7 years dating and no ring yet

I was with my ex for 9 years and he kept putting me off as well about getting married. We have a daughter together. I finally left him. 11 months later I met my now husband. We started dating Feb last year and he proposed to me Christmas eve. No prompting or arguing. We got married 15 days ago. I am so happy. I keep thinking what if I didn't have the courage to walk away from from that bullshit relationship. Leave now. I understand how you feel. I turned 37 on September 1st

It's really hard to give advice on something like this, because none of us know you or your situation. I mean if you've been together this long I can totally understand wanting an answer of some kind. But then there are some ppl who are just happy to be together without actually being married. I agree you should be able to talk to him without him getting mad/ defensive about the conversation. I mean does he get mad as soon as the word wedding or marriage come out of your mouth? Or is it a certain subject pertaining to a wedding or marriage that bothers him? I'm sorry you're going through this. Could you approach the conversation differently than you have before? There's only so much you can do! If he's not willing to talk with you about it, then you're going to have to decide if the relationship is worth it to you as it is or if no marriage is a deal breaker.

For all the people who seem confused about why a ring would be important - I don't know about the OP, but for me personally, I would like to have kids and want to do it within the bounds of a marriage. I'm 33, so time is ticking, biologically. Of course it's become societally more acceptable to have children outside of marriage, and divorce is always a possibility, but many people still want to have and raise children within a marriage. And statistically it's best for your child. (I'm a product of divorce and turned out more or less fine, so I'm perfectly aware that "not all

..". That doesn't mean that statistics are meaningless.)

Not trying to derail the conversation, just saying "Wait until he is ready, no matter how long! No pressure!" isn't really an option for everyone, at least not without potentially sacrificing other really big life things.

OP, your last sentence of your update comment is spot on. Stop setting walk dates (especially if you're not going to stick to it). It's a unhealthy and difficult way to live, and it doesn't accomplish anything. Why wait til your anniversary? You're prolonging your misery. Your situation is not okay. It's hard to leave, I know. But if you do, it's over. It has an end. You can mourn, then you can move on. But pushing back walk dates as each passes is just making it harder for you-- because then there is no end, no mourning and moving on. Why wait?

Hun, I was in your shoes. I have to say, if you have been dating that long and you gave him a "walk date" and he still hasn't proposed, he probably won't. If at 35 he still isn't sure if he wants to or isn't even thinking about it, you need to move on. If it's something you really want for yourself and your life, you shouldn't be wasting your time with someone who doesn't want what you want. I moved to Italy for my BF and I told him straight away that if he didn't propose by Dec 2017, I was leaving; and he finally proposed (I'm 37). He knew I was serious though because I was independent before I met him and he knows I don't "need" him (if that makes sense). If you do decide to walk, it'll be the hardest thing you ever do (I've been there too), but you deserve to have what you want. You could also talk to him and give him one more chance and another date but be serious about it and ready to leave if he doesn't. After all, payments can be made on rings so it's not like it needs to be paid in full up front. Good luck

My ex kept telling me he wanted to marry me and have kids, but he never actually made the move to do anything. This went on and off for about ten years and I never got a proposal. I found out he was married earlier this year. So he was right about wanting to be married, but just not to me. I'm so extremely happy with fh and I'm glad I made the right move at the right time. You should move on and let this go.

Thank you all for your comments and support. And all your kindness I really needed it. To answer some questions he’s the same age as me and we’ve lived together for year and a half. After reading so many different views I realized I’m past the point of being happy if he were to propose. Like some of you have said I would think the rest of my life I would have pushed him into it. And it probably will be true. Even though our whole relationship he said he wanted to get married he never followed through with anything. Yesterday he was home and he just wants to laugh and talk about bs and all I want to talk about is serious stuff like us and what’s going on. He gets silent and tries to change the subject. Or leaves the room. Or won’t answer a question I ask. We also haven’t had sex in a week so it’s really bad because we used to have sex every single day. We both have high sex drives.

I said I’m no longer being a gf after that anniversary and he was just silent. So I guess I got my answer. I wasn’t even sure if he even remembered it was our anniversary next week tbh. I think he’s in his own little world. I think he’s too wrapped up in his job. Later on I told him I’m not his gf anymore I’m single now. And he laughed and said you sure don’t act like someone single. I said how should I act? No answer. I meant it. I feel completely alone right now. He wants to laugh it up and be my friend like this is a joke. This is my life and our love. It’s not a joke to me. It was heartbreaking before and now I’m just getting really angry. I’m pissed today fuming mad.

Basically if I wanted this to be a nice anniversary I would have to plan it myself. To go to a restaurant I need to find and call one. Look up something myself and book something myself. He does everything last minute all the the time. No reservation. If he wants to go away he looks at flights so last minute so it’s too expensive to fly or book the hotel. Or all rooms are booked or there’s no seats together. I’m not sure if this is some sort of sabotage because he doesn’t really want to do anything or he’s just really that lazy? But it’s upset me a long time. It’s a personality trait that’s odd. I’ve never had a partner or seen anyone like that. Not a fam member or friend or anyone. He would do this often. He would suggest we go on a vacation then I would get excited and start planning it. But he would be indecisive about places. Then he would wait til last minute and then cancel and we would go nowhere and I would be really upset. His idea in the first place to go away.

But anyways I’m completely rambling in this comment. I’m not planning anything this time. And I didn’t on my bday and he didn’t plan anything like I suspected. Idc anymore. I read some comments above about women through similar situations that found love after relationships like this so it really gave me hope. It’s going to take a lot for me to get over him. It really is. A long long time.

I forgot to mention that his dads wife messaged me asking us to come to their big Xmas Party again this year. And we have gone every year. Last year when I walked in his aunt called me his wife in front of everyone and was like omg I’m sorry. It was embarassing. The room got quiet. I think she really did it on purpose she’s a smart lady like that lol. Maybe to push him but it hurt me. Then his other aunt was saying how they were hoping for a wedding his year what’s going on? So when we left, I cried the whole way home in the car about it. It was an awkward night. I said I wasn’t going next year if we weren’t engaged. So he suggests after his dads wife messaged me that we don’t go. I told him go by yourself. He said he won’t go without me. I’ve just had enough of this nonsense. I think it’s time to say goodbye now. I think I’ve gotten my answer here. He’s not proposing. It’s not going to happen.

OP please do not ever put a smile on your face when you are unhappy especially when it's with your boyfriend. I did that for so long and by the time I got out I was a changed person and not for the better. Please seek a counselor they work wonders and you can repair yourself and know your worth!! NEVER ever underestimate your worth to make someone else happy.

Hey @OP I helped my twin sister out of a 10 year relationship that was not working. To avoid drama she and I packed up her items from the apartment while he was at work. When he got home she had a talk (she had talked a bit prior and he didn't respond so this was how it became real) and left.

I think it's really important to get out of that apartment. If your name is on the lease try to see if they will remove your name. If you stay in the same place as him it'll be too easy to slide back into the relationship.

I know exactly how you feel. My fiancé and I were dating for 6 years and I didn't want to go over 6 years I gave him a walk date and it happened when I least expected it. But 7 years is wayy...too long I feel your hurt

@OP I think you're doing the best thing for yourself: seeking help from a professional, and making plans to move on. I agree with PP that a ring won't fix what's wrong here. Its time for you to make yourself a priority and take charge of your life. Best wishes.

OP I've read all the comments and your updates and let me tell you something....it's not going to take long at all to get over him because once you follow through with this step and get out from under this horrible heavy black cloud he has cast over your entire life, you will feel freer and happier than you have in years. Do it!! Get out and take your power and life back and make decisions for yourself!! In six months, as long as you can stay away from him and not get sucked back in (cause he will try, trust me), you will look back at yourself right now and wonder what on earth took you so long.

OP, this will be one of the most difficult things you will ever do, but you will find strength in yourself that you never thought possible. It's tough at first, especially being with someone for so long- but as many women on here have said there is light at the end of the tunnel!

Is there a friend you can stay with as you process this? Moving out can seem really daunting and "final" and staying with a friend is a nice half step.

I know people say “what’s more important, him or being married?” but you could ask him the same question. If he loves you and wants to be with you forever, why isn’t he willing to get married (since he knows you want that)? For the record, I don’t think ultimatums are always a bad thing, but they are bad if you don’t follow through with them.

Just wana say .. hugs! I was married twice and mentally and financially abused . You would think i would not marry again. My fh is different but i have trust issues and settling on a date had me upset ., i hope hes keeping his word for oct 2018. For first time i told a man i would leave if my feelings were overlooked and put on pause. For once i say how i feel knowing he could reject me and if he does it is going to be ok cause i will finally at age 51 have self respect. It feels scary and kind of odd standing up but i am getting good about it and respect and love my fh very much and a woman can still have grace but every right to want marriage and voice it . At any age child bearing age or not.,

@OP - I read your update. Have you had your therapist appointment yet?

Getting married should be the easiest big decision you make. I don't think you need to pressure someone or give ultimatums. They should want to do this, marriage is a partnership after all.

I hope you get out OP. I hope you find someone who cares and values your feelings not dismiss them.

How was your therapist appt?

We were together 8 1/2 years before he proposed in January of this year. I was in the same boat because I also turned 33 in January and was like wtf am I waiting for. It was a huge source of conflict for us. I even ended up talking about it in therapy because I was so stressed out. It didn't help that most people, including my therapist, told me to leave him.

I didn't, obviously and I'm happy I didn't. We talk about it now and he said he just wasn't ready before. I see marriages of people forced into them (men and women) and they're miserable. Part of me is still resentful it took him so long but it's better when both people want it. We are very happy and were happy before we were engaged.

I guess that's all I can say as advice. Ask yourself if you're happy in the relationship otherwise. I think that what made me stay was that we were blissfully happy in every other aspect so it made sense to give him the time he needed. If we would have gotten engaged a year ago, I don't think we would be as happy as we are now. We still have conflicts, of course, but we're good most of the time.

I'm sorry for your situation because it sucks, I've definitely been there. I almost even made a match.com profile because I was so sick of waiting. Men are assholes for doing this to us, btw. But just ask yourself are you happy in other areas of your relationship.

And I don't know how willing he would be to try it but maybe couples counseling. It could help both you guys to have a neutral party to help you feel like you can be totally honest in your feelings.

Hugs.

I've married people who were engaged at three months and couples who got engaged at 15 years.

An arbitrary amount of time is just that; an arbitrary amount of time.

But it seems like only one person here is focused on the future, and that is you.

You're letting him not make a move that is obviously important to you.

If you're okay with status quo? Then stay. If not? Realize that it probably will not change and leave.