Cake&Punch AND a registry?

@SOS, people talk about taking their money out of envelopes for cash bars, which is really against etiquette. It's rude to make people pay for any part of the reception. This is about serving cake/punch which is not against etiquette.

MNA! Hai. Haaaaiiiiiii.

@Augustlaw: Wow. I wasn't aware that treating guests rudely or like they're gift machines was a regional thing. Well, guess I'm glad I don't live in such an area then.

Rudeness is not regional. If you see this frequently in your social circles, it just means you run with a lot of rude, crappy people.

Yes definitely register! That's totally fine.

@MNA what I'm trying to say is it seems there's an assumption around here is always a full bar, dance all night, city style shindig. What is expected at a wedding varies a lot and in my area not serving alcohol certainly wouldn't be rude or "treating guest like gift machines"

And the fact that you said not having a full bar, dancing, etc. means I "run with a lot rude, crappy people" is well rude. It certainly is not when you are around a lot of Footloose type towns. And that type of response is exactly the attitude I was talking about.

Do a registry, but make sure you have a range of prices for the items. Some people may be more inclined to get cheaper items.

@Augustlaw: Could you please quote where I said you had to have a full bar and everything? I'm pretty damn sure that I didn't. It's rude behavior to put words in another's mouth.

It IS rude not to properly host your guests. Yes, that means serving a meal. Yes, that means hosting alcohol, EVEN IF IT IS JUST BEER AND WINE. It does not necessarily mean a DJ, but if you're having more than 30 people, a DJ will help keep people mingling and social longer, and keep your reception going.

So yeah, if you run with people who think that asking for gifts while providing guests with a slice of cake and a glass of punch is appropriate (or even little finger foods, too), then you run with some seriously rude people. Don't degrade your region just because you run with said people. It isn't the region's fault, it's the fault of the social circle.

Well I'm glad to know now that @mna is officially the expert on proper hosting. How dare it be suggested there can be difference in what's considered good hostessing? How dare all those old fashioned weddings be tacky? How dare people plan weddings that go along with what they're used to? @mna says if there's no bar it's a gift grab so I guess the OP better elope or wait until she can afford to hostess to these standards. Never mind that marriage for some people is more about the religious sacrament. No party after and you shouldn't have a wedding or you're "using your guests."

This is exactly the behavior I was discussing.

@August: Um, wow. Dramatic much? Op is overinviting. She obviously can't afford her guest list if she can't even feed them. Adults attending a "hosted" party tend to expect to be treated as adults. I'm sorry you can't seem to understand that, but truly, that is how adults think. If I was invited to a wedding with 150 people, paid over $1000 to go (which is, on average, what it costs someone to go to a local wedding), and was only offered punch and cake, yes, I'd be pissed and feel like it was a gift grab. No worries though, because I'd also probably never speak to that person again. Why? Because if they'd cut their guest list by 1/3 they could have AT LEAST afforded to feed people. OR they could have had a morning breakfast wedding, which is typically cheaper. OR, if the sanctity of marriage is as important to them as you spouted off about, they could ELOPE. Then it really is all about the couple.

I know ALLLLL about the decisions that go into a wedding. DF and I originally planned the whole 150 guest wedding. Then we pared back, we were going to do a DW with a guest list of no more than 35 and we were going to treat them like fucking royalty.

Now we have decided to do just as I stated: elope. We're spending the money and time on US: starting our marriage with a beautiful wedding ceremony and photos, and an awesome honeymoon for our memories. We made that choice after months of long discussions and debates with ourselves and each other. Was it an easy choice? Nope. But it's better than half-assing a bigger wedding just to have people there so we can collect their gifts, which is TRULY the gross mindset here.

You say that you are doing the reception at a non-meal time. That being said, a cake and punch reception is fine as is your registry.

My only comment is how do you spend $1000 on a local wedding? i can see if you have to fly somewhere hence not local, but how could you possibly spend $1000 on a local wedding?

Yes should be fine

I think it is fine. People will not want to come empty handed. Big reception or cake and punch, I'm still giving you money in a card. I base my gift on the relationship not the meal I'm getting in return.

There is nothing wrong with having a reception with cake and punch and a few light appetizers at the church as long as it's not done at a meal time. There's nothing gift grabby about it either. It's also unfair to say OP is over hosting when she never stated how many she was hosting. They can't afford a full dinner and open bar so cake and punch is the route to go. Would you prefer she self cater and have a cash bar or host the wedding she can afford?

I would still bring a gift to a smaller reception. I see the gift as wishing a newlywed couple well for the future, and I like to think that they might remember their wedding and our friendship as they use the gift. I like visiting a friend for Christmas and seeing the cookie sheets in the sink or the friend who recommends the pet hair vacuum I got them to anyone who will listen. I imagine my friends hosting a Thanksgiving with my serving dish or wrapping their child in a quilt from their registry. I don't see a gift as a reimbursement for a reception. I see it as celebrating the union of people I care about.

I don't give a smaller gift for a less formal reception or a bigger one for a more costly reception. My budget/paycheck is the same either way. I pick something in my price range or that I know the couple will use from the registry and go from there. I usually send gifts to weddings even if I am unable to attend if I'm close to the couple.

The way I see it, if I'm attending a wedding I am close to the bride and/ or groom. Chances are I have an idea about their jobs or living situation. I am not going to withhold a gift because a struggling couple wants to have a simple celebration and can't afford a large reception.

I'm not there for the food or the dj. If I can't afford to take time off of work or travel, then I don't go. I understand that people get frustrated with the amount of money they spend to go to a wedding, but it is absolutely an option to not attend if you are concerned that you aren't getting your money's worth or feel like your time is being wasted.

I fully agree that guests should be properly hosted. Having said that, it's not like you are registering for diamonds and cars and asking them to share a glass of tap water and some mints.

As long as you make it clear that it will be light refreshments and it is not a timeframe that will keep people from eating during a standard mealtime, you should be fine.

Also wondering how it costs $1000 to attend a local reception? Genuinely curious. Without gift, $50 is the most I've spent. Destination wedding would be a different issue, though.

Yeah I'm totally confused how it costs $1000 to attend a local wedding. Even if you buy a new dress/shoes, get hair, nails, makeup professionally done and a gift, you're still nowhere near $1000.

@Robyn and Kreestan: It's easy, especially if it's a couple attending.

Most ladies will purchase a new dress for a wedding: $150

Shoes: $50

Any new accessories: $50

Shower gift: $150-$200

Wedding gift: $200-300 or more

Guy's new shirt and/ or slacks, or suit: $50-$200

Gas to wedding and wedding events: $50-100

Wedding night hotel150

Then also take into account if anyone needs to take time off for the wedding, as that's essentially money spent on the wedding, as you likely otherwise would have used that money elsewhere.

Oh, and don't forget if you need childcare, there's another expense.

It's easy to spend $1000 or more on yes, a LOCAL wedding, and not even realize it.

Wow, ummmm, ok. that still seems really high but it's all relative i guess.

Yeah that's really high for a local wedding

It's rare to see gifts of above $100 at a shower and that much in cash or gifts at a wedding (i.e. Other than close family I'd be shocked to see both $100+ gifts and a check of that amount)

I doubt most guys get new suits every wedding and you can certainly get a nice dress for under $150 and don't need new shoes every wedding (unless both parties are in the wedding) and if it's costing $50-100 in gas you're getting bad mileage or it isn't really local

So I'm not buying that $1000 is the norm (at least nationally) for a local wedding