Technically eloping? but will have a wedding/proposal/engagement later?!

Won't it feel strange going through a proposal and marriage knowing you're already married? It seems like that would be hard to fake. I would at least be honest with your/his family and your friends no matter what you decide.

There are so many red flags here. Either you care about your relationships with our family or you dont. If you do, you wouldn't lie to them. Either you are ready to be married or not, if you are the proposal and other stuff would not hold you back. Is this about love or just timing?

No one in here has shared a similar experience that went well. Everyone is giving you the same advice of, don't lie about your marriage. That should tell you something.

I am bother by your future husband's view that lies of omission aren't lies. So, if he has an affair or a gambling problem or got fired or any other major Bad Thing, as long as he doesn't tell you then he isn't being deceitful? That's obviously weak logic and doesn't work. Lies of omission are lies. If his family finds out, I think the fact he didn't tell them will be MORE upsetting to them then if he just explained what your plans are and why. He is just avoiding conflict, which would worry me. It's not a good way to handle things. Perhaps you guys should book a session with a couples counselor before you make this decision? A third party can help tease out the underlying attitudes and issues that seem to be springing up and will help you find a solution that you both feel comfortable with.

StarFromHJ I don't want an bridal shower or a bachelorette party! I see no need for one for me personally.

MNA. I still don't understand. can u explain the red flag if he honestly thinks it's going to prevent his mother from getting hurt. Is he wrong? Yes but he isn't doing it to hide me or our marriage but to prevent her feeling from being hurt by not being in the entire process of his engagement/wedding. That's the main reason.

@World Traveler - You can have your own work visa within a country and get married later. I know several people who have done this. You have to apply on your own and have your own job. You don't need your fiance to get a work visa.

If his mom would be upset at missing it think of how upset she'd be at being lied to for a year. TELL YOUR FAMILY.

Just a thought here. You get to live together where you are for the next six months, right? If he's ready to marry you, he could propose and you could plan all the big wedding things in that time. If six months is too short to plan, live apart for a couple months after that until you get married. There are plenty of military families that survive being separated for months or even years. It's not ideal, but it's way, way better than lying to your families and faking everything

6 months is definitely long enough to plan and for immediate family to plan travel. If you don't want a shower or a bachelorette then what wedding things are you/Mother in law afraid of missing?

I'm pretty sure my mom would be briefly upset if I eloped but I know she would be really, really hurt if I got married and didn't share that with her and actively lied and covered it up by pretending to have a proposal and engagement and "wedding". It would absolutely effect our relationship negatively and I know she would have a lot of negative feelings towards my partner as well. I'm not sure she could ever feel like she could trust us again if we went to such great lengths to be deceitful. Pretty sure she would call me gift grabby somewhere along the line, and would be suspicious that it was all to ensure a boatload of presents. When you lie to people they will question your whole character, even things they have known about you forever. Jessie has a great idea: get your own job and work visa! Much better situation for so many reasons.

@OP, what MNA means is that were this a healthy relationship, he would be claiming you as his wife to his family, regardless of the wedding type and reason.

From what you've said, he's not even going to claim you as his *fiancee* until he is ready to "propose" and " have an engagement." He said he wants to marry you, but won't claim you as his wife for whatever reason until he wants to, some time after you've actually been married.

I'd be offended, if I were in your position. If my FH said he wanted to marry me and we had plans to wed, for whatever reason, and he wouldn't even refer to me as his wife to his family or anyone else after said wedding, I would feel completely and utterly disrespected.

I think she'll be much more hurt when she finds out you're already married and didn't tell her.

JessieJV & MrsSkiToBe. Those are actually really great alternatives! And would,make me feel much better than going with hiding from his family. I will bring it up to him and see what happens that way I don't have to rush this either! Thank you so much <3

@world traveler, thank you so much for actually listening to all the alternatives that people offer and not just commenting "you all are so rud! I'm not listening to a thing you say"

You have no idea how rare that can be here

And I'm on team 6 month engagement!

If you lie to your families, they will eventually find out and be even more hurt than anything. I highly suggest was pp have said with a 6 month engagement and plan for something simple. People can make plans for travel 6 months out, just let them know asap. This allows you to get married before you leave and gives you the whole "engagement" and "planning" experience. As long as you tell your families that you want to marry each other but due to visas you must move up your timeline they should understand.

Copied from the Cousin thread:

What you are wanting to do s lying to people. This happened with a sham "wedding" I was invited to. Spent a lot of money, bought a nice gift only to find out that the couple married months before. A large portion of the guests left with their gifts, and we all went out to a nice dinner. I have cut ties with that couple, and they were family. So have a lot of other people and the couple is still the topic of holiday gossip. I think a lot of people are missing the point here. There is absolutely nothing wrong with getting married then having a party. The problem comes when you lie to people about what they are attending. One family member that attended the fake wedding spent about $3,000 on travel, hotels and gifts. They didn't really have that money to spend, but it was the wedding of a family member, they felt they had to go. That is where telling the truth to people comes in. Would they spent that money to go to a vow renewal or celebration party? Probably not, they were expecting a baby and saving. I think hiding a marriage is one of the most selfish, classless thing people can do. If everyone is so hell bent on believing that no one will care if they were legally wed before playing dress up, why do so many hide it?

Lying to people about one of the most important events in their life just to play dress up later is not a good idea.

Another shout out to World Traveler for being open to other options and exploring them! Please come back and let us know what you guys decide, and if it is a relatively short engagement this is a GREAT place to get a lot of help making sure everything goes well on the big day. The planning tools up on the top toolbar are also helpful, as is the "Vendors" section.

I would just talk to them. I considered doing this for tax purposes and talked to my family who is paying for the wedding. They had no desire to watch me sign paperwork and were still excited for the vows, ring exchange and reception. We were not going to do any of that during the paperwork. We have a friend who is an officiant and it was going to be paperwork only. Vows are not required by law.

@EW - That's not technically true. You have to state your intent to marry in front of an officiant. You cannot just sign papers and be married, there is a verbal part of the ceremony that has to be enacted to be legal.

Great ideas from @JessieJV & @MrsSkiToBe!

I know a few couples who got legally married before their wedding celebration because of visas, but they didn't keep it a secret from their families. As your family member or friend, if you told me you were both moving to Switzerland - one of my first questions would be how that works with your visa and the country's requirements, just out of curiosity!

I definitely feel like with these extenuating circumstances your families should understand, but it could also make things easier if you had plans for a wedding celebration later that you could tell them about, so they know they'll still be a part of everything!

If I was in your situation OP, I know my mother would be disappointed if we needed to elope and she was unable to attend. However, she would be furious with me if I eloped and did not tell her. How do I know this? Because that is what my sister did. Sometimes couples need to marry quickly, there is no shame in that. And eloping doesn't mean you cannot have a large celebration to renew your vows at a later date. But PPs are right, you should be honest with all your guests. Especially your immediate families!!