Technically eloping? but will have a wedding/proposal/engagement later?!

Depends. In some ceremonies yes, in others no. It sounds like you know what you want to do and don't actually want advice. Did you need a question answered? I don't see one in your OP.

Do what you want but make sure your honest with your family. They will found out, better you tell them now then them finding out on their own.

If he's afraid of telling his family, he shouldn't be getting married. I sure as hell wouldn't be marrying DF if he was embarrassed or afraid to tell his family about me. So many red flags here.

And yes, saying your *actual* wedding isn't your "real" wedding is saying that people who choose a courthouse wedding are having "fake" weddings. So much wrong here.

I highly recommend counseling, for you as an individual, to figure out why you would accept being someone's secret spouse.

Ew. I feel slimy even writing that: secret spouse. Gross.

I hope everything works out for you, but you should pay attention to your instincts. I always think if someone is afraid to tell their family that they are getting married, they should NOT be getting married.

Why are you afraid to tell your family? When I got engaged I wanted to shout it from the rooftops.

Where I'm from it's part of the ceremony. I had never heard of people getting married before getting married because this is part of the ceremony here, also we have banns in some places.

MNA his family knows we are together. We moved 6,000 miles away and live together, have a life together, own property, run a small company together, have a dog, etc. There is no hiding me. Like I said we are practically married but not on paper. I'm having is that I'm eloping out of the blue to keep my family together is giving me stress because when I pictured to get married I wanted to be engaged and all the fun stuff but in order to keep my family and life I have to rush everything and he doesn't want to rush his family for a wedding.

He kind of will. Don't you think it will hurt his parents feelings to not know?

There is a problem if he doesnt feel comfortable telling his family about major life event such as marriage.

... he isn't rushing his family- he's rushing you for convenience.

You either want to be married or not. I realize there is a certain matter of convenience factor here- but the reality is- he doesn't want to tell his family- that's a GIANT red flag.

Secondly "real wedding" absolutely makes it sound like a courthouse is a fake one. which is a bit insulting to people who chose to do that and have beautiful ceremonies that are simple and not big productions- they are just as real as a 200,000K production.

Well life gives you hard choices sometimes. Plenty of couples have to get married in a rush because of insurance, immigration, deployment, pregnancy (not so much anymore), and imminent deaths of beloved family members. They have to make a personal choice about whether those considerations outweigh their wish for a traditional wedding, as do you. To be clear, you can have whatever celebration you want afterwards. Everyone is just saying that lying about your marriage to your families will probably cause more hurt in the end then just explaining why you have to do it this way. If your partner thinks that hiding your status is the best way to go, I think the fact that you could relocate with him to this country will tip people off. Is he going to lie if someone asks him directly whether your visa will be delayed or what process you are going through? Is he aware that wedding licenses are public records? These are the kind of things that make it really not worth the complication of lying about your marital status, aside from the fact that lying to family is usually pretty hurtful and can impact how people regard you as a couple. You guys have a choice to make about how you want to proceed. It's one only you two can make. Everyone has contributed lots of suggestions as to how you can do this without lying. It's up to you to do the analysis.

Yes. But we think it will hurt their feelings more if we told them we are getting married in 2 weeks as they cannot make it nor be part of it due to distance. Hence why he wants to keep it a secret til we move and then announce an "engagement" to a wedding and plan it in their country. So we can still have the experience that we couldn't really get now due to clock crunch. I guess I just want to know about people,experiences who had a later wedding/ceremony rather than have it on the same day.

The fact that he doesn't want to tell his family is a huge, huge red flag. He's only willing to marry you if you keep it secret and pretend you're not married for everyone except a foreign government? That's just... Eww. It's an awful thing to start your marriage out with a lie.

What are you going to say if your families ask about how you're going to Switzerland? Visa requirements are kind of easy to find. ETA: if it's his family you're concerned about, go to the UK and get married there. Or get married in the US and live stream it. You can still have a big vow renewal later without your marriage being a dirty secret

There is nothing wrong with getting married now and having a vow renewal later on. Just tell your family and i'm sure if you are happy and have nothing to be ashamed about then they will be happy for you as well. I had a small courthouse wedding july 1, 2016 my employer changed my benefits and because we got married before the change my step son now is grandfathered in and will receive free college education like my biological son! We had already put deposits and planned for July 1, 2017 so we are now having a vow renewal and the whole big "wedding" day feel. Everyone was happy for us and no one was lied to and guess what they are JUST as excited to celebrate with us this July!

Op- this is messy messy messy! So your "partner" doesn't want to tell his family? I need you to think of what that means.

Thank you AlwaysMs. Your responses have been very insightful. I am still on the fence. In a way I do like the idea that this elopment is more personal that it's just mine and his. But I do think that people are right and that he shouldn't lie to them. Of course if so say this he will say that he isn't he just isn't going to mention it until they ask. Not sure if that makes it better. I think he just wants his mother to go through the typical wedding stuff to make her happy. So not too sure how we are going to do that yet.

But you don't get the typical wedding stuff if you elope. You don't get the bridal shower or bachelorette. You don't get to register. And with as little time as your eloping in you won't get the traditional dress buying experience.

Not to say elopements aren't lovely, but you don't get to have it all.

Yeah, he's exhibiting red flag behavior, and you're rugsweeping. I'm willing to bet this isn't the first time, either, for this type of dynamic in the relationship.

I stand by what I said about you getting therapy. Why you feel it's okay for your marriage to be kept from his family, or even accept him WANTING to for that matter, is a HUGE indicator of an extremely unhealthy relationship/situation.

Just tell them that you are having a big do-dah later they can attend. I find the amount of fakery and acting involved in this whole scenario really off putting. You can't please everyone, and yes an elopement may upset some folks. Adults make the choice that works best and own the consequences. I very much want an elopement but I do care about my mom's reaction, so I am planning a trip in spring to ask her how she feels about it. If it would seriously upset her, then I will take that into consuderation. Why not ask his family what their feelings would be? They might surprise you by being fine with having a big party later with no fake engagement or pretending.

It is messy! i wish there was a visa for partners where you dont have to be married and I would never be in this mess. Unfortunately countries don't recognize this.