Name Change Identity Crisis :(

Give the baby both last names then. I think you're over thinking this

If you're feeling that passionate about not changing your name, then don't. You can't make your fiance change either. You two need to compromise on what to do about your child's name. I'm sure this is a conversation you're going to have multiple times until your kid is born. You're both going to need to talk about it and think about it and talk about it more.

I love my last name and although I would love to keep it it is more important to me that I share the same last name as FH and our children. Just have to determine what your priority is

I agree with Janeen. It seems like you've made up your mind on what you want to do, whether or not it causes any issues. I agree that you should stand up for what you think is right...and if you think changing your last name to his has some negative connotation, then don't do it...but try not to get too insulting. A lot of women, like myself, still like the idea of taking her husband's last name. There is nothing wrong with doing that.

I don't understand what it is you even want? You don't want to change your name because it's unique, but you're willing to change it to something that you both come up with. Those two comments are contradictory. It sounds like you want your FH to allow your child to keep your name, you keep your name, and then he keeps his own name? If that's the case, then have that conversation with him.

Your comments "Why should the woman have to..." is making everyone think that you don't want to change yours to his based on the principle that men shouldn't be "above" women, when you're trying to tell us that you don't want to change it to his last name because his name isn't important to him. Pick a reason, whatever it is, and stick with it.

@MRS_TB627: I am completely with you on this. I like my last name more than FH's, but it's super important to me that we share a family name with our children, so I'll be taking his last name.

OP I totally understand where you are coming from. But ultimately you both have to agree on you baby's last name. I think you should give your baby both of your last names - one as a middle and the other as a last. You have to come to an agreement though on which is the middle and which name is the last. That's the tricky part in this situation since you are both pretty adamant on what you want. Marriage is give and take - you will both have to make sacrifices / compromises as some point.

@KM Oh if you *want* to do it then by all means, take your husband's name. I have no problem with people who want to do it. But I don't want to. I did get kind of insulting about that, sorry. I shouldn't have said the tradition is bs. Feeling coerced to do it bc of expectations is what I think is really bs.

@Janeen. I am willing to change it to something new if he does. I would love to keep my name. But if he is willing to compromise then I can meet him in the middle. Compromise involves both giving and taking a little. I can give if he does.

I guess I was just hoping you guys could provide me with new ways of looking at it or how I could phrase things to him.

Check with your local area to see if it's possible but where I am you assume your married name it's not a legal name change so, as long as you don't use either name for a fraudulent purpose you can use both names. I work in law enforcement so I'll be keeping my maiden name at work and married name socially. I've checked with prosecutors in the area and they didn't care. Now this may in its own way cause an identity issue haha but it may be a way to keep your name in some way.

There are a myriad of reasons, I don't think I need to just pick one. Even if he had a huge connection with his name, I shouldn't have to be the one to yield by default. Add on top of that that he doesn't, and it makes even less sense for me to give up my name in favor of his.

So maybe the impending fatherhood is giving him the feeling that he needs to "pass something on"--hence the sudden 180 on changing his own name. It's a PITA for anyone to change their name, though, he's got a point on that. The way that you're writing in this thread shows a level of anger and bitterness toward the subject. If you want to get through to him that your name is important to you (or the new name), make sure that you're not approaching that conversation that way. Listen to his reasons as to why he wants to keep his name without trying to change his mind. And explain your own reasons. Aside from that? I have no idea. It's hard to explain how to phrase something or a new perspective based on only one side.

Kendra--you don't need to change your name immediately. What you guys need to focus on is what the baby's name will be. That's the one that can't wait.

@Kendra, I have not read the comments, but honestly, I would keep my last name, give it to my baby as a middle name and give my baby's my husbands last name. And leave it at that. I can tell you from first hand experience as a single mother, it is NOT that hard to have a different last name as your child. It will be even less hard with a ring on your finger. What MAY happen is the daycare and drs office may accidentally call you Mrs. Babys Last Name, that is all.

Okay well that's my only suggestion. You have a "myriad" of reasons, but if I were you, I would pick your strongest argument. I think your weakest point is that his name didn't matter to him before. It does now, so I would drop that. If you go with something stronger like "I don't believe in a woman taking a man's name because that's just the way it is", than I think you have a more compelling argument.

My last statement is going to be that I'm just glad I'm not in your situation (not wanting to change my name). I am marring a man who has a VERY firm stance on me taking his last name...no hyphen, no moving my last name to middle, nothing. I'm fine with that.

Let him keep his name, and have the baby take yours, since you like it and would like to keep it. That way in the family the only one with a different name would be him, not you.

I have a friend who married a costa rican guy and apparently in their culture, the kids get mom and dads last name. wife adams, groom brooks, baby adams brooks. just a suggestion.

eta: im sorry youre feeling so stressed at the moment, I can only imagine everything that's going on for you right now. I also think you might be overthinking it a bit, but if I was in your position with the wedding, baby, & name situation I would be stressed too and probably ten times worse. so even if you don't come to a conclusion through this thread, at least you got a chance to get some of it out and off your chest. I hope you guys come to an agreement and you can happily focus on your upcoming marriage and parenthood :]

You could pass your maiden name down by way of middle name, regardless of the sex of the child. This way you get the best of both worlds. You could create a tradition of all your children's firstborn having that middle name too. BTW, congrats on expecting!

Also, you could just have a double last name or hyphenate. This way you will still share a last name with him and your child but still keep your maiden name.

Based on what you're saying, I doubt he's just going to lay down and let you give the baby your last name. It clearly means a lot to you, so you have to sit down and present a logical argument without getting too "I am woman, hear me roar"-ish on him. I get it, I'm no 1950's housewife who's sole purpose is to be a Mrs. and bare children (and I don't think anyone else on here is) but there are some traditions that continue to be relevant because they are sentimental. And what happens if you fight so hard for this name to pass on and then your child goes on and changes it anyway? You're considering tossing it to make some new name up so who's to say your child won't give a damn and change it at the first chance? Would it be worth it to you after that?

I'll be changing my name to my FH's last name, not because I'm being submissive or less important than him but because I want to stand with him as a family unit. You guys are a team and while compromise goes both ways, it rarely means equal amounts of compromise on everything. Sometimes you give more, sometimes he'll give more. That's just life.