Secretly getting legally married but hiding it because of the upcoming ceremony.

Mess.
I will never understand why people get married and hide it.

I mean you can’t really force your brother’s hands and force him to tell everyone. You also can’t really spill the beans and tell everyone invited to his wedding the truth without potentially destroying your relationship for years to come.

Have you talked to him? Do you know why he got married early? Celia, an officiant who used to be allowed on the forums, always had pretty good advice for these situations. She used to say that couples she married did this occasionally for a variety of reasons - military, health insurance, visas, immigration, etc. She always advised her couples to tell at a minimum, their parents and close family members, to avoid moments like yours. But she did say she had never seen it be a problem.

I would talk to your brother first and see what his reasoning is. If it’s something dumb like “I don’t know” or “cause we wanted to,” well, I don’t know what to tell you because that’s strange. If it’s a legitimate reason, I would let it go. H and I signed the paperwork two weeks before our ceremony and reception because we needed our marriage certificate fast so I could do visa and immigration stuff for Europe. My parents were our witnesses, our officiant came to the courthouse to meet us. He asked, “do you take?” And “do you take?” And “good enough for me, you’re married!” Two weeks later, he came to our venue and we exchanged formal vows in front of our family and friends. We didn’t advertise that we signed everything but we didn’t lie about it if asked. It wasn’t a big deal. Im sorry he didn’t tell you. I can understand being angry and wanting to tell everyone. I would be crushed if my younger brother kept me out of the loop on something like this. However, if he did tell me and he had a valid reason for it, I certainly wouldn’t be mad and I wouldn’t tell him to tell everyone.

My brother and his wife wee legally married 10/17/08. They hid it from everyone until after their wedding 10/17/09. It didn't make one difference. It was their wedding. The first was just a courthouse thing. I don't understand why you care. That is the day they are choosing to celebrate and let it be known. It's not like they had a secret wedding and got a bunch of gifts from their friends and are now going and trying to have another wedding for more gifts. They have a marriage and want a wedding. Not your wedding. Not your marriage.

It really doesn’t matter. So they had a courthouse wedding which is extremely basic and are having another one to celebrate. Does it really make a difference? It’s their choice if they do or don’t tell people. They aren’t obligated to. The way you refer to it as a sham wedding is a bit dramatic. It’s a wedding not a sham

People have different opinions and views when it comes to the legal wedding vs. wedding celebration. My FH (yes I still call him FH) and I got legally married in June. I had crap health insurance and needed some medical attention and he is military and was due for orders. We went to the courthouse with my parents and grandma and did a mini ceremony where we said only what needed to be legally said. We have our WEDDING in May. Yes, still calling it our wedding, as is our entire family. They all know we already are legally married and don’t care a single bit. Not one person has said “oh well it’s a vow renewal” or “well your already married so it’s a sham wedding.” To us the courthouse was just for paperwork and when we exchange our written personal vows in front of our friends and family is our wedding. Not a single person has expressed negative opinion about it.

View Quoted Comment ^^^ exactly this 🙌🏻

View Quoted Comment What happened to Celia? I took a break from wedding planning and the forums and was wondering where she went.

OP, do you know why they already got married? I never understand why people do that. "Insurance purposes" is not enough of a reason to get married early and lie to your family in my opinion, but that's sooo many peoples reason for it.

View Quoted Comment I don’t believe you should lie or hide it from family, but insurance is a perfectly valid reason to have a legal ceremony early. I needed surgery and it was going to cost me over $12,000 WITH my old insurance. I’m a special ed teacher, that is not money I have. Instead, we got married and I paid $0 with his insurance.

I have zero issue with people who choose to do this, but I do take serious issue with people who say “the first was JUST the courthouse”. The courthouse makes you just as married as anywhere else. To say otherwise negates those who choose that as their wedding.

OP, I don’t really have much advice for you, but I do sympathize with you. I know I would feel hurt if my sibling got married and didn’t tell me.

I wouldn't care about them being legally married already, or them referring to their big celebration as their wedding, but it's the lying that would bother me.

I only meant basic as far as most people don’t have a traditional reception immediately following.

My parents did this because my dad kept going cold feet. They thought having s private JOP ceremony 2 months before would take the stress off of the big wedding. Immediate family knew but no one else.

So, you and your sister both now know? And SIL told after getting mad, right? Seems to me that SIL isn't good at keeping this secret and word will get around before the vow renewal.

View Quoted Comment Vendors are no longer allowed to partake in the forums. :/

View Quoted Comment They no longer allow vendors on the Wedding Wire forums, married couples and engaged couples only.

Also, insurance is a perfectly valid reason, especially for couples who do not qualify as a “domestic partnership” or those who do not meet other qualifications the company has regarding adding non-family to their plans. I mean in situations where being added to the others insurance is absolutely necessary, like needing a non-covered procedure/medication or looking at an insanely high bill. H has way better health insurance than I had before we were married. Although I didn’t need it, if I was in the same situation as Stephanie was, I would have too.

My brother did this for insurance purposes. They didnt go and announce it and don’t think it’s a big deal. The wedding they had and wanted was beautiful. Sometimes there are financial reasons why people do this and I don’t think it’s anyones business.

It looks like you have some options!

1. Courthouse Shame him: Call him out. Tell everyone. Gossip away and start a rumor while you’re at it (was she pregnant?) This means you’re willing to draw negative attention and embarrassment on your own brother’s day that they worked hard for just to publicly shame them. Just be ready for some repercussions, because nobody likes a tattletale (which may include you being thrown out, looking like a crazy, or/and impacting relationships)

2. Dr. Phil ‘em: If this is truly bothering you, then pull brother and SIL aside personally, explain your reasoning on why you’re upset and hear them out. “Can we move forward from this?”

3. Show up, shut up, wear beige: You can go to the wedding without saying anything at all and allow them to enjoy their day just as planned. This means keeping their business their business like they obviously wanted in the first place because they didn’t tell you. (Careful on your alcohol intake.. which may end up resulting in option 1.)

Ask yourself how does this impact me, how does this impact them, what results could happen from my actions, will this matter 5 years from now?

Good luck!

I know a bunch of people who have done this. People who don't have health insurance are in this category. This has been happening for years people. My grandparents did this in the 50s this is nothing new. My best friend did this because she didn't have health insurance and in between jobs, I am doing this because I don't have health insurance (part time two jobs). Cue the people getting all upset about you being married and it's not a wedding and blah blah blah. A wedding ceremony is between two people who love each other either before or after the "we're official". I don't understand why people get so worked up about your personal choices. Now they don't have to come, but if they discount your wedding ceremony and reception that you CHOSE to host because you signed paperwork beforehand for visas, immigration, health insurance whatever, then you don't need them in your life. You don't have to tell people if you don't want to, it's not the end of the world. You don't have to advertise it, and that doesn't make you "dishonest". I have never met a real life person who is like, "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LIED TO US !" Or people who got upset. People get too wrapped up in other people's personal lives in this instance. Like I don't report how much money I make to any of my wedding guests, I love you but you don't need to know I make $11 bucks an hour or $55 an hour, or what I paid for this wedding, or if I'm trying for a baby. It's not a sham wedding. It may not be the legal day, but it shouldn't be less special, you have every right to wear a big beautiful white dress, have a nice hosted dinner with food and drink, have a fun time dancing with a dj, and getting beautiful pictures with the man or woman of your dreams if you want to.

View Quoted Comment

100% agree! @ForestWed, that is extremely disrespectful to couples who have chosen a courthouse wedding. A courthouse wedding is just as special, legitimate and "real" as any other wedding (well except for these sham vow renewals people try to pass off as a wedding). Their marriage is not any less real than someone else's just because they choose not to have a big fancy party.

View Quoted Comment Exactly ridamndiculous