*Update, page 2* Just need to vent, I was asked to stand in a wedding last night

with a toddler and a newborn.

She didn't really understand where I'm coming from but in my gut I feel like accepting wouldn't be the best decision. I'd still want to attend the wedding depending on finances and how I'm feeling, but I don't feel right promising to be there as a BM 10 months out when then I'd need to figure in costs for dress, flights, shoes etc. I'm going to have to just talk to her in a few days after she's calmed down a bit. While I get that it stings to have someone say no, I thought she'd appreciate the honestly up front vs. me not being able to pull it off at the end.

Vent over.

Go you for being honest. I hope your friend gets over it soon.

I'm hoping she's just freaking out a bit since it's a 10 month engagement and I do get that it can sting to have someone need to think about standing as a BM or declining all together. It'd be a big expense either way, but at least if we attend as guest vs. BM I can cut costs somewhere by wearing a dress I already have etc. If we go as guests we'd probably see if FSIL would be interested in coming with us (she likes to travel) and we'd pay for her room if she kept an eye on the kids for a little bit so we could attend the ceremony and part of the reception. I'm guessing that would still be cheaper than attending as a BM.

ETA: Normally she's very calm and rational, so I'm guessing the wedding stress is hitting hard and fast at this point.

It's good that you said something sooner rather than later! If your friend is normally a reasonable person, I'm sure she'll cool down with some time. I think it's totally understandable that you can't commit to something like that now! Congrats again on the new baby

Your reasoning is justified for sure, and you're being honest while giving her enough time to find someone else. You're being very fair in this situation. And you're probably right on target about it just being wedding stress.

Wow. You really are a saint. Her behavior is totally immature.

When planning my first wedding, I asked a close friend to stand with me as a BM and she politely declined. I admit that it stung at first, but I was never ugly about it. I'm sorry that she's behaving this way - I imagine that's got to make it harder on you. I hope she comes around!

I'd rather the BM who dropped tell me when i first asked instead of having me purchase her dress, hair and makeup, hotel room, etc.. in advance. it'll sting less in the long run.

Sorry you're having a hard time. Your honesty is refreshing. I had a girl I asked to be a BM say she couldn't because of financial reasons. We're still super close and that's because I respect the fact that she had the ovaries to say, "I love you but I cant because of x, y, and z."

You go girl. You're a good friend.

I'm not too upset with her, more annoyed than anything I guess. To me what I'm telling her makes perfect sense. I also know though that without actually having nursed or traveled with small children before you may not fully understand the challenges they can present. I'm sure she'll calm down in a few days. Like I said I feel pretty confident that she's just stressing herself out what with having a shorter engagement and still being on the high from the proposal. It can be hard when people don't seem as thrilled as you are. I think I'll try to skype her this weekend when FH is out so we can have some girl talk and smooth things out.

I personally think perhaps she hasn't had the realization that her wedding is NOT the most important thing to every person she knows. She, as a friend, is not taking your life/situation into account when asking you to be a bridesmaid. She's asking a lot from you outside of JUST being a bridesmaid. I'm not sure why she'd ask you knowing you have 2 young children and live across the county, tell you you can't bring them, and not offer a sitter, since its "so important" you be a bridesmaid. I'd tell her no, because you cannot give her the 100% commitment she wants/needs, and it wouldn't be fair to her or your family, but you'd be happy to support her as a guest or help in another way she may need. Personally, I have 2 friends who are having babies very close to my wedding. I am having a kid free wedding, however, if these guests come, I would completely expect them to bring their 1-2 month old infants! And if they chose to not come at all, I would completely understand.

I think your concerns are valid and she is being a bit selfish and not taking your well bring or your newborn's well being into consideration. I do understand she may be upset you may decline, she needs to realize it's not because you don't want to do it, but because you may not be able to. Hope this helps.

FH wanted to ask if we could bring the baby at least and just ask FSIL to keep an eye on MaKyla. I told him that I don't see pushing for an exception to that rule going well. To him he doesn't get why, since he planned on stepping outside if the baby fusses during the ceremony so as not to interrupt. Then he remembered that it's an outdoor wedding so there isn't really anywhere to wander off too, and that having certain kids but not others at his cousin's wedding ended up leading to hurt feelings and drama.

ETA: I'm fairly certain she'll calm down soon. Especially if she vents to her mom at all. Her mom is always great at gently pointing out when there may be an overreaction to things and always calms her down.

You did the right thing. She should have appreciated your upfront and honest viewpoint instead of saying 'yes' and backing out later when it's too much (and rightfully so). She will get over it, and if she doesn't, then let it roll off your back. Your family is your priority over the friendship.

Good for you for being honest and realistic from the start! I been missing everything since I have been off so congrats!!! And your daughter is going to love being a big sister!

You did the right thing by being honest. It sounds like it probably just wasn't the reaction she first expected and she probably freaked a little. Hopefully she'll get it together in the next couple days after she has a chance to think about the situation. I'd appreciate a friend that is honest and upfront instead of someone who bails in the last two months!

I get that. Sometimes I just need time to myself to step back and reevaluate the situation. Hopefully she cools down in the next few days.

I'd rather have a potential BM or GM be honest with me from the start and tell me that they can't do it.

DH's cousin decided to drop from the BP two months before the wedding. Actually his crazy GF was the one who texted me that he was dropping out. DH and I saw this cousin about two weeks before and he was saying how excited he was for the wedding. Then drops the hammer saying he's dropping out giving me the most ridiculous excuses.

I would have preferred an honest answer as to why he dropped out as opposed to the bullshit excuses I was told.

You're definitely doing the right thing. As a bride, I'd rather have a friend be upfront with me at the beginning so I could make other plans.

I'm having a kid-free wedding, but I've made an exception for a good friend who will have a 1 month old baby at that point. You might want to feel her out and see what she thinks. To me, having a nursing baby at the wedding is completely different from having kids at the wedding.

@ Heidi I totally agree. I hardly think a 2 month old nursing baby would ruin the "no child" wedding. My MOH, bless her. agreed to be my MOH, she JUST gave birth last week and will be 2 months post par-tum at the wedding. The wedding is in CA, she lives in MD. She is insisting on leaving the baby with her husband and leaving him at home too. I don't know how this is going to work out, BUT I am supporting whatever choice she makes, because her health and the baby are the important things here. I would almost have rather her say, I have to think about it, or I don't know. I don't want her to put anything in jeopardy to attend my wedding. So I agree with everything you said JakLyn

Also I had a FMIL crazy moment come up last night and I couldn't help but think of you. Keep taking good care of that baby. The crazy will fall where it will.