Tacky or not tacky??

I helped my grandfather plan a 30th wedding vow renewal surprise for my grandmother. They did at their home, about 30 people or so showed. She wore black lace, carried long stemmed gold dipped roses my grandfather had bought for her. There was a cake, party platters and fun had by all. I'm can't remember if there was an officiant or not, this was in 1999. I think vow renewals are meant to be more about physically acknowledging the deep intimate love that has grown between the two since the first "I Do", than about being showy. Just my opinion though...

On the same token, I did exactly what you did once.. I eloped to the courthouse. We always said we'd renew our vows at our 5 year, since none of our family got to witness the event and there was some pretty hurt feelings about that. But, when the time came to start planning, I honestly couldn't see spending the money on it with kids, bills, etc...

Now, if I was ever to do a vow renewal... I'd probably pic somewhere sentimental to us, the beach, etc... wear a toned down version of my original dress, or a simple, elegant in the white family type dress. I might even do a vow renewal destination type thing, and make a second honeymoon out of it. If I invited anyone it would only be my nearest and dearest, we're talking less than 20. It's an intimate, private affair.. for me, anyway. I'd carry a very small, probably real bouquet. No veil. Not sure I'd re-do my ring with an anniversary one either. Definitely pictures. Memories are everything in a family. One day you won't be here any longer. And we'd either have a very casual party at home or in a private dining room in a restaurant, or just go out to eat.

My point? Vow renewals mean something different to all of us, how we would do them is as different as how we look, our names, and even the very wedding we are planning right now. But, regardless it should be about you TWO, what you've built together, seen together... not some checklist you missed the first time.

Man, I feel bad for OP Stacy...

It must feel sad to not be as classy as Lauren.

@Special - are you Future Mrs. Wade using a new name and avatar

Op, you can stomp your feet all you want but what you're reading here is going to reflect the reactions of your loved ones. My vot is that anything that screams bride, like bridesmaids, bridal shower, bachelorette is going to look like you're playing pretend. You can call me mean for saying it, but that's my observation.

I think it's totally fine and you can have all the specifics of a wedding, as long as you call it a vow-renewal/celebration of love and guests know you're already married.

Have the white dress and the cake! At the end of the day, people will criticize something. May as well do something you want to do and let them criticize than do something you don't and have them criticize you anyways.

Ro, Ro, Ro your boat...

Ahhh...now it's all coming into focus. In the world according to Ro, vendors gouge....It's mean-spirited to talk about cheap, tacky hosts who serve warm potato salad and have their guests do the wedding work the cheap hosts refused to pay for...and I won't even repeat the non-wedding comment she made about the way in which to deal with a new mother who may have PPD. Methinks somebody (who could be a noun or verb depending on a "w") is having some trouble paying for professional services.

You know, I'd like to tell you where to row your boat, but that would be strike worthy. Meanwhile, it's absolutely fine, it seems, for you, Ro, to label vendors swindlers and cheats (which is what gougers are), and that goes without notice. No strikes coming your way for that insult. Those gougers are the paying advertisers who keep this forum a free place for you to post your words of wisdom.

You can do whatever you want to do

Ok I have some things to clarify. I see a lot of assumptions going on here. First let me say that none of you truly know what my husband and I want our VOW RENEWAL to be. I am a person that ALWAYS asks "why"? So even if I hear what you say, I will probably ask you "why" is it that way or "why" you feel that way. I'm asking for your opinion on something but I am not at ALL upset at what you are saying, nor have I ever "stomped my foot" at something on the Internet. I am nowhere near tears here. If I have come off as nasty, rude, greedy, or anything else I am truly sorry for that. That is NOT the person I am. Social media is good for a lot of things and misunderstand is up there at the top.

Let me tell you all that the day I married my husband was and always will be one of the best days of my life and nothing will ever take the place of that. He is my best friend and he is sitting here laughing at the drama I have somehow caused. Unintentional , mind you.

However, as much as he and I are happy with the way we got married (and maybe I said this wrong the first time...there's that misunderstanding hing again), we both regret the fact that our parents were not there, our close friends were not there. We made a promise on that day to renew our vows at our 5th anniversary. Not that I really should have to tell you all this but I want to make everything clear...the reason for the 5th and not the 10th is because I honestly don't think my father will be here for the 10th. It IS about family. It Is about love. It IS about celebrating our love WITH our family when we did not on our wedding day. I could not care less about any kind of gifts.

We also did not have a honeymoon 3 years ago. We WILL be taking a trip on our 5th anniversary. If that is "wedding-like" then so be it. We have never had a vacation with just us. Call that whatever but we are going.

I started looking at plans for this and I read two different things. Some say it's ok to go all out and some said no absolutely not it is in bad taste. I had no idea there were rules. So I asked a general question.

So let me tell you what I want. Everybody thinks they know but that is incorrect. I want to have a vow renewal with my husband. I want my father in law to "officiate" (no he is not ordained in any way) because he also was not there the first time. (My dad cannot stand that long. Just in case that was to come up). I want a huge party. I want games and food and maybe a cake I haven't decided yet. I want to wear a dress and it will be white. i want to have some flowers and decorations. Anniversary decorations. And yes, I want a photographer. I am a photographer. I understand the importance of photos to people and I want a ton of photos. I do NOT want any parties. I do NOT want to throw a bouquet or garter. But I want a party.

When I said "who's it gonna hurt if I have bridesmaids?" That's asking. I want to know. What will happen if I do? I'm seriously asking. Why do you feel that way.

Again, thanks for all the insighyt. And a lot of you are right: I will do what makes US happy.

I would also like to ask: what is up with all the "Ro" comments??? ??

Well, you had a wedding. It just wasn't the big party you had hoped for. I see no issue with doing "traditional" things at a vow renewal!

I have been at work all day, so I'm just getting back to this.

@Mna, if a couple wants to have their closest friends, loved ones, or children stand in support of them, then there’s nothing wrong with that. A friend of mine just had a small 15 year vow renewal and had her closest friend and 2 sons stand up in support for both her and her DH. Is there something wrong with that? I really don’t know why you thought that I was “butthurt” because my tone wasn’t meant to sound angry or anything at all. I was simply debating. But really though, some things that Emily Post says is outdated.

@Centerpiece, you made a lot of assumptions on what little information you had. But, there you go; Stacy apparently gave you your answer. She’s hosting a vow renewal, not a wedding, with a white dress and cake (which, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with) and her FIL officiating the ceremony, which is perfectly acceptable. She made it clear she want’s it to be an “anniversary” party. Based on her information, I highly doubt she would call it a wedding to her guests. What she explained in her last post is how vow renewals are. `

If I were your friend, and I mean this whole heartedly, I would side eye the hell out of you if you had a vow renewal and expected to have the whole shebang. I would not bring you a gift, I would not attend a shower, and I would not attend a bachelorette party. That ship has sailed since you are legally married and no longer a bride.

I would however be overjoyed to attend your vow renewal where your wore a gorgeous white dress, proclaimed your love for one another, and served a lovely dinner and cake.

There's a difference.

I know you are calling it a vow renewal now, but in your own words you said "i have not had a 'wedding'" which is why I think you got a lot of backlash.

Oh, for God's sake, Stacy...who the hell cares? There's nothing you need to clarify; we got it the first time, and all you're going to do now is pretend you've always considered this a vow renewal, not the wedding you always wanted, but didn't get (YOUR words, and why can't you just own them?). Go have your "wedding", because it's quite clear that you took advantage of the legal benefits of marriage three years ago, but now you want to be looked upon as a new bride. Ain't gonna happen, but knock yourself out. You won't be the first to do so, and you won't be the last.

Your question was, "is it tacky"? You received plenty of "yes, it's tacky to pretend you're a bride when you're a married woman" responses. It is just silly to collect a group of women to be non-bridesmaids to a married woman. You've gotten direct answers from plenty of forum members, and a good portion of them said that, yes, elements of your re-do are tacky. You don't care, so why ask?

There are no misunderstandings or misconceptions attached to this thread. It's all a matter of reading comprehension, and you, Stacy, enjoyed the legal benefits of a 2013 wedding, yet you still refuse to call that event a wedding. You're not getting married again -- you're pretending that you're a brand new bride walking the aisle for the first time. You are quite different from the lady who was married in a judge's chambers and now wishes, several months after her wedding (or after ten years of marriage), to host a fabulous event to celebrate with her family and friends.

The next time you have a question, entitle it correctly. Don't classify it as "wedding advice"; call it "renewal advice". And have a nice day. Maybe Ro can be your MOH. I have a sneaking suspicion she's free -- all of the time.

I think the dress, bouquet, cake, and first dance is fine. I say do it like other PP said its no rules to this.