Secretly getting legally married but hiding it because of the upcoming ceremony.

View Quoted Comment Lol it is a personal choice so why not let's folks choose to come to a ceremony in name only. Why lie by omission? simple fear -that folks wouldn't come, drama or some other ridamndiculous reason. Man or woman up and tell the truth. A lie by omission is still a lie.

View Quoted Comment I don't understand why people need to his such things. Just be honest period. Unfortunately these type of person things eventually come out sooner or later.

View Quoted Comment Wow if its not a big deal why hide it. Be truthful. These lies usually always come to light because a secret is not a secret if you tell anybody.

If they choose to tell people or not it’s their choice. They aren’t obligated to. Some people keep things to themselves.

It is 2017, if people still care about antiquated unfair, arbitrary standards about what someone chooses to spend their time, and hard earned on money on, they are the ones with the problem, they shouldn't come. I don't want someone there who feels this is a lie, to be invited to our celebration PERIOD, either now or later. I spent a lot of money to host you and your ungrateful butt, don't waste my time and money then. So like you might as well cut these people out of your life then. These people who are upset about "a lie" wouldn't be invited, and if it ruins our friendship, I really don't need their friendship anyway and am totally fine ending it.

There was a mother of the bride on here a few months ago that was devastated her daughter tried to do this. She got married legally without telling her parents (I think a sibling knew, or there was a Facebook post - I can’t remember how she found out). Her daughter didn’t tell them because she wanted her $30,000 wedding that her parents were paying for. The parents of bride and groom ended up agreeing to pull their funds, and the wedding was cancelled. I remember how much it hurt the parents that the children were willing to lie to them. Perhaps you can share that story with your brother if you’re worried about your own parents. I would be upset if my sibling did this to my family. I’m not sure you can ‘out’ your brother without ruining the relationship, but maybe you can help him see it from a different perspective.

Why is it weddings bring out the worst in people? Weddings aren’t about the invitees. They’re about the two people making a lifelong commitment. Those two people get to decide how it all goes down. If they have a reason to get married prior to their formal vow exchange and reception, then so be it. And if they don’t choose to make that information public, so be that, too. Their choices aren’t harming a single family member or invited guest.

And the butthurt woe is me’s about courthouse weddings: seriously folks. Just because someone else wouldn’t consider that their definition of a wedding doesn’t invalidate your choice. Each couple gets to make their own decision and it has nothing to do with any other couple’s choices. I can say I don’t want a courthouse wedding and want something more traditional and don’t have walk on eggshells to do it. That sounds a lot like insecurity to me.

Exactly. To me when you get legally married you are married and anything after that is a renewal of vows etc.

It's so out of line to "force your brother and SIL's hands" to tell everyone about their "sham wedding." As another person said, It's not your wedding. Not your marriage. There are plenty of reasons why people get married early. My parents actually had to get married two months early, because my grandma was very traditional 25 years ago and would not allow my mom to live with my father before they got married (the original plan was for my father to live with his parents for the two months...but then they moved out of the area due to a new job).

The problem is not the early wedding; the problem is the lying about the early wedding. I don't want to attend the Pretty Princess Day of two people who are lying to me. Actually, I don't want to have anything at all to do with people who lie to me.

Stacia, it's not weddings that make someone a liar. It's their own rude behavior in lying to their guests. Once you invite ONE guest, the wedding ceases to be about just you as a couple. A reception is literally a party to "receive" guests and thank them for coming to your ceremony, so no, it isn't just about the bride and the groom. The couple can get married whenever they want. No one said they shouldn't. But don't lie to people and then expect that they won't care.

Yes I realize that ideology is en vogue in this forum. Receptions are defined as formal events held in celebration — often as a welcome. The married couple hosts to receive the guests who were present at their union. It isn’t s thanks for coming. It’s a celebrate this splendid occasion.

Guests should expect nothing. It is he couples day and their party. They are, in fact, guests and should behave as such. Refusing to attend because their personal sensibilities have been violated by something that isn’t their business in the first place is the epitome of selfish.

View Quoted Comment 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 YES!

View Quoted Comment Then why not just get married and keep it to yourself. No celebration or ceremony with others because you like to keep things private.

View Quoted Comment Monica thank you so much for that information. I am personally hurt because I thought I was closer to my brother than this since I have been on their side(but was on the fence truly but will support my brother. I am now off the fence and have a negative view of my hidden SIL). To me a foundation on a lie makes building a solid house damn near impossible.

View Quoted Comment Yes Going to the chapel we both know. I am not sure about our other brother he may know too since they are close. I am both hurt and pissed.

View Quoted Comment 1. Not going to do that. I don't think.
2. Leaning towards this after I talk withy sister.
3. Unlikely. Well to me if you do this in secret then don't tell anybody. Because if you tell anyone except the people involved it's not a secret. The SIL complaining to out sister is troubling. Also there is more to this story but to me this is enough to me.

View Quoted Comment Exactly a lie by omission is still a lie.

View Quoted Comment

Yep - people can get married for any reason, military, deployment, benefits, whatever. No one objects to that. It is the lying to others as it comes off as: "We got hitched a year ago, but we still want a wedding with the gifts." You can call the second ceremony a wedding, vow renewal, celebration, ring ceremony, whatever you want.....why would you start your marriage with a lie?

OP - tell your brother your feelings, tell him you are very uncomfortable with the lying and see what he says. My take is I would tell our parents, especially if they were funding the second wedding and they are believing they are paying for a first wedding, not what is essentially a vow renewal.

OP - your brother put you in a very uncomfortable position - I would not cover for him, personally.

View Quoted Comment I am really thinking about going to see my brother and sister in-law in person to discuss this situation. I believe they need to tell everyone in our immediate family. I also believe they should just tell everyone or at least our side of the family. They don't need a gift grab because my brother makes a great salary. My parents are not gung ho about the "fiancee" but so what man up and tell us all you got married for insurance purposes or whatever. They are paying for their own wedding. Well my brother's money is actually. Well I guess now it's their money because their married. Mess smh