Name Change Identity Crisis :(

And convenience is kind of a bad reason to do something you are passionately against. I refuse to be a person who's ideals and actions don't match up. I want to raise my children to be steadfast in their values, to not do something just because that's what everyone else does. The whole, "Stand up for what you believe, even if it means standing alone." thing. If I did this I would feel like the biggest hypocrite ever. I do NOT want to at all. I don't want to tell my children, "Have integrity and stand up for your values, unless it's inconvenient. Then just go with the flow." That's not me.

Don't look at it from the point of losing something look at it from the point of gaining so much more. Compromise is awesome but it doesn't happen in every situation. That's just life

Why is this conversation just now coming up after you are pregnant and engage? Did you and your FH discuss this while your was dating? At this point it's one big mess and everyone is going to dig their heels in. Conversation like this should happen during the dating process. No matter how it end at this point someone is going to be resentful.

Did you two discuss this before getting engaged? I think the type of conviction you have about this is something that should have been ironed out farther in advance. It doesn't make sense to have him change his last name to something random just because you don't want to be the only one making a name change. Marriage is not about being tit for tat. Most people who I know who have been married a long time say if you expect things to always be 50/50, you will be miserable,

Neither of you should pressure the other person into changing their name. You will have to find a compromise for the baby, and hyphenating would probably be easiest if you each choose to keep your names. If not, one of you will be the odd person out. This is what marriage is about, compromise.

The conversation isnt' just now coming up. If you would have read thoroughly, you would know that we had both agreed to a new last name for the two of us. We were both happy with that. Then he changed his mind. Enter the problem..

Annakay, your comments are ridiculous. Even if the child's educators are dumb enough to make incorrect assumptions based on a last name, she will simply correct them and they will know that she is the mother / spouse. LOTS of women have different last names from their husbands and children. It is not uncommon and doesn't make the family less of a family unit.

How about you keep your name

He keep his name

Have more than one child and give 1 your last name and 1 his last name.

I remember the name you were thinking of using was Diesel, right? Well maybe instead of going so far off from what your names are, instead of hyphenating, maybe you could come up with something that incorporates both your last names.

For example, my FH's last name is Chu, mine is Urban...we could combine it to be Churban if we wanted. No hyphen (but I don't mind taking his, plus I can't wait to see what people think when they hear my name and see I'm not Asian. Also, we are both in the science field and want to publish a paper and have people refer to it as the Chu & Chu paper haha...sorry got side-tracked). Anyway, could you maybe take bits and pieces of your current names? That way you both aren't losing the names completely and you don't have to worry about weird hyphens and it's something new to both of you. I'd play with the names and see if there's anything you can come up with. Even basic names like Smith and Jones you could make something like Smones (though that looks like Smores...and now I want some). Anyway, keep playing with it, keep talking to him about it, and remind him that a relationship is about what is best for the both of you and your child.

Julia, that would get REALLY messy and cause the need for therapy for the kids later on in life. "Did mommy love me more because I have her bame?"

I am completely with you Kendra. Why do the children automatically get the mans last name? Because that's the way it's always been done is not a good reason and I hate that you are being pressured to change you name and give your child's name just because your the woman. I think hyphenating is a great compromise. I also know families where the female children have the moms last name and make children have the dads. May not be traditional, but it works for them.

Oh, and the baby automatically has whatever last name you write on the birth certificate... (to address incorrect info above). In the hospital, the hospital band says baby motherslastname. So it's really automatically named whatever the moms last name is.

This has been a bit hard to follow, but I wanted to give you my perspective as a divorced Mom marrying a divorced Dad. We have 3 last names we are dealing with currently...his (Smith), my maiden name (Jones), and my kids (Johnson). It is very confusing.

People address mail to The Smith Family but that excludes the Johnson kids. I ordered a personalized ornament and then realized 90% of them have the family name and nothing fits Smith-Jones-Johnson. Keep those things in mind.

I attend sporting events wearing the school "Mom" shirts with Johnson on the back. In some ways I wish I still had my kids last name, but my ex's new wife does and I do not want that title back!

All that being said...I don't regret my children having their father's last name. That is tradition. They are carrying it on and my son is the last of the "Johnson's". They are proud. If we had created a different name when we married and had kids I don't think it would have held the tradition that the given name does.

I do regret not incorporating my maiden name into my son's middle name. I would like him to have that. However, both my son and my daughter ARE Jones'. They know the stories, the family line, the heritage. They are proud.

It is so easy for me to say this because I am not in your shoes, but I would take his last name. Give it to your baby with some form of your maiden name as a first or last name. Not everything in marriage involves compromise. Sometimes you give completely. Sometimes he gives completely.

Good luck with your decision.

This is exactly why we're in premarital counseling. Our biggest debate is always about household chores. After reading this whole debacle, I'm thankful for that being or biggest issue lol.

I just work up and I'm still confused.

I'm getting the feeling this issue isn't really about names at all, but about how often you feel like you make concessions for him vs. how often you feel like he makes concessions to you. You've said a couple times that you want to be someone who demonstrates standing up for your values, no matter what, but I'm having a hard time seeing what the value you're standing for here. I don't think it's some form of "my name is my name so I don't want to change it" because you were willing to change your name, just not to his name. It feels more like the value is "don't give up something that means a lot to you unless someone else is giving it up too" which is something different.

Honesty, I would take his last name and have maiden as a middle name, the kids can share the same middle name as you and your surname lives on and your FH is happy. I totally understand your reasoning but I think that makes more sense than creating a whole new name with no tradition. It seems like something a bit deeper rooted is going on though, probably with the fact he's giving in to his mother, but I only know what's on the surface from what youve said x

I just don't understand why the name thing is such a big deal. It's just a name - it does not change who you are. I was the last person with my dad's last name... and I dropped it like it was hot when I got married the first time, and did not change back when I got divorced. I'm also considering legally changing my maiden name to my mom's maiden name because I was raised by her parents and a lot of people assume that's what it was. It's just a name... keep it if you like it, drop it if you don't.

Okay, I had to get all spun up on this and I finally got through all the comments. So here goes. I agree with Christine. It doesn't even sound like the name is the issue at all. The way you put it, it sounds like you just don't want to "bow down" to someone. It sounds like it's a deeper issue, like you feeling like you are always compromising for him already. Not wanting to change your name is fine. However, you're approaching this wrong. It's compromise. You will never be compromising 50/50 in your marriage. Ever. One person will compromise one time, then the next time the other person will compromise. If it is important for his kids to have his last name, then they should have it. This isn't something different. Most men want their kids to have their names. That's just how it is. It's ridiculous to accept both of you changing your names, but not allowing your children to take his name.

I didn't read every comment, so just in case this hasn't been suggested already...

Keep your name. He keeps his. Hyphenate the kids' names.