Save the Date, No Invite?

STDs aside, the fact that she was invited to the engagement party means she needs to be invited to the wedding. Also, gonna point out at others that if she has a boyfriend, she is not single.

Usually I’d say it’s rude but she sounds like a rude cow herself so don’t worry about her feelings. If she asks why you didn’t invite her to the wedding you can cite her horrid behavior at the engagement party.

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What was the horrid behavior on the friend's part? Wondering why she wasn't invited with her boyfriend??

If you don't care about the friendship at all and there aren't any mutual friends that would be in the crossfire (meaning they'd have to choose between you two) then I would say don't invite her. Just make sure you fully understand that this would burn this friendship to the ground. If there are mutual friends or you care about saving face with this girl, you need to invite her. It goes much further than etiquette. The STD is literally saying "don't make plans for this day" so what if she took off work or something... Just make sure you fully understand the ramifications.

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She wasn't dating the guy at the time of the engagement party invitation. She didn't RSVP to the party, then when my bridesmaid followed up to see if she could come, her response was that she was indeed coming and bringing her boyfriend.

The party was thrown by a good friend of mine who was gracious enough to allow another person to come, but as the bride, I thought it was pretty rude to not have a conversation with me about it.

All of the weddings I've been invited to/know of lately have just about followed the rule of "no ring, no bring." I agree I still need to invite her, but I'm very surprised by the strong reaction to new, casual relationships always earning a plus one (even if the guest list was created before the relationship started). In my experience, if you are dating someone and not in the wedding party and the new beau doesn't know the bride/groom, you are VERY lucky to get an invitation! But maybe it's a regional/more modern way of thinking.

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Totally agree with you, Denise! I agree that I need to invite her. But now this thread has me feeling like I'm the cow for not including her brand new boyfriend when I don't even know him (and the guest list was created before the relationship began), and that shocked me! Thanks for your input. I'm very appreciative!

View Quoted Comment Many people on WW follow the belief that if they are in a relationship, the SO gets invited. Regardless of how long they've been together. The no ring, no bring thing has kind of started to go out of style due to so many couples dating without getting married and also moving in together before marriage as well. You are kind of in a sticky situation with this one, but since your friend who threw the engagement party made an exception to add him to the guest list, it pretty much added him to the wedding guest list because like other posters stated, whoever you invite to the engagement party, gets invited to the wedding. Whatever decision you make, I hope you're happy! Remember, YOU are the bride!

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I understand your point of view! So, what does one do in the situation when a relationship has started after the guest list was already created? To me, if I were her, I thought I'd rather be invited sans plus one than not included at all. But maybe that's just typical for where I live? I've truly never heard of new relationships being package deals, so my mind is a bit boggled!

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Thank you, Denise! I appreciate you more than you know.

View Quoted Comment Are you getting married June 2, 2018!? That's my date! We are date twins yay!

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YES! Aw, I love that! Best (sunny!!!!) day ever. I sent you a friend request.

I'm in the same boat...there are people who have really shown true colors the past couple of months..however, at the end of the day an extra couple of dollars to go ahead and send them invitations won't hurt me, I won't end up being the rude one and there is a 99.9% chance they won't bother coming anyway...so I'm sending the invite.

Unfortunately you need to invite both of them (by name). If they were already dating when you had your engagement party, it'll have been a half a year or more by the time the wedding comes around & that's no longer even a "new boyfriend".

Also, "no ring, no bring" is the most asinine & patronizing thing I can think of telling my friends, unless you're living in a 1950s society where your relationship and value is defined solely by your official status. My FH & I weren't originally planning on getting married & have been together for several years. In that amount of time, we've had friends who have met people, dated, & gotten married. So my several year relationship was somehow less valid than their shorter, married relationship because we didn't want to define our commitment by traditional norms & a piece of jewelry?

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I'm with you, Amanda! It's worth it to me to just invite her and be the bigger person. I'm not convinced I need to add her boyfriend after the fact of the guest list already being created before they started dating, though, despite the interesting (and aggressive) opinions here!

Maybe you could reach out to her before you send out invites and just let her know that unfortunately there just isn’t enough space/money for her boyfriend. That way you could send her the invitation and leave the decision up to her on if she will attend or not. If you don’t think that would work and if you’re okay with potentially ending the friendship with her, then don’t send her the invitation. Yeah some people might see it as rude, but if you don’t see your friendship continuing then do what you have to do! Good luck and hope this helps!

Well, looks like I'm in the minority here. Personally, I think a lot of wedding "etiquette" is manufactured bullcrap.

Why should you be obligated to send her an invite just because you sent a STD ten million years ago? People change, friendships change. You're allowed to change your mind. Especially when it means the difference for paying for an extra head or two. Now, if you had sent an actual invite and then wanted to rescind it, that would be rude. But otherwise, no.

It's your day and your FHs day. Don't let antiquated "etiquette" rules cloud your day and force you to make decisions you aren't comfortable with.

Agree she needs to be invited. Same follows through to a shower. If you invite to the shower they should be invited to the wedding. Future bride out there, make sure you want to invite them before the STD, you can always add after but not delete.

Hmmm you're in a tough spot! I think maybe just bite the bullet and invite them. Unfortunately, now that you've met the guy, he has to be invited too. However, if you're okay getting rid of this friendship, I wouldn't sweat it. If you're tight on space, and money, maybe make her available if someone else can't make it. Prioritize your guests, as bad as it sounds, and then go from there. I wouldn't want to you to see her on your wedding day and think "ugh". Good luck!

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Because STD's aren't sent ten million years ago - they should be sent 8-6 months prior to the wedding which is an appropriate amount of time to mark something on your calendar. And to follow up on that - they whole point of a STD is to say "hey keep this date free we would love for you to be here with us"

To ask someone to clear their schedule and then to reneg on that is just plain rude, any way you slice it.

@OP - I get that you weren't aware of the BF at the time the engagement invites went out, and it was great that he was still able to be included. Considering they are still together, both attended the engagement party AND received a STD pretty much solidifies they should receive an invitation.

View Quoted Comment The date you created the guest list really doesn't have bearing on this situation. It is the date the invites go out. I started making my guest list 2+ years before my date in order to check out appropriate venues. A lot can happen in that time -- some people have met and married their spouses, for certain! Honestly, I have seen many friendships end over SO's not being invited to weddings, so if you don't care about the friendship enough to include him, I would just not invite either of them. I say that 100% honestly.
A good tip for anyone that is starting to formulate their guest list is to assume everyone will have a SO when you create your list. That way, you will have budgeted $ and space for everyone. Then when invite time rolls around, you can decide whether or not to offer plus ones to truly single people or to put that money towards something else (or even better, save it!)