Technically eloping? but will have a wedding/proposal/engagement later?!

MelissaErin, we feel like if we tell people that we got married before our big wedding, it will make them feel like our big ceremony is not "real." I told my aunt that we were considering it and she was shocked and told me no one would show up next year because it's not a real wedding. Totally doesn't make sense to me. She said it wouldn't be as special. Maybe that's just her opinion but I don't want to risk missing out on friends and family coming to my wedding because they don't take it seriously.

But your "big ceremony" isn't real; you will have already had your wedding.

@Cassandra7 So what you're telling me is that I should change my plans to appease you and your definition of "real" weddings? I don't think so. My FH and I are very much in love and happy and if we want to have a wedding next year and not inform our family of our previous nuptials we will do so without your approval.

@Kylee your "real" ceremony is the one where you get married in 17 days. Weird that you're lying to your entire family about your wedding.

This is like, a broader problem with the world right now, but there are not multiple definitions of facts, truth or what is real. When you sign a legal document to get married, you are REALLY married that day. There is no other definition of that.

Also your aunt's shocked reaction is a pretty good warm up to how the rest of your family will feel when they find out you've been lying to them.

Honestly, if people get angry with me for not telling them about my private wedding with only close family and friends, they clearly aren't that great. It's MY marriage and MY choice, not theirs. I wouldn't be angry if my cousin or aunt or nephew didn't tell me they eloped. Why should I? If they made the decision, they clearly have their own reasons for keeping it private so who am I to be angry with them? If my family or friends think otherwise then they clearly don't deserve to take part in my big wedding.

Why do you think your aunt will not tell people? That would be news everyone in my family had well before the vow renewal if I told anyone. Cat's already out of the bag.

@Kylee, so for your anniversary will you be using your actual wedding date or the date of your renewal? Sometimes people in your family may send you an anniversary card, my aunt and grandma are this way! It may be confusing for them.

I understand this is a difficult situation, but it's going to require a really big lie. You have to announce an engagement already being married, go through the whole process and the family preparing and asking if you're excited and grandma passing on heirlooms or whatever your families do - all knowing that you've got a huge secret they would be really hurt to learn. All the heartfelt toasts, the spotlight dances, mom lacing up your dress - and the whole time you've got this guilty feeling and can't stop wondering how upset they would be if they knew the truth.

I don't know - I couldn't do it. If I have to hurt people, I'd rather do it honestly.

@ Gretchen- I have a few friends that did this and they all celebrate on their "renewal" date. That was the day they really felt married and exchanged promises and rings. They did the bare minimum in the civil ceremony. There were no heartfelt vows.

ETA- I really don't agree with keeping it a secret. The friends who I know who had the civil ceremony in private and then another in front of everyone didn't keep it a secret and everyone still went to the wedding and offered well wishes. It didn't bother me at all. At least I got to make that decision though, which is why I talked to my family about my plans before making a decision.

People's strong opinions about this are so odd to me. I've officiated several "vow renewals" where the couple was already legally married, but then had their ceremony in the church with invited guests, and a large reception. These celebrations were no less special or sacred on my side as the officiant, and each person had their own reason for doing so.

The anger over money spent to attend a "Fake" wedding is weird. I like going and being with friends and family and celebrating. Seeing vows shared, love expressed, dancing with family and friends that's the wedding ceremony and reception. Whether that person has already had a private legal ceremony is of no concern to me and doesn't change that dynamic on my end as a guest. The mass anger over this is so perplexing.

@Kylee if the thought of your family getting angry when they find out that you lied to them about being legally married makes them "not so great people" then why didn't you use that same logic on your aunt when she suggested that these same people wouldn't show up to your vow renewal because it's not a "real" wedding? That would also make them "not so great people". If they can't be bothered to to show up to your vow renewal, then they just don't deserve to take part in your "big day". That's your logic, not mine. You don't get to pick and choose how it applys to you.

We just found out my step sister lied to my stepmom and my dad about being married for THREE MONTHS. It tore my mom up. DON'T LIE.

Unpopular opinion: I'm not on-board with the whole "red flag" talk about the FH because he doesn't want to tell his family. People get married for them, not the family. Half my family doesn't know I'm getting married. It doesn't mean I love my Fi any less. It just means I choose not to put up with bigotry so that part of my family will be out of my life except on the occasional phone call where I answer the phone or something. There are all kinds of reasons people choose not to tell their families they got married. Granted, in this case, I do think FH should tell the family, but all this talk about it being a red flag based on the little we know just doesn't register with me.

That said, OP, if you sign that piece of paper, that is your wedding. Anything after that becomes a vow renewal. It's wrong to lie to guests and make them think you're not married when inviting them to a "wedding."

ETA: @Kylee the fact that you said "Maybe that's just her opinion but I don't want to risk missing out on friends and family coming to my wedding because they don't take it seriously" implies that you think it's okay to lie to your family as long as you get what you want -- their attendance. That doesn't sound the least bit controlling to you? Sounds to me like "If I tell them, they won't come. So I just won't tell them so ***I*** don't miss out on them coming."

@Kylee your comments make you seem very immature. The whole it's my way I don't care what you think idea is childish.

My fiancé is in the Navy and we have discussed that if certain situations arise we would get married before our planned day. But that being said everyone would know we were married. I'll proudly be wearing a wedding band and so shall he.

Plus anyone with half a brain that's an adult will be able to figure out you cant move with him nor can you live on the base unless you're married so people are going to find out and then it will be their decision whether or not they come to what you deem your "real wedding".

People here are not wrong there will be backlash but obviously you don't care so good luck!

@Elizabeth, I do agree that there are situations in which it would understandable and appropriate for someone to not include in parents in major life events (i.e., toxic relationship). However, in this situation he seems to have a positive relationship with his parents and is saying that he doesnt want his mom to "miss out" on traditional wedding stuff. That seems like a really immature reason to not tell his family.

It's really up to you on how you want to treat it. My FI and I are signing papers soon and we will have our big one later on (prob after a year or two) but we told our parents. He promised me a proposal and I know he will once he can afford it. So legally technically you're already married, but it's up to you as how u want to treat it as