to be treating this as a high school dance that they don't have to attend. Giving your word shoukd mean something. You spending your money on her word should mean something. Accepting your offer to be in your wedding comes with obligations and they should honor it.

You should print out those articles and give it to them. Maybe this will help them understand what saying yes to being in a bridal party is all about.

@ Jennifer FTW

There are no universal concepts when it comes to weddings, and I could never for the life of me understand why someone would get crucified for expressing the opinion that is supported by the very website the forum belongs to (and multiple other wedding planning and etiquette websites). Talk about confusing...

@ Abbie

Glad I'm not the only one doing a double take over it, too! My thoughts exactly.

Yeah, there are some bridezillas who just ask too damn much. I get that. But there are certain things a bridal party is expected to do. And as you pointed out, every wedding planning and etiquette website echoes these "jobs." So I don't see a problem with expecting the bridal party to follow accepted protocol and chip in... within reason.

Pretty much. But of course no one who so vehemently defended the fact that bridal parties should not lift and finger and if you ask that of them you're a poor host will ever comment on the fact that this forum's website and numerous others suggest otherwise.

It makes zero sense.

I understand the disappointment but unfortunately you can't control adults. They aren't being nice friends (can you tell i work with kids?)

I get that rehearsals aren't mandatory but I would expect my BP to be there baring anything major happening.

If they don't want to get ready with you, could you use the pre-paid makeup artists on your moms? Grandmas? Treat someone who wants to be there. Or see if you can use the credit for another event?

That's disappointing. Sorry. Maybe find out for sure who is going to be there to get ready , let your hair/makeup person know and that's that. The others will just miss out being in those pictures.

Since when has lowering expectations from the people who are closest to us been acceptable?

I expect certain things from the people who are closest in my life just as they expect things of me.

I brought his up my closest friends and they all agreed that the bride (Paige) is not being unreasonable and that her bridal party needs to step up and help her out.