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nicole
Savvy September 2020

No gifts?

nicole , on September 16, 2020 at 8:53 PM

Posted in Etiquette and Advice 112

I just got married two weeks ago & we noticed a handful of people didn’t give a card/gift. Should I feel offended? Because I definitely do! I’m not trying to be greedy whatsoever.. but I NEVER go to a wedding empty handed. At this point, it’s not about the gift or money, it’s the principal. Do...
I just got married two weeks ago & we noticed a handful of people didn’t give a card/gift. Should I feel offended? Because I definitely do! I’m not trying to be greedy whatsoever.. but I NEVER go to a wedding empty handed. At this point, it’s not about the gift or money, it’s the principal. Do you say/ask anything to those guests or just leave it be?

112 Comments

  • Kimberly
    Super March 2021
    Kimberly ·
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    You ended a friendship because they didn’t give you a gift? Every consider it may have been lost in the mail or something?
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  • nicole
    Savvy September 2020
    nicole ·
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    Wow - You’re the only nasty comment on this post. How were you raised? Obviously we weren’t raised the same. That’s etiquette. You don’t go anywhere empty handed. Period.
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  • nicole
    Savvy September 2020
    nicole ·
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    YES. This what I’m saying!
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  • nicole
    Savvy September 2020
    nicole ·
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    This! 100%! I would never openly ask someone why they didn’t give a gift. I would ask politely, worried it was lost, etc as you said. The gifts are optional thing blows my mind. I don’t care if it’s $20 or $100.. it’s a respect thing in my opinion! I never go anywhere empty handed. That’s how I was raised. Especially a wedding!!
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  • nicole
    Savvy September 2020
    nicole ·
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    The gifts are optional thing blows my mind. Lol I’ve never heard of that: it’s not about the money - it’s the principal. Apparently I was raised different than most people in these comments..

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  • April
    Just Said Yes October 2020
    April ·
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    I wasn’t trying to be nasty, just straight-forward.


    Like you, I was also raised to bring a gift to an event (especially a wedding). However where we differ is that I was also raised to appreciate any gift given (physical gift or a “thank you for inviting me”) and to be thankful for what you have...Confronting a guest for not bringing a gift is saddening. It shows you are only after an object instead of the things that truly matter - a memory, a day that made someone just as equally as happy, and their presence at one of your biggest life events.
    You don’t know every person’s story - some people, especially right now, are having trouble even putting food on the table due to loss of jobs. I would be appalled if someone approached me post - wedding regarding what I did and did not give them in return for my attendance. I would be embarrassed if I was the person who didn’t have the money, and alternatively I would be the person that was flabbergasted at your question even if I did.
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  • nicole
    Savvy September 2020
    nicole ·
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    I understand where you’re coming from. I would never openly ask a guest why they didn’t give a gift… I would ask in a nice way, wondering if it was lost, etc. We actually had an issue with our cards at our reception so we’ve had to do this with a few people anyway..
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  • Shirley
    Expert November 2020
    Shirley ·
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    I would never ask about a gift. Again, you never know why people didn't give a gift, and, while it's bad etiquette not to bring one, it's also bad etiquette to inquire about one.

    There are also many valid reasons that people don't bring gifts. It is not common in my circle for adults to gift if their parents are invited to the wedding--the parents will give a gift on behalf of everyone. Cards are also very uncommon in my circle--for the weddings that did bother to put up a card table, there were maybe 2 cards on it. Everything is mailed before or after. Also, people make mistakes, they forget, they overextend themselves and can't afford it, whatever it is.

    This is really not something to keep being wound up about. It does not matter.

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  • T
    Expert May 2010
    Theresa ·
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    She's probably not the only one thinking it, though.

    Listen to yourself: I'm not greedy. I was raised right. But I want stuff! Where's my stuff? Why didn't you get me stuff?! Has it occurred to you that there is a pandemic going on? People have lost jobs, maybe can't put food on the table. Have to upgrade electronics and internet service to "send" kids to school. May need childcare. And at the moment there's no end to any of this in sight

    Would you prefer they had cancelled at the last minute and stayed home because they couldn't give you a gift? Maybe they could have just given you a card, but I can't fathom why they might not want to draw attention to the fact that they didn't give you a gift. Yet. As others have said, they have up to a year. Maybe they're waiting until they can afford it.

    And "How were you raised?" To have empathy. To be understanding. To not expect or demand things from others. To be generous and not think of myself all the time. To appreciate the little things in life and enjoy having my friends and family gathered together with me without expectation of payback. That's how I was raised.

    So, now there are 2 nasty comments on this post.

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  • April
    Just Said Yes October 2020
    April ·
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    At our engagement party we had a lost gift as well. The gift-giver was my future mother-in-law. We were just thankful she was there and part of our fun evening—it didn’t cross our minds who brought a gift. We were actually surprised that people did! We only wanted to clink glasses and celebrate our togetherness. We were surprised to have her later call us and explain what she had brought, what it was wrapped in, and if we had received it.


    I don’t believe there’s a nice way to ask if a gift was lost because that’s still assuming they sent one. I would wait to see what you end up receiving and let the potential gift-giver check in with You to see if it was delivered. If it appears that a gift wasn’t sent on a guest’s behalf, leave it at that. You probably have 50+ more years on this earth and to be consumed with a wedding gift that you probably will never remember or may not use is just not worth it. And the effect it may have on the person who wasn’t able to provide you one, that could be extremely bothersome to them.
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  • Cassandra
    Devoted September 2021
    Cassandra ·
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    I understand your frustration, but at the of the day we should never invite guests to wedding for gifts- so they should never be expected.


    I just had a small wedding with only our bridal party and parents. Only 2 of my bridesmaids got “us” gifts (aka lingerie). I was not at all offended that the other guests didn’t. To be fair they are all in our bridal party so I also feel like gifts are definitely not necessary. We are also having a big wedding next year so I think gifts 2 times is also not necessary. The wedding was also out of town and most people booked hotel rooms for 2-3 nights so I also understood it was expensive for them. However, this might be a completely different situation than yours.
    In general though I would never show up to a wedding without previously sending a gift or bringing one. I personally don’t think it’s classy, but we invite people to our wedding because they matter to us. So I don’t think it’s worth confronting anyone or holding onto any resentment.
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    Up to a year was true before modern transportation and shipping. I have never seen a wedding or general etiquette book that said later than 6 weeks after their return from honeymoon , which pretty much means 2 to max 3 months. And sometimes , registries or other stores get backlogged, and do not send very popular registry items bought within a couple weeks of a popular wedding day.
    I ordered off registries 3 stand mixers in late May for a May and a June and an early july wedding. They processed all orders at the time, but the May one shipped 5 weeks later, the June and July the first week of August. The registries reflected the purchase, and an estimated date. But that is the latest I have ever had before the store simply says not available. And I was wondering why I did not get a thank you, and until they checked their registries ( and one bride said about 20 no gift, only 2 back ordered, gifts) so until it arrived, they did not know who it would be coming . from. When it finally arrived, they called, and I never jad known it was missing. Or I would have said, it is on it's way.
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  • Kaitlyn
    Dedicated December 2021
    Kaitlyn ·
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    Leave it be!! These times are very uncertain with the economy being so dead and so many out of work (CA is one of the worse states to be hit with economic hardships and most people haven’t even gotten their LWA (Lost Wages Assistance) that Trump had executive ordered/signed in early August). Did you have a bridal shower? Did those people give you something for your bridal shower, if so that’s usually what they gave for you for your wedding present. I’m a engaged to Navy man and my bridal shower is next month, I’m trying to be very flexible (fiancé is in the Navy and stationed in Japan and I live in Southern CA) and we may not be able to have a wedding at all because he can’t leave the country (thanks a lot Rona) we are looking into double proxy but we are Catholic and have to get permission to marry outside of the church and the church usually isn’t okay with proxy-marriages much less a double proxy marriage 😔 maybe they will send something later.
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  • nicole
    Savvy September 2020
    nicole ·
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    I’m not angry... I was just raised different.
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  • nicole
    Savvy September 2020
    nicole ·
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    You both are blowing this way out of proportion. Giving a gift is optional? No. You don’t ever go somewhere, especially a wedding, empty handed. I would be so embarrassed! It’s not the gift, it’s the principal. & “ i want stuff”??? You’re missing the point. Are you not reading my replies? It’s NOT ABOUT THE AMOUNT GIVEN!! It’s about your character. It’s just the right thing to do. I don’t expect extravagant gifts. I understand the world is different. Thanks for your opinion. 👋
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  • nicole
    Savvy September 2020
    nicole ·
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    Totally agree. I’m really not mad about it - I just never heard of having a year to give a gift, or even that gifts are optional. Just seems crazy to me because I’m not used to that. I was just asking what others thought, that’s all..
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  • nicole
    Savvy September 2020
    nicole ·
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    Totally agree. As previously stated, I would never ask somebody why they didn’t bring a gift. I would ask, in a nice way, if it could’ve gotten lost. I was just taught different, and I wanted to see what others thought. It’s not about the gifts, it’s just the principle and the persons character..
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  • nicole
    Savvy September 2020
    nicole ·
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    EVERYONE - i’m learning on this site that you have to be very detailed in your questions, otherwise you get attacked like crazy. I would never come out and ask somebody why they didn’t bring me a gift. What I meant to say was, I would ask in a nice way, if it could have gotten lost, etc. Please, it is not about the gift! Or the amount given! It’s just the principle of the situation. I was always taught to never go empty-handed to anything, especially a wedding. So, when someone comes empty handed, i felt offended. It seems very tacky & not classy. Reading through the replies, I understand where you are coming from. There still are people that do agree with me though. I made this post just to see what others thought, my intention was not to come off greedy or offensive. No more nasty comments please, got your point loud and clear!
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  • Shirley
    Expert November 2020
    Shirley ·
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    It's not acceptable to ask if a gift got lost. It's rude and presumptuous.

    Not giving a gift is not necessarily a character failure. I am an etiquette freak, so I get being put off to some extent, but this is to the point of being uncharitable. People typically do the best they can.

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  • Vicky
    VIP January 2020
    Vicky ·
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    Principle, not principal.

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