Secretly getting legally married but hiding it because of the upcoming ceremony.

You are not going to change my mind here.

View Quoted Comment

Clearly...

I guess I am just a deceptive liar, and I ruined all of my guest's lives.

View Quoted Comment I've said this before. Outside of this forum, I have never met anyone that cares about this. Not a single clean person.
I got married a month before because I had a Catholic wedding in Mexico (I'm Mexican) and to do so you have to get married by court beforehand and turn in your papers (due to separation of church and state). I told people, casually mentioned it, nobody really cared a whole lot. I still called my Catholic wedding my real wedding as eeeeeveryone in Mexico does.

Haha not sure why my autocorrect added the word clean, but I can't edit it on my phone.

View Quoted Comment

But you informed people beforehand. What we are discussing in not telling people beforehand.

I personally have never come across anything like this in my life. Not a single person I know has done this kind of thing.

Your instance is different as you can't legally get married the same day as your Catholic wedding due to laws where you were getting married. That is different.

View Quoted Comment I mentioned to some before, some after, some already knew as it's the norm in Mexico. Still nobody cared.

View Quoted Comment

I don't either if you are truthful to me. No need to lie, which is what this entire post is about.

So what I'm hearing from a few posters is this--if you must, for whatever reason, get married quickly or with little notice, that was the wedding and that's all there is to it. They are no longer permitted to have a public declaration and ceremony of love and commitment with family and friends. NOPE. This important cultural ritual is no longer for you, because that would make you LIARS, trying to GRAB GIFTS at your SHAM WEDDING. (despite the marriage being as legit as anyone else's) How mean-spritied and unkind.

As for the lying, I don't know the OP's brother's personal situation, obviously, but here's how I imagine this type of situation could have gone down:

Groom: Oh god, you need to: have an operation/get a visa/whatever. We have to get married like NOW!

Bride: Yeah, but we have a date picked and told everyone already. What do we do? Get married tomorrow? Then do we tell people? Everyone we'll think we're stupid and unable to plan our lives.

Groom: I know, it sucks. If we tell people we got married before the planned date, my judgmental sister we'll think we're after gifts.

Bride: Yeah...that's not good. So we don't tell anyone?

Groom: Then she'll think we're lying assholes. If she finds out.

Bride: So, we wait and get legally married at the ceremony?

Groom: But then you get sick/deported/deployed!

Bride: three terrible options.

Groom: What do we think is the least terrible? A, B, or C?

Bride: Well C--waiting to do everything exactly by the book will create real hardship in our lives. So, A or B?

Groom: Someone's gonna judge us either way....so, B? Let's just keep it between us? We'll do the legal paperwork do you can get the medicine/coverage/visa you need, but I still feel that the day we say our vows in front our of family and friends is what's important and is our wedding, even though we'll be married before.

Bride: Me too.

Sister finds out, throws a hissy fit, threatens to tell the whole family, and worst cast scenario--calls the wedding a sham AND that they're liars.

Nice.

View Quoted Comment If you hide something and don’t tell the truth, you are lying. You don’t need the big party to get married. You can still have a party, just no need to have a ceremony when one is already married.

All of those reasons are valid reasons to get married but why do you need to hide it? Or you could do the adult thing and wait to get married on your actual wedding day regardless of the reason?

For many couples, saying vows, professing their love, and promising to be faithful to each other in front of their family and friends is of vital importance. How sad that you have no interest in hearing them do so because they had--for reasons you have agreed are valid--to have the marriage legalized earlier.

This isn't an ideal situation for sure. But I would be heartbroken if a friend or family told me they thought I should be denied the opportunity to say vows in public, but I could have a party! Buy them dinner and booze! That relationship would be irreparably damaged, let me tell you.

But...I suspect that wouldn't matter to you, because I'm just a liar anyway, right?

It astonishes me how often people use moral absolutism to deny others compassion and kindness. In my experience though, once the tables are turned, they expect that very same kindness and compassion and forgiveness.

View Quoted Comment

You can certainly have a celebration and declaration of love if you have a courthouse wedding, but you should have no reason to hide the fact that you had a courthouse ceremony prior. Hiding something so joyous could have many reasons, but usually they're not good ones. No harm comes from being honest. Hiding things is where people start hurting. Legally speaking, the day they sign the paperwork is the day they are married, cultural ritual aside.

To reiterate: you can have a celebration and declaration of love if you are legally married prior to the party. You just shouldn't lie to anyone about it. It's not hard to say, "we got married to make sure that he/she gets the insurance coverage they need, and we'd love to have you celebrate with us on x day." I would be just as happy for that couple as any other.

View Quoted Comment Here’s the thing: when you get married in the courthouse or with a JP you still say some form of vows. But to discredit that kind of wedding because it’s not the big party is cruel to those who wanted that.

All I’m saying is you don’t need to hide that part from anyone. Usually if you are hiding something, it’s for a rather selfish reason. If you don’t care if anyone knows beforehand why hide it?

It’s very important to my FI and I to share our wedding day with our families so we are. We could have gone down to town hall several times to get married but it would cause hurt feelings from family so we haven’t.

Who's discrediting a courthouse wedding? If that's what people want, go for it.

In my post, I was talking about people who, for a variety of reasons, have a legal wedding out of necessity THEN the party/public ceremony that they want to share with friends and family.

Two entirely different situations.

And my personal opinion is that to say, "you're already legally married, so you don't get to publicly have a wedding ceremony," when the couple WANTS that, but couldn't, is unkind and uncharitable.

View Quoted Comment Again, as long as you are honest about it, I really don’t care. Though it’s a bit strange to have a ceremony when one is already married given the wording of most ceremonies.

How do you promise something to someone when you have already done so by getting married? That just seems strange to me but hey, not my wedding. I don’t really agree with the multiple wedding thing because in my family I have had a few people who had those same issues in terms of immigration. My cousin’s wife’s visa was expiring, they didn’t know when or even if she would be able to get back. They had a very small ceremony in their backyard with only aunts and uncles. It was beautiful. They never had a second ceremony for others. My brother is in the Army. He met his wife while stationed in Germany. They got married in the courthouse there and still have no plans on having a second ceremony.

My thing is is that you have two choices as an adult getting married. If circumstances force you to get married fast, you can get married and that’s it. Or if you are able to wait, you wait. If the vows are very important to you and your FI, then you can do a quick and small wedding or you wait it out. Most people do.

And you may not be discrediting the courthouse or JP wedding but a lot of time I’ve seen the people who do this kind of thing say that wasn’t the “real” wedding because they didn’t have the big party and the ceremony.

It’s just my own opinion that if that thing is so important you find a way to do it all together or at least don’t lie about doing it beforehand.

View Quoted Comment Exactly. I have decided going forward to ask either the bride or the groom if they are already married. That way they have to either ask me why am I asking which means they're already married or lie to me face.

View Quoted Comment Ok you like liars I get it. When your best friend or child does something like this just enjoy the wedding ceremony or the fact that they quit college but have kept cashing your check for tuition. It's not about you remember.

View Quoted Comment Thank you Dilly Dilly. I will post an update hopefully with a truth reveal by my brother shortly.

View Quoted Comment Like the just own how you got married.

View Quoted Comment Well start a Facebook poll and I bet you will see different results. The good thing is it sounds like you told people beforehand. The people that don't care that you're already married will come anyway. It's those that have to fly across the country and spend tons of money, drive for 10 hours when they aren't feeling great or others who move heaven and Earth because they want to be there to see a loved one get married. Unfortunately they already missed the marriage part and now they are witnessing a reenactment. we