Name Change Identity Crisis :(

First time I got married I added his last name and used my last name as my middle name. I was Robin Smith Jones on all paperwork BUT called myself Robin Smith. My business cards still said Robin Smith. I only used my name but my legal name was his name. You should try that! This way your family will have the same name so at the pediatrician you'll be Mrs husbands last name but at work, etc you will still be Kendra Cool Last Name. Now I'm divorced. I have my original last name. My 21 year d son has his fathers last name. FH has his last name. I'm not changing it again.

I have two sister in laws that both kept their maiden name after marriage . One sister in law gave her maiden name to the kids . The other one gave the kids her husbands last name . I say do whatever works for you .

I don't think you need to pick just one reason, I just think that you need to tell him what your reasons for wanting to keep your name are, aside from him not feeling connected to his name. Maybe he's feeling more connected to it now that he's thought of having a child with that name, or something else that has changed his view on his name. Ask him what has changed since him being okay with changing to a new name, listen to his reasons, and figure out what you're going to do with your child's name. I know someone who didn't change her name until she had a kid, and then it was about sharing a name with her son, not sharing a name with her husband. I would really focus on coming up with something that feels right to both of you about your child's name, which might take a while to figure out, and then take your time to decide what feels right about your name. Just try and tackle it as a "who are we as a family" conversation instead of "me vs him" conversation. And I truly mean it, good luck, it's tough to work through these conversations.

You could consider something totally new: You both keep your last name, both of you move it to your middle or use it as a one of two last names and the use the new one you both created as the official. For example Kendra (whatever your last name is now) (Whatever new name you both chose that you didn't have before) and he would be (His first name) (his now last name) (both your new chosen last name). The baby would get the new name and both of your "old names" would not be in the child's name. Just the new one that way you all share the same last name, but both don't give up your names now completely.

Kendra boo you making this to difficult. Just you last name you middle name and take his last name. When it comes to the children have it their first name middle name your last name his last name no hyphen. let him keep his name. keep it simple sweetie. you stressing over nothing. I have a last name that after my generation no one will have. its ok. you know your history.

I was trying to follow this, but it is friggin' exhausting.

Kendra--I totally understand why you have an identity with your name and wouldn't want to change it. My grandmother is 98, the matriarch of our close-knit family, and had 3 daughters who all changed their last names to their husband's and made their maiden name their middle names. But rather than seeing the family lineage lost, each of their children were the maiden name as their middle names. Only 3 of the cousins have had children, but 2 of them passed the name on as the middle name again. If you did the same, and instilled in your future child the same reverence for family that you clearly have (both in your desire to keep your unique and important name AND in the compromise of keeping a cohesive family with your new nuclear unit by yielding to FH's name wishes), I think you might see the same sort of attachment. I know it's not the advice you were looking for (ie a way to change FH's mind), but it worked for our family. Either way, good luck!

I'm with you Monica!

You'd rather your baby have a random last name that you and FH *made up* than his families last name? Do you have something against his family?

Also, this: 'But we recently found out we're expecting and it's really important to him that his children have his name.'

Traditionally children take their fathers name, and it's really important to your FH that his children have his name…so why not let him have this?? It's not like he's asking for something unusual.

What about each keeping your name, and naming the baby "Firstname Yourlastname Hislastname"? That's what my parents did--my mom never changed her name, so I have her last name as my middle name, and my dad's last name as my last name. I often use both my middle and last name because my last name is very common, so including the middle name makes it more unique. Then when I get married, I'll add FH's last name to the end of everything...but that's a different story. :-)

Would it be an option for him to take your last name as his middle name and you take his last as your last? Then you could all three have the same two last names and could introduce however was best for the situation...

He'd still have his original name for work situations and mom situations, you'd get to keep yours, and baby would have same names as both of you?

I don't think you need to make up a new one if you BOTH want to keep the ones you have!

My aunt didn't take her husbands last name. She kept hers and her children have her husbands last name. My daughter has her bio dad's last name which doesn't match me. I'm still her mom. If you don't want it take your husbands name, why would you force him to take yours. I agree w JHazel if you think it's ok to change your name to new name, why be so mad that FH wants you to have his last name.

Kendra- I have a different last name from my mom and it has actually benefited me and never been a bad thing. As a previous poster said, unfortunately it's so common nowadays that it doesn't mean anything when a mom has a different last name than their children

As a person who is also pregnant right now (with my 2nd child), let me say this... Pregnancy causes all sorts of crazy hormonal and emotional changes during the 1st trimester. I would just try to settle into the pregnancy for a little bit and adjust to your new normal. You don't need to decide tonight. You don't even need to decide right after the wedding. You really have until the baby comes. Try to focus on staying healthy, getting enough rest and staying connected to your FH and you'll know what feels right before the time comes.

I don't understand you both changing your last name. If the issue is you not wanting to change your family name, you would still be doing that by choosing a random name. Also regarding heritage, neither one of you would be passing on your last name to your child if you picked a new one. If he doesn't even have his deadbeat dad's last name, what is the relevance and why ask him to change it?

I'm with Monica.

If FH wants to keep his last name, let him, if you don't want to give up yours, then don't. Perhaps give baby your last name as his/her middle and FHs last name as the last.

Of course, you can keep your name but the baby will automatically have his last name unless you specifically give it your maiden name (which I agree with your fiance, it should have his name). I think you should also change your last name so that you will have the same last name as your child. Otherwise, people (like your child's educators, etc.) will assume you aren't the child's biological mom or that you and your husband aren't married.

Honestly, I LOVE my last name but the main reason I am changing it is because I want to have the same last name as my future children. I am changing my name so my maiden name will become a second middle name. I can't just give it up completely!

Another option of course is to hyphenate yours so that you keep your maiden name and still share a name with your child.

Not meaning for it to be confusing or exhausting. My main number one issue is that I don't want to be the only one to give up their name or have to submit. I would *like* to keep my name and have a hyphenated last name for our baby. BUT, if he insists that his baby can only have one last name and that he and the baby should share it, I can compromise with that. I will change my name as long as he does. We're both equals, we're both coming into the relationship together, rather than me joining his family or him joining mine.

Well, Annakay, that's where we disagree. Why should it have his name? I have my mom's maiden name but not her married name. I moved schools when she got married when I was 10 and we had different last names from then on out. It has never once been a problem. I'm not concerned with that. Multiple ladies on this very thread said their children have different last names and they have no issues with it.