Married before turning 20?

Thank you @AshleyK. !

@stephanieJane - thank you for taking the time to respond. I could not agree more with you that it isn't just younger couples who end up unhappy. My cousin and her husband were in their 30's when they married and are miserable. I do think the chances of being in that camp are much higher when you are young because you truly don't know yourself yet. I am not trying to patronize you at all by saying that. People told me that when I was 20 and getting married and I just knew it would be different for me because I knew exactly what my plan was and what I was talking about. My stepDD felt exactly the same and it was disastrous. She is now 29 and still finding her way - we are grateful she is not trying to rear a family while she finds her way.

I do wish you the very best in the decisions you make and I hope your road to life is what you envision. I really do! But as The Centerpiece Flowers said, I would not (did not) rejoice when our 18 yo DD decided to get married. We were right about the things we were concerned about.

Jeleebeenz, I'm far more interested in your post that Stephanie Jane's. As diplomatically as she has conducted herself on this thread, I know (and you probably do as well) that she's going to marry her prom date/best friend. His parents think they've delivered the nuclear bomb to their son-- get out of our house. In response, he's living with her parents. What a man. Remember being a headstrong, I know it all, teenager? She's not really posting for advice. She's posting because she wants to figure out how to combat those who tell her that she's too young to marry another 18 year old..

I looked at her profile. They are children. Their photos reflect two teens -- the male is so young that I'm wondering if he checks the mirror each day for evidence of a beard. I don't believe she's open to advice. I think she's open to arguments from women who cannot support the engagement of two teenagers.

Shes already judging -- at the age of 18, she has deemed her boyfriend's father a non-recovered alcoholic. She's already said that their wedding won't include alcohol (because of a drunk dad) -- a wedding that is at least two years from now. Children playing adult...it never works out.

Everyone's situation is different and so I'm not going to weigh in on whether or not it's a good idea. When I was 18 I thought it was a great idea. I got married at 19 to my high school sweetheart. We started growing apart around age 25 and got divorced around age 32. That was my own experience. Other posters have mentioned people who got married young and are still together. What I do want to give my opinion about is the fact that you don't want to invite his parents to the wedding. I think it would be best to work on reconciling that problem before planning a wedding, especially if the hard feelings and hurtful comments only started after your engagement.

@Jeleebeenz and @TheCenterPieceFlowers I never said the concerns you had were wrong. And I have thought about them. I am sorry that I have angered some of you. I really was only look to understand other opinions. I just don't understand why you have said some of the things that you have. I know I am not be as matured as some of you and I value having advice. But I do have to say that some of the things you have said about me and my FH are just wrong assumptions. I apologize for anything I have said to offend anyone. I hope that I can continue to be a part of the WW community.

@Jacqui76 I understand. As I said before that was his call not mine. Thank you for your opinion, I greatly appreciate it.

Late to the thread but here's my story, OP. DH and I started "dating" at 14 and married at 22. At around the age of 20 we felt like we were ready, but decided to wait until we both had our Bachelor's degrees. I am so glad we waited. In the years after high school, everything changes, from your financial responsibilities to your social life. In those years, we never stopped growing together, but there was a certain level of individual growth we both had to go through.

Also, marrying young really affects your social groups. Marriage takes a lot of time and work, and it's something your friends in their early 20's won't understand. I think, had we married at 20, we would have lost a lot of friends or would never had become friends with many our current friends, because we wouldn't have been able to relate to them as a married couple. At the end, doing what's right for you is something only you can decide, but from my experience, enjoy your late teens/early 20's. Get through school, make your 20-something year old friends, have your first drink in a bar, and keep growing with your FH.

@Nicole Thank you Friends is a new topic for me to consider

I just wanted to point out that if both parents aren't fully supportive there will likely be strain, resentment, or hard feelings at some point between the two of you. I was strongly considering dropping out of college at 18 to marry my boyfriend at the time who was in the military. My parents were totally unsupportive of my considerations of marriage at 18. It sounds like his parents do like you, they just don't think you're at a stage of life to be making this decision. Not that the way his parents are acting is ok, but they honestly may just be looking out for you both and there is probably a lot of validity to their concerns. Looking back I cannot believe I was even thinking about marriage before I was totally financially supporting myself by living on my own, paying all of my bills and had a professional career. You may be very mature for your age, as I even was at 18, but at 18 you're hardly old enough to even call yourself an adult and make major adult decisions such as marriage.

@EmilyO. His parents have not liked me since a few months after we began dating. I am still not sure why. Before we got together they loved having me around, so it was hard for me to take when they told him to break up with me because they didn't like me anymore. It is still hard. Anyway, I understand that I am barely into adulthood and its hard to justify making major life decisions at this age. But I do have support from everyone who knows me and his (except for his parents). But I really appreciate your advice. I assure you I have thought about this a lot. We didn't by any means jump to being engaged, we discussed it a lot before he proposed. He did ask my parents blessing as well.

While your responses have been mature and well-written, there's still a lot to be said for your motivation -- which is to get what you want when you want it. Because you don't want to worry about things falling apart. Can you honestly say that's a mature attitude?

@ZoeB. My motivation is to be with the man I love, and to grow with him for the rest of my life. I do not find that wanting to marry a few years earlier than some would consider a good time to get married makes my motivation immature. I want to marry when I am almost 20 because I believe I will be ready then and so with FH. I have accepted that I may be wrong, but I will not know until closer to the time.

Thanks @Stephanie for addressing the concern about the alcohol at the wedding. I'm a little confused though because as of now you're not even sure if his parents will come to the wedding. If they don't come then his alcoholic father wouldn't even be a problem. And even if he does come, you'll find most people on here would say that just because one person is an alcoholic, doesn't mean you should punish all your other guests who drink responsibly. If he really is an alcoholic, he'll figure a way to smuggle in his own alcohol even if it's a dry wedding, and if you do provide alcohol the bartenders should be able to cut him off if he's had too much (and possibly hire security). My sister had someone at her wedding who was a recovering alcoholic (a groomsman) and they still served alcohol. I think the only time on here that people are okay with a full dry wedding is for religious reasons. And even someone on here who didn't have alcohol because of her religion said that even if she had one guest who wasn't part of the same religion she would have served something because that is the proper way to host your guests. Even if it's a champagne toast and wine on the tables, or beer and wine during the night guests will still want it. This is something you can maybe lurk on other posts to see that people are very against dry weddings and cash bars. So I would still stand by my statement to at least wait until you're 21 (but I'm also still standing by the statement that sometimes people don't change and sometimes young couples really do work out fine).

However, you're still not sure if things might be patched up with your FH's parents or maybe by the time you're 21 his dad will have given up alcohol, etc.

I know thinking of having a wedding is exciting and thinking of being married is also very exciting, but waiting maybe at least one more year seems like a good idea.

You can do the things you're motivated to do without getting married. If you've accepted that you may be wrong, but you're just going to do it anyway... Do you think that's mature?

@HappyInHawaii I had not considers alcohol too much because FH doesn't want it. It might be something I will need to discuss with my guests and determine how to go about that. Thank you for all your helpful words!

@ZoeB. I'm not just going to do it anyway. I take this all seriously. My FH and I have attended our first pre martial counseling session since I posted originally and we are talking out all of our concerns and so far we have determined that we are still on the same page.

Sorry for all the edits, I am using my phone and keep noticing typos.

FH and I met 9 years ago, when we were 14.. If FH and I had been together when we were 18, I would have married him.

We're both very different people now than we were then, we each did our own thing and grew and changed completely independently of one another - and yet, we both grew in the same direction anyways.

However I do agree you should wait til college is over. Not because I think you'll break up, but because college is so stressful (including the first year after graduation, post-grad depression is real) and you don't need your first years of marriage to be like that.

ETA: it seems the topic has changed, lemme go back and actually read the thread...

@AmandaJefferey221 Yes it has changed a bit. I do understand why we might want to wait until after college. It is still possible that we may, because he will be finished with school before me.

Personally I think you guys have the tools to move into marriage. I hate when people assume kids will come immediately after, because for example, FH and I don't want kids. And yes, accidents happen. But they happen to unmarried people as well. Also statistics are misleading. There are dozens of myth debunking articles about divorce statistics.

The double standard is crazy. I frequently get told FH and I are nuts for not just eloping before he deployed because my rent and bills would have been paid for and we would have made a ton of extra money. And yet...I was barely 21 and didn't feel ready. And then you have 20 year olds who feel ready but get told they're rushing into it.

It's all so dependent on the person. You said you guys have already done one pre-marital counseling session when you're *tentatively* getting married two years from now, and you have no problems postponing it even further? Nah, I think you can handle it.

As for his parents...it seems you think they just hate you and not the fact that you guys are getting married young. Has your FH asked them why? Maybe they're afraid you're holding him back. Maybe they're afraid you'll "take all his money when you leave him." FH's mother was hesitant until she overheard me budget planning and talking about helping FH get more certifications in his field before I go to grad school. Knowing that I was going to help him and support him, and not hold him back, made her warm up to the idea pretty much immediately.