Strip Club the night before the wedding

Honestly, it wouldn't have bothered me. It really does sound like his family and friends dragged him into it, especially if he's not typically into things like that. I've done some stupid stuff out of peer pressure and alcohol and I can see it happening even if he didn't particularly want it to.

But this isn't about me, it's about you, and how you feel. If you're not okay with it, you're not okay with it and nothing can excuse that. It's good that you talked, but now what you need to do is tell him that you need sometime to think and heal. And take that time, don't feel guilty letting him sit for awhile, it's important you sort your feelings out and decide how you want to move forward.

I'm sorry, Monica. I don't get it. You're hurt and angry that your FH was at a strip club the night before your wedding, but then you say, "The issue was that it was the night before our wedding, not the strip club itself"...so, should we ignore the words in your OP that said, " Am I overreacting at being incredibly hurt and angry that the night before our wedding he was at a strip club with strange girls all over him? He got in at 4am and then tried to leave out the fact that that's where he was." Whether it was the night before your wedding or the night before ten Thursdays ago, is the issue of "strange girls all over him" any different? I'm sorry...I don't get the distinction. Are you saying he should live up to a code of morality that he hasn't had to live up to, for as long as you've known him, for that last 24 hours? Why? What difference does that make?

What is it? The lying? Is it the fact that he tried to hide it from you, and if he did, how do you know the truth? Who told you, and why.

I'm not trying to give you a hard time, I'm just confused, and he may be confused as well. Any other night of his life, strange, partially nude girls are alright, but because it was your wedding eve, the rules changed? I'm confused -- not judging, just confused.

Monica, this isn't just your issue. It was his behavior, his wrongdoing, his lying. Your feelings are valid. This is not your problem, primarily. Although, if you are going to stay with him, you need to decide how he's going to regain your trust.

@Rachel.. He doesn't do this type of thing at all. But if his groomsmen wanted to take him another night then fine because that's I guess what boys in his family do. The issue is that it was 1- the night before our wedding... 2-he lied about it 3-it caused him to be late for his obligations the day of and lastly.. Because to me that night things do change. Committed or not previously this is a whole, much larger realm of commitment. The time for strip clubs and strange tits has since passed. Will he do it again? Absolutley not. Because of me? No.. Because that's not who he was to begin with. And as for confused.. Tell me about it. I found out all of this at 730am the morning of my wedding. Not sure how you think I was supposed to feel when he does something so out of character and then lied about it when asked. On the morning we were to be married. And his stepmother told me.. Maybe as her last way of pissing me off before the wedding. I don't know.

@monica i read you other comment.... no i dont think you over reacted you have the right to your feelings.... and if he wasnt where he was supposed to be when he was supposed to be there oh yeah id be more than pissed....we are adults he knew he had responsibilities to be some where and at a specific time and wasnt...

@rachel... you truly have a knack for words/writing. You crush the response game! Every. Single. Time.

Your posts make me LOL on a regular basis. But I also agree wholeheartedly and can never express what I want to say as succinctly and brilliantly composed as you do. I have serious writers envy lol

@ celia...

Qhat i qas trying to say was that was she really angry about the strip club , the fact that he came home at 4 in the morning or the fact that she felt he should have been home relxing before his big day....

Im not saying she shouldnt feel the way she feels... but if it didnt affect the wedding day....and everything went as planned its some thing they could talk about....

@Judith.. I'm not angry or upset with you. I get it. I've got people who agree, people who don't and some who either can't or won't understand. It really was about some reassurance for myself.

The "boys will be boys" rationale is ridiculous and juvenile and it's not a valid excuse. You 'guess' that's what the men in his family do? Well that's bullshit. The men in his family should have shown more respect for you and the events of the next day, which he would presumably want to be fresh and pert for. This man, and any man getting married should show their intended wives the respect they deserve instead of caving to peer pressure. Whether it's the naked women part, the being out until four am part or the being out until 4 am the night before the wedding part, it's all disrespectful.

I swear I just don't get it.

Honesty is the best policy. The fact that he didn't tell you & tried to lie is concerning.

Her last way of pissing you off? Don't involve your stepmother as a villain. Her timing was lacking, but the incident still occurred. Would it be better if you didn't know?

She's not my stepmother, she is his. She didn't even seemed concerned with my feelings as she is the one who started the whole boys will be boys argument. To be quite honest because of this and how his family acted and reacted I probably won't have much of a relationship with them for a while at the very least. And yes maybe it would have been better not to know. What you don't know can't hurt you... I do agree that regardless of what the catalyst was for my anger and hurt the bottom line is disrespect. And unlike the women who have married into this family previously I will not tolerate that.

Not an uncommon activity for a stag party and he may not have been the one orchestrating it. That doesn't mean he was getting lap dances and drinking shots off their bodies. He's marrying you, not one of those dancers. If it's out of character for him and he knows how you feel about it going forward, I wouldn't expect there to be a problem. But this would be a good time to figure out the double standard if he got upset if you did this with your bachelorette party.

I didn't do this.. I didn't even have a bachelorette party. I went home after the shower and then met him at his bachelor party per his request. Those were a month before the wedding because of schedules. If he wanted to do it he should have left me at home and gone then, but he didn't. If instead of going home after the rehearsal dinner I called my gfs and was like, lets go party until 4am he would have been pissed because that's not what I said I was doing. It brings up the point of if you can't count on someone to do as they say and show up on the most important date of your life this far.. What can you expect going forward? I'm seriously all over the place with this.

I'd be livid. I wouldn't marry my fiancé if he did that. I'd be extremely hurt and it's something I'd end up never forgiving, especially because I've already voiced my opinion on situations like that and he knows I wouldn't approve.

Vicki, wow...I'm blushing. Thank you.

Monica, your husband's step-mother is a bitch. I looked at a lot of definitions, but the best one I found was actually an antonym -- that was "admirable". Any older woman who can look at a bride on her wedding day and say, "Hey, sugar, guess where he was last night? Here's a hint -- boys will be boys."

Listen, if this behavior, this practice, this recreational activity, is no longer acceptable, then you need to address it -- now. You've been married for 11 days, and you're still upset about what you perceive was a breach of boundaries and a deception. That's huge. You need to sit down and have a husband/wife conversation. Maybe you aren't quite as open minded as you thought you were. It happens. Let him know that strip clubs are now listed under the same category as overdrawing the checking account, quitting his job because he doesn't like it, or deciding to stop showering. Yes, he will be confused because it was approved before, but now it isn't. He needs to know that, don't you think?

Something similar happened to my mom. My dad casually left out the fact that there were strippers at his bachelor party and she later found out. If it comes up at all today, 32 years later, she still gets upset about it.

TBH I think men doing this is disrespectful to women in general and I would have called off the wedding if my husband had done this to me but it's especially uncool when they are in a committed relationship and even more so if it was the night before your wedding. I would seek counseling to help you guys get through this.

Monica, you wrote:

1- the night before our wedding...

2-he lied about it

3-it caused him to be late for his obligations the day of

I'll add two:

4. Your feelings on this aren't being validated by your spouse, which is I'm guessing why in part you're asking here.

5. Your feelings aren't being acknowledged by your stepmother. "Boys will be boys" is one of the most asinine things I've ever heard.

I'd let your husband's stepmother be an ass, that's fine. It's really important that your husband acknowledges that he hurt you and take responsibility for it. If he can't do that, you won't move on.

@Jacks exactly what I was thinking. It's okay to be upset OP. The fact that he tried to hide it from you means he feels guilty in some way. But his response should be to validate your feelings. Even if he doesn't think what he did was wrong he should still apologize for hurting you. That's the more important part. We can't really control what makes others feel bad, but we can control how we respond to them when we have caused them to feel bad. Couples counseling maybe, but a good thorough discussion could also help.