Name Change Identity Crisis :(

I don't have a solution but I just wanted to take the time to tell you.... I get it. I understand how you feel.

I understand feeling like you're losing yourself. I understand that the whole wedding/ getting married process feels like you're trying to make everyone happy, learn to be a good wife, and a good daughter in law. Most of the wedding stress, at least in my case, has been centered around making others happy. Your name feels like the last straw. When does he give something? When/where does he sacrifice who he is? Or at least, why are you "required" to sacrifice your identity?

I hope you're able to convey how passionate you feel about your name to your future husband. I hope he's willing to sacrifice being looked at as odd by strangers over making your dreams come true.

You keep commenting about how you don't care what other people think of the name difference....to beat a dead horse, do you care what your kid may think? How it might make them feel?

Believe me, I'm all for girl power. I strongly believe women can be who they want, keep their name, the whole shebang. I just urge you BOTH to think about how it may affect your kid. That's all.

Mrs. A&J: I thought about that too, but (not to put words into her mouth) I think she plans to raise her children to think of the situation the same way she does.

I'm just going to say it... this thread is going in circles. Keep your name, change your name, do whatever you want. I don't think this is about compromise. The more this thread drags on, the more it seems like you just want your way. In my experience, digging in your heels, and being irrational does not set you on the path to resolution... I'm not trying to be mean, just reasonable. Someone gave me some cheesy advice once, but it does still help give me perspective. Picture yourself on the moon. Look down at the earth and ask yourself if it's really that big of a deal. IMO, in the grand scheme of things so many more things are more important than getting bent out of shape over a name (i.e. your health, baby's health, good communication and loving relationship with FH, etc). YOU are making this a bigger issue than it needs to be by making it complicated. To each their own, I guess.

Also, I have to agree with whomever said that basically it just sounds like you are unwilling to budge because you don't want to be the one to "lose" this battle. I am not changing my last name and even I feel like this isn't so much about the principle of it or identify so much as you just want to win the fight with your FH. I'm sorry to say that if that's the case, you really have a long parenting road ahead of you, especially considering that this parenting choice #1. What happens when he doesn't want the first name you do? Or when he wants the baby to go to public and you want private? Etc etc. Really take a step back here and think about things.

This blew up. I have a friend that had a similar challenge. She was very successful in her career and couldn't think of giving up her name. So she hyphenated. Her DH was very adamant that the kids they have carry his last name. She was fortunate enough that she had a last name that would work well as a first name. It was Eli. So she went from *Jane Eli to Jane Eli-Smith. Her son's name is Eli Smith. Totally works.

Here is the thing, your child will no know any different about your last name, or that it isn't a tradition or whatever. Do what is best for your family and don't be apologetic about it.

I personally am very attached to my name. It is who I am just as much as his name is who is he is.

Sure...the world around us may say the "normal" form is to take a husbands name (or if you decide not to do that then for sure to give your child his last name.).

I don't really feel the need to go along with that and it sounds like you have a lot of self identity in your name and don't feel the need to go along with the status quo. I can't change the world but I can change the way I do things. And so for me I kept my last name (and it is what I use in pretty much all situations). I added his on and I don't use it but its there just incase someone cares (which would mostly be his family). He wasn't comfortable changing his last name to mine (and because he never asked me to change my name for him I was ok with him not changing his either).

I personally wouldn't have married a guy that wasn't ok with my last name being on our children (seriously who goes through more work in this process). And with that I am equally ok if he wants to have his last name on our children. So tada 2 last names it is (Hyphen or no hyphen...that hasn't been decided yet. Also the order of last names is still up for debate but we will figure that out later).

I get tired at the world that says it ok for a guy to say I MUST have my last name on my children or on my bride to show his love or care but that it isn't normal for a women to say I MUST keep my last name (or you MUST take my last name) or that my children MUST have my last name.

I think each women should decide for herself what fits her when she gets married or has children but I dislike the instant (non thought involved) taking of someone elses last name just because of a society norm.

I feel proud to know some guys that have taken their last wives names along with keeping their own names. I feel like these people help open the way for a different more open future.

Good luck in this process as it isn't an easy one...

After reading through this whole thread, I have to say that I think JK8115 is on point here!

It seems like the name isn't really that important to either of you because you were both willing to change it. Compromise or whatever else you want to say that is. The fact is there is some scenario where you are ok with changing your name.

You keep saying the real reason is you dont want to back down. And it seems like he is ok if you guys have separate names but wants the baby to have his last name. So to me it seems like he has already compromised, and you are the one still unhappy.

I agree that this does not seem to be about your last name, or feminism or any of that. It might have started that way, but that doesnt seem to be the case anymore. I remember your original thread about you guys coming up with a last name, and how happy you were with it. I didn't understand then why you didn't just tell everyone else to go away and just did what you wanted. It seems like that is alot less grief than this is. AND you guys were both happy. Who cares about what anyone else thinks? This is about you two, and if you want to flaunt tradition than do it in a way that makes you both happy. Don't just start arguing with everyone just to have the fight.

Kahlcara, I think those women you mention who keep their last names are typically settled in a career. It's more unusual for a younger woman to not take her husband's last name which Kendra is.

Kendra, you finally said it. You're headstrong. Trust me when I say, you will run into a lot more issues if this isn't worked on. Like I said before, long married couples suggest never to expect 50/50 if you want to be happy. It's just not realistic. And at some point, you should get tired of keeping score.

I read most of the comments what about ditching your middle name and using your maiden name as a middle name and taking your husbands name? That way you can keep your name and have the same name as the rest of the family? I don't have a middle name but this is something i am considering.

Hyphenate like this YourLastName-HisLastName, and give that same last name to the kid. Done. It seems like the best solution, even if it's long. I really don't think there's a better solution.

I see why you'd want to keep your current last name, but why would you so easily give up that last name if your FH was to change his last name to a new one? Or did I misunderstand something?

Why is this thread still a thing, very circular.

Didn't you want to change your name to Diesel...I think not doing that would be best.

Why is this still going??!! This was dead. It's been brought back to life. WHY?

Idk why this is alive again but I'll say it: Sounds like pregnancy hormones all around. Good luck with whatever choice you make Kendra.

I don't really have any advice, but I've been following this thread since Sunday (and the one you posted before). I happen to be marrying a traditionalist. I never thought I'd marry a gun-toting, conservative, but he's the guy for me. He understands my (feminist) viewpoint on things and after having the conversation multiple times, he would accept if I kept my last name. But our children would have his...we've argued it before, but he has a daughter only, and his brother is unmarried, and I already have 2 cousins with sons, if you want to look at it traditionally, to pass on the family name. What I have decided is to add his last name to the end of mine. This way I'm not giving up my middle name (from my mother's family) or my last name (my father's), therefore I am not losing my identity. I am adding on to my identity because of all the things I've been in my life to this point, I've never been a wife, specifically his wife. And when we do have children, they will most certainly have a name that is from my family. But there will be name cohesion because we will be a family. I do think, but nothing about him changes. That's something I have learned to accept. It's not always going to be fair. But he will be my husband, and he will be the father of my children, so his identity will change as well. I'm honestly not telling you to do anything, I think you have to figure out what's most important to you and just go with that. I'm sure it'll be the right decision. Best of luck!

Erin, seeing as how I've been a woman who has experienced the way being pregnant can influence a person's feelings, yes, I feel free to blame it the way a woman feels on pregnancy hormones.

Once you have experienced this firsthand, you may change your perspective on that. In the first few months especially, it is rough and emotions can be out of control.

Ugh I thought this thread died too. Just some final remarks-

Emmy- No it wasn't Diesel.

JK8115- I have told him for years that I hate this tradition and it doesn't make sense to me and I will not be partaking. He agreed with me and now changed his mind. Yeah, that's my pregnancy hormones. *Eye roll*

Erin- Thank you, someone who finally understands what I'm saying.

Okay, maybe that eye roll was pregnancy hormones. My apologies.

Okay, or maybe you are just rude in general... good luck fighting with your husband for eternity

I just genuinely apologized for the eye roll comment, I certainly wasn't trying to be rude. I mean, I apologized to KirstinMichelle earlier in the thread and told her that I didn't mean to sound hateful about other people's decisions, and if she wants to do it then I am supportive of that, but I don't want to do it myself. I have mentioned also that I don't want to make FH do something he doesn't want to do. I'm having a hard time seeing where I was rude. I've also mentioned that this is literally the only issue where we haven't been able to reason our way into being 100% happy with the outcome. I post that this is the one issue that we're butting heads on, and know you know me well enough to know I'm going to fight with my husband for eternity? And I'm the one in the wrong?