Tacky or not tacky??

@Jacky: I think you should have read my first post a little better. I delineated what was and wasn't proper etiquette for her Vow Renewal. She threw a fit later because I said a bridal party was inappropriate, which it is. If you're going to chastise/defend people, make sure you read what was written carefully. She specifically said, "...who's it gonna hurt if I have bridesmaids?"

We're in the mafia! Wow, I didn't even see the saint card, prick my finger, or take the vow! I better not be asked to do the wet work, 'cause I'm not going to do it. Now what was Heather's problem -- I remember the avatar, but not the issue.

OP, you can do whatever you want. You can have your renewal while wearing hip waders and a trench coat if that happens to be your dream. You can even call it a wedding if you want to (it isn't, and it never will be, regardless of how many yards of tulle you incorporate). The title of your thread is "Tacky or Not Tacky"; clearly there are some ladies who believe certain elements of your vow renewal are tacky (primary of which is calling it a wedding. That's not just tacky -- it's also untrue). If you didn't want to hear that, you should have subtitled your thread, "I'm only looking for responses that tell me that what I want to do isn't tacky." You didn't, so, all is fair.

I'll be very honest; I don't oppose wedding celebrations that happen weeks or months after an actual wedding. I don't oppose the vow renewal ceremonies married women have. I'm a professional who caters to events, and whatever your event is, if you are polite and your check clears, you'll get gorgeous flowers from me, not judgment. That being said, on a purely personal level (and as a potential guest), I don't particularly understand them, and I'd be hard pressed to joyfully attend one. I would never do one myself; it would feel odd to me, and I really don't understand holding onto the dream of another wedding-like event when the legally binding one has already happened. Perhaps I come from a time in which a couple had one wedding celebration -- whether it was expensive and wonderful, expensive and a disaster, inexpensive and wonderful, inexpensive and a disaster, or something that happened in a judge's chambers with two witnesses. There is such pressure placed on women -- by the wedding industry -- to have this magnificent affair in which everything is as it is in the bride's wedding dreams. No wedding photos? That kind of falls under first world problems, but I get it -- we live in the first world.

When I began to see, on this forum, the occasional bride coming back just weeks after her wedding and posting threads saying she wanted a wedding do-over, or she was already planning the first anniversary vow renewal because their weddings failed to come close to their unrealistic expectations, I concluded that the wedding fairytale had gone off the rails.

But, times change, and apparently this dream of a big, white wedding is deeply ingrained in the hearts of many women, so, have at it. The purpose of the comments on this thread, and others like it, are to remind you that there are literally untold thousands of couples who stood proudly on the steps of a courthouse, en masse, legally married in almost a conveyor belt approach, and they were beaming because they had the type of legal wedding ceremony you seem to consider a consolation prize. That's hurtful, and not only to same-sex couples, but to the countless other couples who decided that their wedding was going to look just like your wedding did.

Secondly, we want to steer you away from making mistakes that will have your guests questioning your choices. Plenty of women on this forum have been to the do-overs, and almost without exception, they say the more "wedding-y" the renewals are, the weirder they feel. That's why people are telling you to tone it way down. Secondly, you're going to be spending a lot of money to host this event, and you may be surprised at how many guests actually make the effort to attend a three year vow renewal, even if they claimed to be on-board in the planning stages.

There was one renewal bride, one of my favorite posters on this forum, who had her ten year renewal several years ago. She had a very small wedding, and the choice to go that route was completely responsible in light of her personal situation. She planned a gorgeous ballroom affair in northern NJ to be held on their tenth anniversary. Granted, she went light on the wedding trappings -- no white gown, no veil, and no honor attendants; however, she hosted a top notch event that began with a brief, but moving ceremony and finished with a top shelf, open bar, a plated meal, a DJ, specialty lighting, and one hell of a party. When she was planning the event, about 80 people said they were excited to attend. On the day of her renewal, 44 people showed up. That CAN happen. She still had a wonderful time, but I'm sure there was a level of disappointment that almost half of her guests just didn't view this event as something that was as special to her as her wedding.

Nobody here is malicious for the sake of being malacious -- neither are they your best friends or family members. The people in this community have no investment in your wedding or your renewal, and we all know you are going to do exactly what you want anyway (however, if you try to shut them down because you don't like their answers to your questions, they're going to get snarky or perhaps a little more direct).

In the end, all they want is for you is to have a dignified, sophisticated, well-attended event that you approach with reasonable expectations. That's all that can be offered to you on a wedding forum.

Jacky, Stacy wrote, "I have never had a wedding and really want one." She then goes on to explain what she wants her wedding to look like. So yes, she is definitely referring to this event as her wedding (despite the other references to a vow renewal). There are several other places in which she refers to it as a wedding, but the point has been made.

I say do whatever you want to do. I totally get where you are coming from. I didn't have a wedding with my ex-husband we got married in front of a judge at the court house and I agree with you that is not a wedding period. This time I am having a nice wedding with everything I always wanted and yes it's my 2nd marriage but his first and both of our first wedding.

I say don't let anyone tell you that you can't do something you want to wear a wedding gown and have a 5 tier cake and have a first dance whatever you do it....it's not about anyone other than the 2 of you!!! I wish you the best.

I was gonna comment with help for Stacy until I saw she only wants rainbows and butterflies supporting her every idea...

@Abbey: Please, explain to me how that would work for OP? How can she have a "first dance" with her husband, unless in the 3 years they've been married, they've never once danced together?

A second wedding is different. You are *actually* a bride and *actually* getting married. Op had her wedding though. It just wasn't good enough for her.

Abbey to Be: This is Merriam-Webster's definition of a wedding (take note): "A ceremony at which two people are married to each other."

Now let's take that definition and insert it into this sentence you wrote in your last post: "I didn't have a ceremony at which two people are married to each other with my ex-husband -- we got married in front of a judge at the court house." Do you realize how absolutely nonsensical your statement is? That would have my seven year old grandson scratching his head in bewilderment and saying, "Huh?" You cannot have an ex-husband unless he was first your husband, and if you didn't have a wedding, then he was never your husband; therefore, he cannot be your ex-husband. However, he IS your ex-husband because the two of you had a wedding.

Why do certain women, especially those who feel they missed the Tulle Train, disparage court house weddings to the point in which they are claiming those events do not constitute an actual wedding. You cannot change the English language, and you can't void a marriage license without a divorce -- and without a wedding, there can be no divorce.

Would you tell the Zulu bride that she didn't have a wedding because she wore brightly colored beads and a colorful head dress at her wedding instead of rhinestones and a white veil? Would you tell her that she didn't have a wedding because the father of the bride received a certain amount of cattle from the groom's family instead of a Rehearsal Dinner? Would you tell that bride that she didn't really have a wedding because she wore bags of pebbles around her ankles on her wedding day instead of Jimmy Choo wedding shoes? There are many forms of weddings, and a civil, courthouse wedding is just as valid as a religious or venue wedding with all the frills.

Again, everyone is free to do what they want -- with one exception. You cannot, while maintaining an ounce of credibility, decide to rewrite the definition of "wedding". Have your vow renewals, but seriously, stop pretending that they are weddings and conversely, stop pretending that court house weddings are not weddings.

@mna: I did read your post. There's nothing wrong with having attendants to stand up at your vow renewal in sentimental support of you as a couple. As long as she doesn’t expect them to throw her a bridal or bachelorette party, it's fine.

@Centerpiece: with her saying "I have never had a wedding and really want one" doesn't necessarily mean that she wants to throw a full blown wedding. That's usually the reason for people wanting to do a vow renewal in the first place, because they didn't have a big wedding like they wanted to. Saying she has not had a wedding doesn’t indicate that she’s going to actually call it a wedding. She then makes her point, “I’m not saying it would not be done as a vow renewal. It absolutely would be.” It sounds like she won't lie to her guests, which is a big thing that matters.

To answer the question in the OP: No, wanting to wear a white dress isn’t tacky (you are celebrating your marriage), but I would keep it a simple dress. A bouquet is common in renewals. A cake (or any dessert) should be served at any type of celebration party. You can have attendants if if its sentimental to you, but keep that simple, too. You can have a dance, but don't call it your first dance. A bouquet and garter toss would be tacky, though. You shouldn't do any pre wedding or bridal parties.

Of course you can do whatever you want, but many people will find it tacky and not go.

Let's clear up all the butthurt here, shall we? If you want to get cranky and insist it's perfectly fine, read this from the Emily Post Institute, which ALSO states that bridal parties, ushers, etc. are NOT appropriate for vow renewals.

Huh. Look at that. Amazing. Even Emily Post says it's tacky.

http://emilypost.com/2013/07/11476/

Jacky -- she said she never had a wedding, and now she wants one, and can afford one. The event she is planning, according to her, is going to be the wedding she never had. Those are her words -- not an inference on my part. I never addressed the issue of potentially lying to her guests -- I have no idea how she plans to word her invitations (although I firmly believe there she will ultimately be disappointed by the actual turn-out, but, I could be wrong). Of course she's not going to stand there and exchange first time vows (that would be too ridiculous), so when she says it will be handled like a vow renewal, I assume that's what she's referring to.

You also wrote, "Centerpiece...with her saying 'I have never had a wedding and really want one' doesn't necessarily mean that she wants to throw a full blown wedding." And, it doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't. Actually, I think it's crystal clear that this is exactly what she's envisioning -- a full blown wedding; and, as far as "full blown weddings are concerned", the pre-parties are not required -- even if it is a first wedding, so skipping them is a moot point (besides...it would be beyond rude for a married woman to expect any of these events to be held in her honor). The elements she wants to incorporate on the day of the event include a photographer, a bridal party, a processional, a vow exchange (it stands to reason there will also be an officiant), a bouquet, a big cake, a wedding dress, and a hosted reception (and I'd bet the ranch that there will be a first dance, spotlight dances, speeches, etc.). These are the very same elements that most of the brides on this forum are featuring at their weddings. So, with the exception of switching up the vows, it all sounds pretty full blown to me.

Again, I don't care who has what celebration and when. I don't care if you wear Maggie Sotero or a prom gown from Forever 21. The issue that sticks with me is the hurtful and disingenuous implication that unless a wedding looks like something that can be seen on Four Weddings, it can be classified, at will, as something that is less than a wedding. Why is it so difficult to just call it what it is?

And with that, I'm out.

I think you should do what makes your heart happy. Life is too short. Call it a vow renewal, celebration of marriage, whatever. Let guests know there's no need for gifts... If someone thinks it's tacky and doesn't show up, consider it their loss, not yours.. I just threw a 50 year vow renewal for my parents, and it was beautiful. My mom decided on a simple blue dress but if she had wanted a gown I would've bought it for her. We didn't do attendants simply because we have too big of a family and I wanted it to be all about my parents. I bought her a bouquet and we had catered food and LOTS of cake.

50 years is not the same thing as 3 years.

I would do it all if it were me. I've seen lots of people do vow renewals where they go all out. Do whatever makes you happy!

No doubt and I Never said it was. I was simply sharing what I did for a vow renewal... I stated she should just do what makes her happy.

I don't think it's tacky at all. I say have the wedding you want. It's about celebrating the love you have with your husband in your way. My FH and I are paying for our wedding so I def get having to wait to be able to do it. It's crazy expensive. I think if you had a big wedding before and now are doing a renewal it would be a little different but I'd treat this like the dream wedding you always wanted and can now have and say screw off to anyone whose negative!

I don't think its tacky. You do whatever you want! I think it is perfectly fine to wear a wedding dress--I'd pass on a huge ballgown though. You should have cake if you want it and a beautiful bouquet.

I wouldn't do a shower, bachelorette party, etc.

I think you will be fine with a 5 year vow renewal, as you said you would do. Agree with others in that you shouldn't have a shower or bachelorette. Although you could do a party similar to a bachelorette in that you get your girlfriends together to have a night out. But I would try to avoid the label of "bachelorette".

The best part of a ceremony/reception is getting all of your closest friends and family together in one place. You will still get that by having a vow renewal. Avoid the bouquet toss, garter, etc. Keep it simple.

As long as you call it a vow renewal and treat it like one, it would be fine. I see no reason why you couldn’t have a bridal gown and cake. I do think some of the traditions such as the bouquet toss would be weird. I would also wait until at least the five year anniversary because these things are more well received by your guests if it’s a bigger anniversary. Ten would be better, but I understand that you might not want to wait that long. Just realize that you did have a wedding. This won’t be your wedding. It will be a vow renewal. Your guests will view it differently than they would a wedding, and that’s okay.

Have whatever you want -- except shower and bachelorette party. I've officiated vow renewals where the wife wore a white gown or dress.

We had a cake for our 20th anniv. vow renewal, but it wasn't a tiered wedding cake. The MOH & BM from our wedding stood up with us. We had about 25 guests instead of the 125 at our wedding.