Name Change Identity Crisis :(

What's the most important end result to you? Keeping your last name? Having your child's last name match yours? Having the same name as your husband? Whichever it is, just do it. You can only pick one, though. Whether its traditional or not, do what you want.

I didn't love giving up my name. But the MOST important thing for me was for us to share a last name. So I swallowed my pride and did it for him/us.

Also.....and this may be an unpopular opinion, but here goes. Think about your kid. I know there are many kids who have different last names as their parents with no problems. BUT, personally, I wouldn't chose to for my child to have a different last name as either of us, if I could help it. I think it creates the possibility of confusion, and I would rather avoid that. Just another way to look at it

Disclaimer -- didn't read the whole thread.

Personally, choosing to keep my name. It's something I've always identified with, and not something I feel comfortable giving up. Just me.

When/if we choose to have children, the children have his name, and at that point I will consider making my name hyphenated. Personally, I wouldn't want my kids to be left with the hyphen. I'd rather take it myself. Again, just me.

I love my maiden last name, and its very unique. Never met someone so far with the same last name as mine. So I absolutely get where your coming from. My last name is my biological dads last name, and once I change it to my FH's last name my dad's last name will be all but gone. My dad's sister and brother (deceased) never married so there is no line of lineage that will continue on. So it falls on my older sister, and I to continue on with carrying our last name into the future. She isn't even anywhere near getting married, and as for me even though I love my complicated last name I am going to change it over to FH's last name once we're married. I just couldn't see us being a family while I still held on to my original last name (that's just me though).

On that topic I don't believe that if I switch my last name to his, that I will be losing who I am in any way. I'll still be me no matter what last name I take, just have a NEW last name is all. I'm in no way trying to tell you what you need do with your situation, just merely saying I understand where your coming from is all. Best of luck with the problem.

So if neither of you want to give up your names - then hyphenate the baby's last name. Both sides win and the baby has both of your last names.

I get your point of not wanting to concede and change your name when he isn't willing to change but Marriage is about compromise. If your not willing to comprise, I think you will have a lot more issues down the road.

Okay I'll play as someone who's FH changed his name "for marriage" just last month. I understand your reasons, however they are coming across, as many others have said, whiney, childish, and immature.

I feel like you're trying to make this about compromise, and I think that's your best argument. You're not compromising with FH by keeping your last name. You wouldn't be compromising with FH by giving the child your last name either. So I think in order to have a better argument you need to make sure FH "wins" one of these major battles.

Honestly, from the sounds of it your FH was just going along with your idea for creating a new name, and now that the reality of the situation is now here and he needs to start the process he no longer wants to. Which also probably means he never liked the idea that much to begin with. I'd start getting the new last name idea out of your head, and just act like that was never an option, because I feel like that's causing a lot of stress.

I just see this as a power struggle between the wife and FH. In a marriage isn't the wife supposed to be honored to take the FH's last name? I know I am. I too am very sentimental of my last name. It is my grandmothers last name who raised me and who suddenly passed away when I was 16 years old. I have had that last name for 40 years but I know at some point I have to move on with my life and I think you should to.

I highly doubt him changing his last name would prevent him from progressing in his career. It would be different if he was someone like a Lawyer, or Real Estate agent, or a field where your name is how you're identified in a community.

You should talk to him more and relay everything you've said to us. I don't think you're wrong at all for wanting to keep your name, and those who look down on you for it should be ashamed. Marriage is a compromise, and he can compromise with you, too.

Again, this is really between you and your fiancee. There's been a few options presented in this forum, and I would suggest talking to him about all of them. Ask him why HE doesn't want to change his name, maybe even talk to his mom and relay the same key points.

In the end, it's totally okay to want to keep your last name, to even identify with it. If my brother didn't have my father's last name, I wouldn't change mine either!

I agree with Annakay and Mrs A& J, you need to think about the baby. I am sorry, but no matter how progressive 2015 may be, if I met a child who had a different last name from their mother I would assume she is not the biological mother or that she is not married to the father. Period. I would't think about how maybe she didn't want to "bow" down or whatever you are complaining about. If I were you, I would take your husbands last name so you, baby and FH will all be the same. It will be easier on your child and for you in the long run.

My niece legally has a hyphenated last name and she has never gone by it. She only uses her dad's last name. So, even if you hyphenate it, your child will probably still only use one last name.

A woman is "supposed to be honored" to change her name - WTF? It amazes me how many women are still so closed minded about this issue and believe that women should just change their names because that's how it's "supposed to be". Do you all also believe that homosexual couples shouldn't be allowed to marry because marriage is "supposed to be" between a man and woman? Give me a break.

A woman is supposed to make her own choice, whatever that may be. So do whatever you want with YOUR name, but stop being so judgey about the choices of other women.

And Mrs Bubs - if you are closed minded enough to make incorrect assumptions about a woman's children / spouse based on her last name, that is YOUR problem, not hers. The OP doesn't have to make her choice to make things easier for clueless people like you.

Point is, the child should take the name of the father (IMO). What you do with your own name is entirely up to you. Whether you change it or keep it or hyphenate it, it doesn't matter because it's what you want. But don't force him to change his name just because you don't want to change yours unless he does too.

Why are we having this conversation again? You did this a few months ago and got the same response... Why bring it up again?

Who knew there could be so much "drama" about changing your name. Just don't do it. Especially if your FH doesn't care if you have it or not. As far as a kid goes, either hyphenate or give him/her your FH's last name. My son's last name is hyphenated because I didn't know if FH and I would make it and I wanted my son to have my last name, especially since he will be the only boy to carry that name. I never plan on changing it to just FH's last name either, only if my son requests, will I drop my last name from his. I could also care less what anyone would think about having a different last name then my FH or my son. That's a very trivial thing to judge someone about.

Just give the baby your last name as a middle name and keep yours. Were you two intending to get pregnant before finalizing your decision on this?

Personally, I feel that regardless of what year it is, my FH proposed to ME. There are some women who do the proposing, but I'm sure most women in this thread were proposed to. So, it seems that you are picking and choosing what traditions should be "thrown out with the bath water" in a selfish way. Since my FH asked me to marry him, I have no problem accepting his last name. Even though his last name is way more difficult to pronounce and I know it will be slaughtered by many people, I am happy to take it. I think there is symbolism in taking the husband's name, and no matter how progressive I am in other areas, personally that's something I still value. Since you don't, just keep your last name and hyphenate your baby's as many others have suggested.

Emily- I am not clueless. I am being honest. It is still 99% the norm for a woman to take her husband's last name, therefore future children also have the husband's last name. I do not personally know one person who has not taken their husband's last name after getting married. MOST people who meet OP and her child in life will also share this way of thinking.

The issue that I posted about a few months ago was that we had decided on a new name, and when we finally started telling our friends and family what it was, we didn't get a very good reaction. So we were trying to come up with a new name that sounds better. And that's great and all about everyone's FH proposing to them, but mine said, "What do you think about getting married?" And we had an adult conversation about what it would mean and how the details would work, et cetera. That's how we do things. This is the first issue in our entire relationship that we haven't been able to reason our way to both of us being 100% happy. Even on little date nights, if we see a movie he doesn't particularly want to see, he picks the restaurant. We're just both very headstrong people who are used to being the ones in charge. Neither of us are submissive people at all, but one has to be here.

PS- I promise I won't give a tiny fraction of a rat's ass if some uppity mom at my child's school think's I'm not married to his/her dad. No worries, but thanks for your concern.

For those of you that said compromise doesn't mean everyone gets their way all the time, but that one person might get their way now and another may get their way later, that was legitimately good advice, thank you.

It's not 99% the norm. It's more like 2/3 the norm, and that widely varies by population/geography too.. I went to a women's college that is feminist-oriented and almost no one that comes to Alumnae weekend has the same name as their husband. I got some comments for getting married young and changing my last name.

Kendra, what about giving the baby your last name as a middle name and FH's as a last name and both of you keeping yours? I know that you don't want to be the odd one out, but even if you were hyphenating, one name needs to go first. If you don't know what you want to do about your name, you can always wait and decide later.

^^^ this was my suggestion also. I don't think she cares for it