Strippers at bachelor party?

@BoozyBaker, I didn’t know that not being able to work due to being unwell was considered an antiquated way of thinking. I had a good job and could spend my money freely as well as save it, but now I am in a situation where I have no choice. Honestly, it’s no ones business, and I never should have brought it up.

You are okay with your FH watching naked women dance for him and looking at porn. Good for you. If me thinking its disrespectful for a married (or almost married) man to have a stripper dance on him is old fashioned, then so be it. What’s wrong with that? I prefer to have some class. It’s not about jealously or cheating, or anything, it’s about being an adult in your relationship, and respecting each other’s feelings. Now, what on earth does any of that have to do with me having an “antiquated way of thinking” compared to me being in a difficult financial situation?

I really hate this whole "he's coming home to me" justification,for two main reasons. 1, it smacks of centuries of patriarchy where men did just that but with even less restraint, I.e. they would visit prostitutes in brothels and their mistresses in luxe apartments but they'd always come home to their wives. Big fucking woop. If I'm marrying you, I'm getting all of you, and you're getting all of me in return, and there is no room imo for justifying such extramarital prurient behavior. 2, it reeks of double standards. You say it doesn't matter BC you get him at the end of the night, but how many of your FHs would be OK with you going out to a seedy locale in teeny weeny clothing (if not completely naked), and spending your night grinding up against and sexually exciting various strange men BC it turns you on? Screw the double standards and screw this "tradition"

@Jacky, so are you implying that Boozy doesn't have class? Because A) that's seriously fucked up and B) it's completely inaccurate.

Must be nice to feel so superior to the whole world.

Anyway. OP, like many others have said, the issue here isn't really the strip club. It's the fact that your FH is dismissing your feelings. If you have another serious talk with him about it and he still is ignoring the fact that it bothers you, you might want to try counseling.

Aw thanks Flighty.

I did actually say that I offered that to my husband and he passed. Had no interest. If we're out and about or watching a movie we will talk about how beautiful a woman is (we both think Alicia Vikander is drop dead gorgeous) and I can say to him "Man, that guy from Slumdog Millionaire is so hot with a beard!" and he doesn't huff and puff and say I am disrespecting him. Because I'm not. He's a grown ass (fine) man and I treat him as such, not like a child.

The things you said previously that you regret bringing up being "old fashioned" (your word not mine) = antiquated. Whats so hard to get about that verbiage? You just said you didn't have a problem with it. *shrugs*

ETA:

@Sarah

"You say it doesn't matter BC you get him at the end of the night, but how many of your FHs would be OK with you going out to a seedy locale in teeny weeny clothing (if not completely naked), and spending your night grinding up against and sexually exciting various strange men BC it turns you on? "

Do you mean how many of them would be okay with their woman going to a strip club or how many would be okay with their woman being a stripper? I think you get that the person your dating is either into strip clubs and/or a stripper when you first start dating no? That's not something that gets sprung on you after years of dating. (At least it shouldn't be.)

@Boozy, haha no I don't mean the woman being a stripper, BC I agree, one doesn't tend to have surprise or secret jobs from one's SO, I guess the scenario I'm picturing is more of a club where you go out with the intention of getting turned on. I didn't mention strippers for straight women or something like Thunder from Down Under BC it seems like every time I've heard of that or experienced it, no women took it seriously in a sexual sense, I.e. there is no champagne room etc. Perhaps the real problem here is that society doesn't even offer a true equivalent for women, highlighting again the double standard.

@Flighty not exactly. But there's nothing classy about sexual exploitation. But, it's funny how you automatically think I feel superior to everyone else. I don't. Typical internet thinking, though.

@BoozyBaker talking about how good a person looks is different than going to a strip club and actually engaging in it. I'm not sure what you mean by me regretting being "old fashioned." What does it have to do with anything? I don't have a problem with what?I believe that this bachelor party tradition needs to die, just as several other PP's on this thread have suggested. Not sure what makes me so old fashioned with that.

If you and your partner agree that strippers are not for you then so be it. If you decide that it's not a deal breaker than so be it. Neither decision has more class than the other. This a decision that has to be made between two people in a relationship. I like going to strip clubs, however, if FH told me that it made him feel uncomfortable I would stop. Strippers are not more valuable than his feelings, whether I agree with them or not.

OP you need to sit down with your FH and discuss exactly what it is about strip clubs that you do not like. A simple no you can't go doesn't cut it, you are not his mother. Have a discussion and make sure he is clear on where you stand on the issue. If you mutually agree strippers are off the table then no strip clubs for his bachelor party.

He needs to respect your wishes. Screw the friends. But in order for him to be able to respect what you want, you have to tell him.

Did OP ever come back to the convo ???

Thanks for the input. It's funny how different people's opinions can be. I did add on to the OP.

The FH has been best friends with these guys his entire life, so it's not like I want him to find new friends, as one suggested.

I'm probably unreasonably insecure. I really am leaning towards the idea of trying to be more confident and being a little more laid back about it. I don't want to be the type that controls what the hubby does because I do trust him. He is coming back home to me, afterall.

I would never rationalize my emotional pain away from my loved one stomping on my intimate boundaries. Isn't that just rug sweeping?

If someone were "old fashioned" in this regard, wouldn't they be pro-strippers for bachelors and pro their FH dictating their lives? Seems like that's what we've had centuries of.

OP, your last comment worries me. You do not need to change how you feel. Your FH needs to stop invalidating how you feel.

Sarahmouche mic drop

Have you asked him how he would feel if you went to a male strip show before the wedding? Maybe if he can see it from his point of view he will see it from your point of view. If he doesn't like it which he probably won't then maybe he will understand why you don't like it

UO: I'm more upset I cant get to the strip club with my FH and his boys. I'm not insecure and we have alot of fun TOGETHER at strip clubs. Hell I bought him a lap dance after our engagement party. I trust him and I'm secure even when he goes alone. I'm really not worried about him being attracted to women with silicon boobs dancing for dollars.

First of all, not all strippers have silicon boobs. There's no need to degrade them, especially if you have so much fun together around them.

Secondly, not every woman who objects to strippers at a bachelor party (or period) for her FH is insecure. My husband thinks I'm super sexy and I believe that he feels that way and I trust him. However, imo, going out with the intention of getting sexually excited by someone who is not your SO is not OK with me. There's no need to paint us all as suffering from insecurities.

I took the approach of stating to my FH I trust him and whatever the choose to do I will be okay with because I know he'll be respectful to me. Do I like the idea of a strip club?? Absolutely not but I don't believe in telling a grown man what to do. He stated to me that he doesn't want to go to one. Our best man has come up to me and asked for my opinion on what FH might like and I know he's still gonna have fun without having someone else's boobs in his face.

Side note: even if he did they would never be as nice as mine or have my charming personality attached to them hehe

I trust my FH and I know nothing would ever happen however we are both very uncomfortable with the idea of having strippers at parties or going to strip clubs for more than one reason.

That being said, I completely agree with what @Sarahmouche said about your last comment OP, your FS should never make your feelings feel invalidated or like you're crazy. If you're uncomfortable then that's how you feel, you shouldn't feel like you have to force yourself to be okay with something you're not.

I feel very strongly about the issue as well! I never tell my fiancé what to do, never give ultimatums, etc. This, however, we had a serious talk about. He didn't want to go to one, but I just wanted him to know that in case his friends had it in mind...I am very uncomfortable with the idea of him going to a strip club. It had nothing to do with trust or anything like that. It's just how I feel. It might sound silly or prude or whatever, but it would hurt me a lot. He should be able to talk to his friends and let them know. If him or his friends still go through with it, to be honest, I think it would be very disrespectful of them to ignore your feelings. I know everyone's relationship is different and different things matter to different people, but if it's something you feel strongly about, talk about it.