Asking your future in-laws for money: Yay or Nay?

Yes, money is certainly a touchy subject! I was anticipating having this problem ... my parents did offer to pay for all but then did ask if I knew if FH's parents would be able to contribute anything (ie. paying for alcohol or something similar). I told my parents I was not interested in asking FH's parents if they were going to "pay" for something but it ended up working out quite well. FH and I were at their house discussing wedding planning and FH's parents chipped in that they were on board to pay for 1/2 the wedding, they said the didn't realize we had already started planning which is why they didn't bring it up earlier!

I asked my FILs and it didn't went well. My FSIL texted me the next day insulting me and all. I didn't argue with them all I simply wanted to know if they were going to help out like they did with FSIL's wedding and they said no. So when we were done my DF and I came to conclusion not to invite his family just the parents and FBIL and make our wedding guest list for 60 guest. Anyway I never pictured my wedding over 100 guest. I don't have a huge family just like 15 people. Esp if we have to pay I don't want to go over our budget for the sake of having guest there that are not even in our life. So our wedding will be small. My FSIL won't be invited as she disrespected me, my relationship and our wedding. Better for me that my FILs are not pitching in cause that means they have a say and I wouldn't like that. I want to have the last say and esp who gets invited. My parents are not paying half just a small amount so why not them for their family. I don't care anyway cause I don't see them

I'm in a similar boat too. My mom, who's been out of work the majority of the past 2 years, is covering the bridal shower (she insisted, and I didn't argue because I think she wanted to feel she at least did SOMETHING to help). Jess and I are planning to pay for everything else ourselves. FMIL, who I wouldn't call rich but is by no means poor either, has always said 'oh yeah, of course I'll contribute and help yall out!' but the only thing she's offered to actually pay for is the BM's outfit (he's 15). Half of which he already owns since he's in his school band, so she'll pay a whopping $50 tops. We've had so much drama with her the past year over money and other issues that we just decided to let it go. We'll do what we can on our own, and anything we can't afford we just won't have.

I am in a similar situation. FI and I planned on paying for the wedding ourselves (I'm in my late 30's, and he's 40). My mom and stepdad have offered to pay a big part. FI's parents haven't mentioned a word about it, and I'm pretty sure they have no intentions of contributing anything...which is their choice.Tradition sucks...why is it fair for the bride's parents to pay for the whole bill? It's not...and things have changed. Anyway, I'm not having the conversation. In my opinion, it's FI's job (if someone is going to address it). That being said, I do not expect (and I wouldn't if it were me) him to have the conversation with them. I think it's a very uncomfortable conversation to have. Besides that, in my case, if they were going to contribute, they would have offered already. Personal preference, but if it were me, I would either drop hints (let them know that you are beginning to plan), or not have the conversation, and not plan on their contribution.

No one is obligated to pay for anything but yeah I agree with everyone else, I would definitely have your FH do it. He's their son.

My DH told his parents what they were "traditionally" responsible for and asked if they wanted to help but of course they didn't have to but MIL wanted to. She even insisted on paying for my flowers which I didn't expect. She said that was also traditional but I only knew about the Alcohol and the RD. I was lucky though. My ILs really wanted to help with as much as they could. They could not afford as much as my parents could but they tried.

I personally say DONT ask. Your inlaws know about the wedding, if they want to help they can offer their services, same as your family were forthcoming to offer theirs.

Tradition out the window, money is a touchy subject & they owe you no obligation. I think if they want to help then they will let you both know.

All the best.

I don't mean to offend but I'm of the mindset that you pay for your wedding yourself unless someone offers to pay for something. No one should plan a wedding with the expectation that either side will pay or help contribute.

You're very lucky your family is able to help so much. If anyone talks to your future in-laws, it should be FH, IMO.

I agree with the ladies, let FH talk to them! Also it's really up to you, how traditional you want to be or not. I have a lot of engaged friends who are tossing tradition out the door and mostly paying themselves or getting help from the groom's parents as well. It's something that you and FH should def talk about!

What we did was not plan on asking for anything. My parents then offered us money. We accepted. So FH asked his dad if he was planning on contributing but that we werent expecting anything but that we were just trying to come up with a budget. Then he basically was like I'll match what her family gave lol. Personally, i wouldnt ask them, your FH should be doing that. It would be weird if you went to them begging for money. Make him step in. But I think they need to know that if they dont want to contribute, then they can't make calls on guest list or anything. FH's mom didnt contribute anything so we didnt even ask who she wanted invited. Of course in the end she asked us to invite 2 people which we did just to prevent drama.

I wouldn't ask. If they want to contribute, they will offer. You could always discuss your budget with them and talk about the things that you want. That will give them the opportunity to jump in if they choose. However, I would absolutely NOT count on it.

I think at this point in the world, everyone just contributes what they can. My parents have the means and are paying for most of the wedding (aside from the small things that I'm buying along the way) and his parents are very comfortable themselves so they're covering the rehearsal and honeymoon as well as the cake for the reception. Personally, I would have had FH ask his parents about helping out had it needed to be asked. They offered, which was super nice!

We knew when we started planning that we were going to be responsible for most of the costs. My parents don't make a lot, plus my sister and niece live with them, so they don't have a lot to contribute. FH's Mom is a teacher and his Mom's husband (FH refuses to say he his Stepdad) owns his own plumbing business. Money is definitely not readily available on either side. His Mom has given us some money for the wedding but we aren't going to ask for anymore. The money was actually from stocks that someone gave FH as a child. They both feel bad that they don't have a lot to contribute so we just don't mention it.

*I haven't read any comments up to now, so I may repeat things.

You are fully aware that you can't ask them for money. You should pay your own way, blah, blah, blah.

However, you family is providing services. I'd approach them simply. Your family have many resources/ areas of expertise that are contributing to the wedding. You don't want them to feel that they are being shut out of the planning. Ask them to assist with other things. When the time comes, could they help assemble invitations? You'd love your FMIL advice on the linen selection. Ask for their time and attention! Ask for her to go tour venues with you, or help interview caterers.

If they offer to pay for things, that is great. However, it is not to be expected.

Have you fh ask

I think that before you get started with wedding planning you already know whether or not your parents or future inlaws are going to help with costs. You just know what kind of people they are and their general financial situation. Have your FH ask them if they're interested in helping financially. Narrow it down, like, can you help us with the reception costs, or the cake or etc. etc. etc. The worst they can do it say no

I agree tradition is thrown out the window as far as we are concerned lol. FH and I are footing pretty much the whole bill for the wedding. The only help we have been given is by a gift of my dress from my mom which was great and unexpected. My dad recently asked to handly photography so we are considering that atm. My grandmother also demanded to help us (She is one of those grandmas that shoves ten dollars in your hand whenever you see her and there is NO telling her NO if you know what I mean). So she sends us a little everyone month to help with some expenses. We are very greatful for any help but would not go and ask for it from anyone.

I think of it as a gifts. We budgeted to have our wedding on our own and any gifts on top are just nice gestures that are appreciated.

BTW totally agree about people thinking they have opinions when they feel they are paying for the wedding....This is the biggest reason why we have not asked for any help.

I posted something similar a while back. Here's the link.

https://www.weddingwire.com/community/UserContentView?area=3&cid=68d978f56a054e5b&page=1&action=showContent

In my situation, I decided not to say anything to my in-laws regarding money. I just involved FMIL in the planning process. And a few weeks ago, she stated that they would be paying for half of the wedding. I was so appreciative and so surprised!

I really appreciate all the feedback for sure; learning a lot about etiquette, being respectful and responsible. I like the idea of getting the in-laws involved so they can be a part of the process and see (if contributing financially) exactly what their money would go towards.

I would be pretty reluctant if my future daughter in-law came asking for money without me know anything about what's being planned. It does seem a bit greedy and cheap and I'm none of those things.

And I would be a fool not to heed your warnings about not having "cash-in-hand". I've already decided to plan the budget excluding contributions that have yet to be received. Really good stuff folks. Your honesty is truly appreciated.