NWR - Need your opinions on moving for husbands career

Cont. I've never considered moving away from my home and I'm trying to find a middle ground on the subject. My FH feels like I act as though my family is more important than him and while I want to be fair and keep an open mind, the more I think about picking up and moving to a different state, the more I want to stay. I don't want FH to feel resentful toward me if I tell him there's no way I'll go, but if I give in I feel like I'm going to hate him for making me be apart from my family.

Anyone have any suggestions on how to talk more in-depth without letting our emotions take over? Anyone been in a similar situation?

Not having benefits is huge. It will be an even bigger factor when/if you decide to have children.

Take the emotion out of it and look at the big picture. Make a list of pros and cons.

What if you told FH you were staying and he said okay, he's taking the job anyway.

If you move, it's not like you could never move back.

Attitude is everything. If you give it a shot, you just might love it.

If I had a life changing dream job opportunity and H didn't want to move because he would miss his family too much, I 100% would end up resenting him for it.

My fiance moves every few years for work and I have moved several times with him during the relationship leaving my job and everything behind to start over in a new state. So far ive lived with him in California, Arizona and now Chicago and already know we will continue to move every few years for his career. We actually just moved to Chicago this year during the wedding planning process.

While growing up FH moved a lot for his dads career so he was never in one state or country for very long so this is normal to him. I had the hardest time leaving Arizona since we were there for 5 years and I had built up a career and friends there. For me I know that I want to be there to support FHs career (he is a VP of products for IT companies) and every time he gets recruited by a new company and we decide move it is only for a much better career opportunity that gets him one step closer to his goal of becoming a CEO. It might be a little different with me because I knew this is what I was getting into when we started the relationship and I knew that his career was going to be the main focus.

I think you should be open to going. When we did our last move we wrote out a list of pros and cons between staying where we were and moving. I did not want to move but FH did. After making our list I realized I needed to be okay with moving since it was the best thing for my FH's career and the pros for him outweighed my cons.

I agree with @We'llAlwaysHaveParis and @Samantha. Make a list of the pros and cons and look at it from an objective point-of-view. This move could be a really great thing for the both of you. No one says it has to be forever.

My mother moved from Ukraine to the USA with her husband and kids (me! and my bro) and left her parents behind for years until they moved to the U.S. 8 years later ... and her brother and SIL only moved to the U.S. a few months ago ....

So yeah, moving across the country isn't the end of the world. You will have family visit and visit them as well. It might be worth it for a better future.

I can empathize with how hard it is to move. I lived in the same county my whole life, and am close with my family. What it came down to for me was that he lives in a different state, and I want to marry him. I am prioritizing my [future] marriage relationship over all others, which certainly doesn't mean that I will never see my family--just that he gets preference. You have to talk with your FH and decide if this job offer is something that would be a good choice for the two of you as a couple. If it is, my advice would be to remember that you can always visit your family and go build a life with your husband.

That's rough if you are close to your family. What about your job? Is it easy to find a new job out there? I'm a little worried of the fact that he would be joining a new company that doesn't have the history of a succesful business, yet. But I am not close to my family so I wouldn't mind moving out of state. We have talked and he said if he choose one route in his career path, we will have to move to a different state for 1-2 years. Since I did not go to college, it's easier for me to follow his career path. Though I'm making 50k and have great benefits, so it would be hard to leave that. But you will need to weigh all of the possibilities. As Paris said, benefits are a giant factor. And sometimes it's worth it chasing a job if it pays better. You never know.

I would make a pro and cons list, and have a conversation about a trial period. Can you move for one or two years, and if it sucks, you both agree to move back?

Be careful about chasing a job just because "it pays better". There are some areas of the country where the increase in pay does not outweigh the cost to live there.

Example: I could make 20% more doing what I do in CA instead of AZ... but the houses are 3x more expensive, the state taxes for sales/income are higher, car registration and gas are higher...

My BFF has moved to 4 different cities in 8 years for her husband's career. The first move was from his home city to a place in the middle of nowhere where she knew no one. She said it was hard at first. But she found a job, got involved in a church there and made friends. They ended up moving back to her hometown 4 years ago and then again 2 years ago to another city 1/2 way across the country. Again she knew no one there. But she got involved with a church there, meet people through her daughter's playgroup. Now they are moving back again to his home city.

Yes, it's hard to leave your family and friends. But your FH, soon to be DH is also your family. You must decide what is good for your family and your family in the future. If you do decide to move, try to get involved in activities you like. You'll soon make new friends.

^ true, unless you're Ashley / Sarah / Ashley / Rachel. Then you're hosed.

Thanks everyone. There's plenty to think about. We don't have kids yet but plan to in 2 or 3 years. I always envisioned my kids growing up with family around (my sister has 3 and my other sister is due with her first later this year). I have a great job that I would have to give up (over $100k) and I've been looking on indeed and a few other sites to see what's positions are open and nothing so far has interested me or would pay even close to what I make now. I think the pro and con list will help, but my emotional attachment here is huge. Plus FH plans to be traveling with the new position so I feel like I'll be left in a new city to start over by myself.

I would also factor in how it will affect your "new" family. For me - I currently make the money. 4x what husband makes (depending on his commissions, usually more like 2-3x). If he got a job elsewhere that made more money, and I'd have to leave my job...but his new job would allow me to stay home with kids? A heartbeat. Where we are now there's no chance I'll ever get to stop working. If his new job was a minor increase in pay and benefits, it probably wouldnt be worth it for us.

How much travelling would he actually be doing? What's the distance for the move? Would the new company negotiate for him to work remotely from current location and travel from there, possibly?

Pros and cons list will help. Tough decision, but your family with FH should be your priority as a married couple. Your family is, of course, still important, but you have to focus on you two first. Best of luck!

Thanks Stephanie! The job would only be a small increase, but the actual work more enjoyable for him. That's part of what he's excited about. He said it would be the position he has always wanted. Pay would go from $37k/yr to $48k, but for me to leave a job that I've been at for seven years and now make six figures just doesn't seem smart. We're in milwaukee now and would be moving the Grand Rapids Michigan. Not really a place I would ever pick to live and I feel pretty pessimistic about finding a position that would pay me close to what I make now. Part of me feels like I'm crushing his dream.

It's definitely a tough call. But he needs to take you into consideration as well.

Is your job one that you could do remotely from MI? At least then you'd have that still, and maybe they'd need you to fly back a few weeks a year and pay for your visit

If you're renting a home, I'd probably take the risk (and it is a risk). If you own your home, it's not quite as easy to pick up and follow an out of state job offer.

You wrote, "One of the suppliers who develops the technology (lights and sirens) is looking to start their own dept building the cars and wants to hire a person to run the dept and also travel the country to train their distribution partners on new product. It's a pretty amazing opportunity...". Looking to start something isn't the same as moving into an established position. Based on that, I understand your hesitation. Is there any chance they would agree to an employment contract (maybe a guaranteed three years at an agreed upon salary)? At least you'd have some measure of security if the company's new venture didn't wok out.

FWIW, Grand Rapids is a great place to live and really not that far from Milwaukee--I think in the summer there's a ferry that goes across Lake Michigan so it's super quick! That being said, the economy in MI isn't the best (though it's better on the west side of the state). I think you and FH need to sit down and go through the pros and cons. If you make that much more money than he does, it doesn't seem worth it to move both of you for a slight increase. But if he doesn't like his job, that's not good either. Has he looked for something new in the area or just closer by? Tried to get a promotion/raise at his current job?

I'm biased because we will likely be moving for my job in a few years, away from FH's family. But I told FH that this will be a decision we will make together so that it benefits both of us. I think that's the only fair way to do it.

For better or worse. . . I'm an Army Brat and don't look at it like everyone else. I've spent my entire life moving from place to place. I also happen to be moving to live with him after the wedding, giving up my family support and security. Or the physical closeness as my family will always be there to support me. It's and adventure and will help you to grow as a person too. It's scary, it's sad, it's hard, but if it's for you and your future family may be worth the risk. You have Skype, FB and WW . . things I would have loved to have had to keep me connected. It is emotional, but both of you need to be open minded. If you're not it will never be a good conversation. And it will never be an easy conversation. We had it very early on as to who was going to go where (LDR) if things should get this far so I have an advantage. I beg of you not to let comfort and fear keep you from something wonderful. Maybe see a counselor to help you talk it out.

You can always move back home, buy another house and reconnect with family if it doesnt work out.

Thanks again everyone for your points of view. It really helps to hear from others looking in, keeps me from being too one-sided!

I do own my own home (purchased before FH and started dating), so that's another challenge to deal with. The job offer doesn't include any info on relocation, spouse support, etc so that is all a mystery at this point (things that would be helpful that I don't think the small company is prepared to offer).

I asked FH if he would be able to take on the training and just travel out of Milwaukee instead of moving and all, he just said "no". Not sure if he will take that back to the company and see if it's an option or not. I'm thinking that I will stay open minded on the subject, but with the compromise that he also apply for other Milwaukee area jobs that might not be exactly what he wants, but pays more. He's a talented guy. We know for sure that the current company in no way will ever offer benefits. One guy has worked there 30 years and still has no insurance. I can add him to my health coverage once we're married, so that's not a big deal since our wedding is next week. No 401k and low pay still sucks, but I don't think that justifies asking me to give up my whole life.

It's a hard balance for me to find. I was in a relationship in the past, where I gave up a lot of myself to be who the other person wanted. I have never felt that way with FH, but part of me puts up a defense because I promised myself I wouldn't let anyone treat me that way again. I will voice my opinion. Any other feedback is appreciated!