Asking your future in-laws for money: Yay or Nay?

Hi Stephanie,

You should probably have a conversation with them, but realize the only things they are traditionally responsible for are paying for the rehearsal dinner and alcohol at the wedding.

Have your FH ask them if they are okay covering these traditional expenses...that creates a bridge for them to offer up anything else they'd be willing to do, but if they don't offer, I wouldn't push it.

I think it is very generous of your family to contribute so much, but I would be careful when talking to in-laws. They aren't obligated to pay for anything, and if they choose not to, or cannot afford to, you wouldn't want to offend them. My parents are giving us money, and my FH says maybe his parents might, but I'm not expecting them too and have planned my budget accordingly. If they do, we'll be extremely grateful, but I wouldn't dream of asking.

I am in a similar situation....my mother (a single mother) has given us a budget of 25,000 and since were doing a destination wedding there is no rehearsal dinner and alcohol at the reception is already in the bill that weve paid. FHs parents havent offered anything and Im quite upset about it actually! FH and I have been discussing asking his family to perhaps just provide us with a montetary value that would be comparable but not certain how to have this conversation. Because its his family, I think Im leaving that discussion to him lol.....but yes I agree you need to have a discussion with them, so at least you know where you stand, good luck!!

I agree with Megan. I would wait and let them offer to contribute rather than ask. What you could do is mention that some of your family is contributing. Like if your FMIL asks about your wedding dress, you could say, "Yes, I've already picked it out. I'm so lucky that my mom offered to help out with it."

Sometimes people don't know how early deposits need to go down, so they don't offer money until after you've already spent a good amount. Try to subtly let them know that you're busy saving money already because you can't reserve your venue until you have the down payment. If they're planning on contributing, they will offer then. If they're not planning on contributing, nothing you say is going to change that.

Also, be careful when people promise money: unless it's in your hands, don't assume that they will actually give it to you. Many brides have been promised $$ that never materialized and had to pay it themselves.

Agreed Amy V.! My family doesn't have nearly as much money as his does. So with all the Coach purses a Tiffany's jewelry going around this past Christmas (at his sister's) I would almost feel insulted if they didn't contribute something. Doesn't even have to be money.

P.S. My family doesn't drink.

Well I suppose it depends on you and your FH's relationship with each set of parents..Typically I wouldn't suggest bringing it up unless they do. If you do wedding talk with them, and they offer then that's the route I'd go. But whatever promises are made money-wise please don't count on it until you have it in hand..many brides on here have depended on money for the wedding then the parents (or whoever) back out for one reason or another.

As mentioned, the only thing that the Grooms family traditional pays for is the Rehearsal Dinner. I have never heard of them paying for alcohol at the reception.

I would not ask them. If they offer, great. If the do not, your budget needs to be modified.

Wow $25,000 Mrs. T. You're mom is more than awesome! His two parents should be able to offer something. And I really thought about letting my FH have that talk with his folks, but I think his pride might be an issue /

Agree with Amy, as usual. Tradition? Not everyone follows tradition, AT ALL. Our parents did offer to help us a little, but we turned down the help -- for several reasons. I'll just say it's mainly because I don't want any of our parents having a say in anything, like inviting my fourth cousins or his parents' old neighbors twice removed. I'm done with traditions, and I'd rather my mom help with my dress and my shower. If our parents were rolling in it, then maybe I'd take it, though lol. But we don't follow traditions, and not many of my friends did, either. Stephanie, I'd be careful talking to your in-laws. If you really need the help, then get your fiance to talk to them and get a feel for it. Don't be the one to break the ice.

I am w/ Kathy. I have never heard of the groom's family paying for anything other than the Rehearsal Dinner. In some cultures, they pay for the HM.

Having typed that, if your FH feels as though he should ask his family, he should do the asking, imho. Also, in some cases, the more financial input, the more opinions you get.

My ex(along w/ his wife) & I(w/ DH) paid for my daughter's wedding. Cate & her DH paid for some of the extras too. Neither my ex, my daughter or I would have considered asking his parents to help to pay mainly because in our culture, it is traditional for the parents of the bride to pick up the tab. My SILs parents hosted a formal RD on Thursday eveing prior to the wedding. In addition, since many guests were coming from OOT on Fri eve, the ILs hosted a "Welcome to Philly" bash cocktail party. Both events were held in restaurants. Last but not least, they paid for their accomodations for their HM in Hawaii.

Asking for money can be a touchy subject. Kudos to your mother Mrs. T for giving you such a generous budget. I can tell you thinks happen in life that may change how much money can be contributed to a wedding.

I was married once before(whole another story) but I can say:

My parents never gave me a set budget but we did it as cost efficient as possible. 75 people were invited ... Close family and friends and food, floral, dress, invitations etc.... We spent $5,000-$6,000.

Now: I'm happily engaged and never been so happy in all of my life. We are planning 225-250 guests, we started out looking at $15,000. Now we are down to about $11,000-12,000. It just gets sooooo expensive. His parents are divorced and his mother is more than willing to help. She will be paying for rehearsal dinner and some other stuff. I don't have an exact dollar amount from her. My FH knows my Dad will contribute ( even though he paid for the first one). I'm letting my FH talk to his mom about how much she gives

I guess it depends on how close you are to them. I'm super close to my future in laws, but I wouldn't ask them for money. I would ask FH to do it.

My FH and I were promised financial help by his parents (the only ones in our lives who are able to help a little) so far the help they've provided is pre paying for the deposit on my dress which we are apparently now expected to pay back...so definitely don't count on it unless you have it cash in hand!!! Thankfully we didn't count on the help and are $500 under budget right now

You guys are right; more money, more opinions. Plus my FH should have that talk with his folks for sure. I will continue budgeting without considering any extra contributions from the in-laws, but will drop a few hints on the honeymoon ;O) If they could help on that end I'll call it even.

Uhhhh, this is 2013!! Tradition who??!!! I know it's "tradition" for the parents of the bride to pay...blah, blah, blah...but whatever! Ain't nobody got time for that! Nowadays, most couples are footing the bill for their entire wedding.

In this day and age, if you don't ask, you don't receive. The worst they can say is no. I'd say have a talk with your FH and decide how you are going to approach asking them (Personally, I'd have him do it LOL). It's hard to give you advice on how to approach it because we don't know the relationship you and your FH have with your in-laws, but I would definitely ask.

With all that said, I would budget assuming they won't contribute, and whatever they contribute (if they decide) will just be a bonus. But, like I said, ask and you shall receive...

I felt as though FH could ask his own family for help and I could ask my family for help. Other than that I didn't feel it was appropriate for me to ask his family. In the end his mother volunteered help that I didn't know about for the holidays and it was VERY much appreciated. But, since we didn't ask, I planned my budget without that help.

If anyone should, it should be your FH who talks to them... in my situation, my mom (who is a single mom raising 3 kids- I am the oldest by 10 years) couldn't help out financially and we knew it from the get-go, however FH's parents are ROLLING in it... like in a ridiculous manner.. but they aren't contributing diddy squat since FH's brother and SIL eloped and got married on the beach and her family paid for it all. So they think that if they help us, it's "unfair" to BIL and SIL (who didn't even invite his family to their wedding, they found out AFTER they got married). So FH heard the worst when they said no, and so we just moved forward and are paying for it ourselves with no help.

As far as traditions, I read somewhere (a long time ago in a previous engagment) that the grooms family is responsible for RD and Flowers?? But I don't know how accurate that is.

Also remember money comes with strings. If I pay for the food I should be able to invite who I want. Or have the kind/colors of flowers I want etc. Be very careful.

I thought tradition was the rehersal and the brides bouquet. I guess everyone is different.

I would plan the budget without their help. If they do hand you cash put it away or put it toward something but make sure you can pay for it without their help.

LMAO @Candice J.!! I hear ya....Money is so touchy and for me it's not the financial contribution that means so much, but rather the willingness to participate. Just to show that you're more than just a bystander in all of this. They (in-laws) are my new family now and I want us to bond and for them to feel like they had something to do with such a pivotal event in our lives even if that's just going dress shopping with me.

This is going to be a small wedding (40 people or less) so everyone there is going to be there because they have directly influenced the direction of my FH's and my relationship. No benchwarmers allowed!!

Never count on anyone else's money unless they physically hand it to you of their own free will.

I wouldn't ask, but I don't really get the inclination to have everyone give me money to throw a party that I'm the one that wants. It's great your family offered so much help, but they offered. Offered. IMO your FH should do the asking if you really want to ask, but you shouldn't go in with an attitude of feeling entitled to their help and if they say no you shouldn't be upset.