My brothers Transgender

So, the question isn't about asking your brother to fill a gender role in your wedding party, but rather "should I ask him, as a guest, to wear a suit?".

He/She is entitled to the same freedom every other guest is entitled to because, after all, this is America. Hopefully, in the year leading up to your wedding, your beloved brother will find a way to become comfortable in his/her own skin. Believe me, the last thing your brother wants is to use your wedding as some kind of "coming out transgender party".

You know how you wake up every morning and feel like a woman? So does he. Be a sister filled with unconditional love. Wrap your arms around him, kiss him on the cheek, and say, "You be yourself, sweetheart. Whether you decide to embrace your identity next week while shopping at Walmart or while sitting at Table Two at my wedding, just be there...and be you."

@Centerpiece that made me tear up a little bit. That's how everyone should be talked to when going through this.

As other's have said, you are being selfish. You need to let her wear what she wants. She's a grown adult. I wouldn't say anything anytime soon though. I would see what happens the closer you get to the event.

@the centerpiece Flowers Thank you! You are absolutely right! I feel like such a jerk for not just asking. I feel like I have been supportive towards her decision of coming out and helped her have some confidence in telling my aunt and mom. It's all very new to us and I know going forward with everyone's advice it will help her feel more support & acceptance from me. We have never been close but I try my best to be as supportive as I can. My other sister was very close to her & is having a difficult time accepting her so maybe I can help her understand & accept her for who she really is.

I agree with pp that this is a very delicate situation and attire may not be what you should be focusing on at this point, but I do have a thought on that matter.... what if you compromised and had her wear a really cute, feminine pant suit?

I feel like asking her to wear a suit would make her feel like she's not good enough for you as she is. Please don't ask her to do something that makes her uncomfortable.

A person's gender identity is not something you can ask them to hide, not is it something you can ask them to 'compromise' on with a pant suit. That's as inappropriate as asking my gay sister to come to the wedding with a man, but telling her it's okay if it's a really feminine man.

Mallory, it sounds like you understand that you're moving towards accepting your sister for who she is, and hopefully by your wedding you'll be there. Just remember that whatever discomfort you're feeling indirectly at the idea of a misgendered life, she has been feeling it directly for a very long time. This is about more than a wedding.

I have an aunt, who was identified as male at birth. She and my father are identical twins. I interviewed her for a school project when I was younger, and I still remember something she said to me. I'm going to quote as well as I'm able:

"Imagine if, every day, you were required to get out of bed, apply a fake beard and mustache. You had to stuff a pair of socks down your pants and put on clothes that felt all wrong for you. Then, you had to consciously remember to walk and talk like a man, all day and every day, from the moment you come downstairs to breakfast to the moment you go to sleep again. And if you don't, if you slip up for a second, who knows what will happen to you? Will people hurt or kill you? Will your loved ones hate you forever? Will people call you sick and send you away to a mental hospital? It's all possible and it's all unknown, and so every moment is filled with fear and agony."

Help your sister end her fear and agony, Mallory. Let her be herself, however she likes, during a happy celebration of someone she loves. You'll be happier too, remembering your wedding as a day when you were supportive and loving.

I know that you're a good person and you love your sibling. Yes she should absolutely be able to wear what she feels comfortable in, but you know that. I understand it's difficult for you to make that transition as well, my best friend is trans, he came out about a year ago. I still sometimes struggle between flipping between female pronouns and male when referring to him, even though I feel nothing but support and love for him, as I know you do for your sister. The struggle is when you know someone for so long, I knew him from being a super feminine female, to bisexual, to gay, to male and I had to keep up every step of the way Just take it one day at a time for now, don't worry about your wedding right now. Just be there for her.

ETA: my friend was a bridesman, he wore what he felt comfortable in, we just matched colors with the girls dresses and accessories. He wore a bout that matched the other guys. My photographer actually tried to hand him a bouquet for some pics (I don't think she did it maliciously) and he was going to take them because he's so damn agreeable all the time, but I jumped in and put the kibosh on that. Look out for your own!

@delphina @AshleyR. Thank you! I really appreciate everyone's input & advice it's really an eye opener too & you couldn't be more right! I couldn't imagine what it's like... I just know if I can make it easier for her she can feel more comfortable and accept it too & hopefully everyone else will too. I don't know anyone else that knows someone who is transgender or anyone that is transgender so it's really nice to get advice from someone who knows more about transgender first hand

@Mallory

If you like, you can contact the mods for my email address. I'd be really happy to help you find resources and just talk with you if you like. My family is very involved in trans-activism (we all love my aunt very much) and there are tons of resources to help family members accept and support a transition.

You may go through a period of mourning - feeling like you've lot your brother and he's never coming back. But on the other side of that is the realization that you have a sister, a wonderful sister who's always been there and whom you've always loved, and now you get to help her be happy. And even more amazingly, you're one of the few people she trusted with the truth of her life in the very beginning of her transition. Know what a trust that is, and how very much it means that your sister loves you.

She should be able to wear what she wants

Probably everyone will be comfortable with her by then. I wouldn't worry, if I were you.

@delfina thank you! That would be absolutely amazing!

The sibling of mine whom I'm closest to is transgender but identifies as non-binary. He DOES mostly use male (or occasionally gender neural) pronouns, but is "mama" to his daughter, and is usually included/welcomed as "one of the girls" socially. He usually wears traditionally masculine clothes and appears "male" but also often wears makeup.

I asked him to be my MOH but welcomed him to choose his own title. We brainstormed a bit and agreed on "Sibling of Honor." I gave him a color and asked him to wear whatever he wants. I had already planned to have my bridal party carry lanterns decorated with flowers instead of bouquets, so he'll carry one as well!

Talking to your sibling to find about their thoughts and feelings on how they're currently wanting to present, and the type of role they *want* and feel comfortable with for your wedding is really the next step!

@Mallory - cool. I'll let them know they can give it to you.

Delfina, I want to apologize if I caused offense; perhaps "compromise" was not the correct word. I wasn't suggesting that OP's sibling should hide who they are. I would never ask that of anyone. My sister is gay, and I know that was hard enough for her at first, without struggling with gender identity. It was just a thought, depending of course where they are at in their transition at that time and what they are comfortable with. My apologies again.

@Ashley, thanks for that. I know you didn't mean offense.

It's just that the trans community gets asked to accept crumbs all the time. Being called a sibling but not a brother/sister or a child but not a son/daughter. People deigning to use the singular they pronoun instead of he or she as the individual prefers. And yes, being allowed to wear certain clothes that straddle the gender barrier but having the full range of clothing choices limited. And, of course, no one would ever tell a cisgendered woman not to wear a dress to a wedding.

I get that that isn't what you were going for though now. And thanks for clarifying.

First of all, she told you she's a woman, so you need to stop referring to her as "him."

I doubt she will wear a dress to your wedding unless she comes out as transgender beforehand. Unless she's a huge attention seeker, I'm sure the thought of coming out during her sister's wedding by wearing a dress is not going to cross her mind (or even be something she would want).

I say give it some more time. Wait a bit before asking. Things may change by then and you might automatically know what is best for him to wear.

I just read through all the comments and just wanted to say I think it's great that you are taking the amazing advice you have been given here. This will be a huge transition for your family but with a lot of love and acceptance I really think by the time your wedding comes what your sibling wears to your wedding truly won't matter to you at all.