Married before turning 20?

I agree with his parents. Honestly, the fact that you're considering not inviting his parents because of how concerned they are about your young ages makes me think you're not mature enough to get married. I'm glad you're planning a long engagement. Use that time to grow as people and don't start planning yet and definitely don't sign any contracts for venues/vendors yet.

@JayFarrellPhotography We aren't in a rush, we just want to get married when we're ready to. Which we feel will be in March of 2017. If we start approaching that date and realize we aren't ready for whatever reason we will postpone, and we will plan in a way that allows for that. As for his parents, I know at least part of their issue is that he is marrying me.

In our families (FH and myself) marrying before 21 is quite common. My sister married at 20 and she's still married with kids now. You know when the time is right! Welcome to WW

@ElizabethK. We have discussed not inviting them for many reason more than just that they do not agree with us marrying young. There have been many issues with them throughout the entire time I've known him. Ultimately it will be his discussion if they are invited or not. I have never, and would never tell him they couldn't come.

@Adoreramm thanks! It's pretty common for my family too, my older brother got married at 18.

I always feel a little weird saying I don't think it's a good idea marrying so young because my parents did and it worked for them, but in most cases I think it's a bad idea and they'd probably advise against it too. My mom was 19, my dad was 20 now 6 kids and just about 41 years later they're still happily married. That being said she was pregnant and he was in the Air Force about to be stationed in a different state and it was the 70s. If I got married at 18 I definitely would be divorced by now.

ETA: words and stuff

I think that's very young to be married, but you seem to have a plan, which is good. I've (sort of) been in the same situation. DH and I started dating right before I turned 16 and were discussing marriage by 17. We got engaged on my 21st birthday while we were both in college. I got a lot of concern from my family about that, but they were all on board when we got married at 23/24. I think that timeline was the right decision for us. I couldn't have planned a wedding while we were in college.

A few things about higher education: 1) it can put all kinds of stress on your relationship, from financial to worrying about grades. 2) it also restricts your time. There is no way that I could have planned a wedding while I was in college (or now--grad school is even crazier). As wonderful as they are, weddings are very stressful to plan and finance. It may be too much for you to plan while in school.

@kahlcara I understand that it may be stressful to plan my wedding now. I've thought about it a lot actually. But we're going to take it as it comes, if its too difficult then we can wait a bit longer

Just echoing everyone's comments that you are taking feedback very well. My parents were high school sweethearts: started dating at 15/17, and got married at 21/23 when my mom was pregnant with me. And my mother always told my brothers and me that she wanted us to "play the field" and not follow in her footsteps, because it didn't quite work out for my parents. So I've always been of the opinion that it's better not to get married too young. But of course there are also people who get married young and turn out just fine. Everyone is different. It's great that you are planning a long engagement and taking your time with that. Whatever you ultimately choose, I wish you the best.

Thank you @MzRosaLu!

It's really hard/expensive to delay a wedding once you've started planning because you lose deposits. I agree with PPs - there's no real reason for you guys to get married at 20 other than you want to. There's nothing wrong with continuing to grow as an engaged couple, living together, etc and getting married later once you finish school and have solid career paths started. There's not a prize at the end for being married longer than other people or married sooner. Give yourselves times to finish growing up and then start planning a wedding assuming you're still together. You may find you end up wanting different things. I'd also take into consideration that his parents are so against this. There is probably a reason and they may have a valid point. Real life isn't Romeo and Juliet; don't ignore older/wiser people for ~*true love*~ (not saying you are - you're taking advice very well here! just saying to consider it)

@Stephanie I know we could lose deposits which is why we won't officially start planning until after we go to pre-martial counseling and try to sort things out with his parents.

I see no problem with it. I will turn 21 six days before our wedding. We have been together for over 5 years. We have similar political views, religion, goals for the future, and we mesh well together. He's my best friend and we are excited to get married and spend our lives together.

That being said I think getting married at a young age is a case to case basis and depends entirely on the people involved.

Furthermore, it doesn't matter what anyone here thinks about you marrying young. In the end you will do what you feel is best and it will either workout or it won't. That's not to say it's because of your age. People marry at all ages and they don't all workout, even for couples who marry older.

I'm going to be the odd one out and say that if you feel like you are ready, go for it. I was actually engaged at 19 to my FW! We ended up deciding we weren't financially stable enough for it at the time, but if you are, then by all means! Be sure to do the pre-marital counseling, but to be honest, my grandparents got married at 18 and 20 and just died a few years ago 4 months apart (my grandfather from nothing but a broken heart!). It sounds like you're not jumping into things and are being smart about it.

Also, statistics using only one reference point (age) are going to be flawed in the fact that it doesn't take any other outside factors into view (childhood interaction with relationships, personal responsibility, history of abuse in either person's family, etc).

Personally, I wasn't ready when I was 18-19, but if you feel that you are: only you know! :-)

I think it's nice that you are planning to have a long engagement. However, I would suggest waiting until you're both done with school. Not only is it stressful, but you change a lot through college. I was in a serious relationship at 18 and nearly dropped out of college to get married. Thank goodness I didn't because I would most definitely be divorced and probably have a child and may have missed out on meeting my FH.

I'm so happy for you. But I'm also going to advise caution. I got married at 19. And divorced at 21. The facts are these, human brains are still growing and changing until your mid 20s. The person you are at 18 is not who you will be at 25, and 30, and 35. Not that you need to wait that long. It's great that your parents met and married early and have lasted. But their advice should be respected. They know how terribly hard it is to finish growing up while married. Because that's where you are. I know it doesn't feel like it. You feel like an adult. But that "18" is a line drawn pretty arbitrarily by people and doesn't account for the biology. Getting married young is VERY hard work. And if it doesn't work out, it can mess you up for years.

I know you will do what you want. Love is like that. It makes you feel invincible and like nothing could tear you apart. But the two of you will absolutely change, probably a great deal, in the next decade. If you can negotiate that together, fantastic. If you decide to do this, please please please see a counselor on a regular basis throughout your engagement and the first years of your marriage. No, your parent probably didn't, but they are most definitely the exception, not the rule.

It's easy to point to marriage from the early and mid part of the 20th century and say "hey it worked for them!" But you need to remember that for them, divorce was literally not an option. And those marriages produced a lot of alcoholics and drug addicts (mother's little helpers). And it screwed up their kids too.

I don't know. I wish you the best. I hope for the best. But the odds are most definitely not in your favor.

I think it all depends on the type of people you are. if your mature people who have separated yourselves from dependency of your parents, who aren't afraid to work hard for you want and understand that life is not easy and there will be down times, you stand a good chance. I've seen people marry young and years later they are still going strong and I've seen older people get married and not make it a couple of years. Good luck and welcome!

If you are ready for it then go for it. My FH and I have been together since I was 15 and he was 17. I am now 20 and he is 23. Very few have problems with us getting married (the ones who do are on his side of the family and make it awkward but I don't care). We spent four of our almost 6 years together long distance ( almost 1,000 miles apart). We have both graduated high school and college, we have an apartment together and both have jobs. If you are comfortable with it and feel like it's the right decision, don't let anyone else's' opinions get in your way!

If I were your mother, I would not celebrate the fact that you are 18 and engaged. You won't relate to my reasons, and that's because I've been your age, but you haven't been mine.

At the age of 18, life (as an adult) is in front of you. You do not have the ability to frame the possibilities of the future in anything beyond the past (and that's why you place such a premium on the fact that you "grew up" with you FH). You talk about being 12 years old with FH, and those kinds of justifications for early marriage tend to freak parents out. Why? Because by the time a person hits middle age, that adolescent justification equals a big "so what?". I guarantee that 39 year old Stephanie Jane will roll her eyes when she thinks of the certainty with which 18 year old Stephanie Jane approached the premature idea of a life partner.

The law says you can't order an alcoholic beverage before the age of 21. Why? Because stats prove that those under the age of 18 tend to make impulsive decisions. It all has to do with the developmental level of the teenage brain (and you are both teenagers).

The best advice I can give you is this: Job number one is to build a foundation for your life that allows you to rest secure in the knowledge that you can take care of you -- with or without a man or a roommate. Build your credit (don't rely on anyone's credit but your own), get your education (because that education is your ticket to autonomy), travel (prove to yourself that you can navigate the planet without help), and spend a year or two paying your own rent or mortgage. Walk into your marriage as the full, independent package you can be. Present yourself as someone who has options, and those options are available to you because you did the work necessary to put them into place.

Sure, lots of "highschool sweethearts" are still married after 40 years. Just because they are still married, it doesn't mean their marriages are a dream come true, a Disney fairytale, or an "I'd do it all over again" scenario. After three or four decades of marriage, the idea of presenting your aged and aching body to a new man/woman isn't all that appealing (in fact, it's damn terrifying). After those decades, the thought of splitting a nice nest egg in half is repugnant. Miserable couples still share anniversaries, if not lives. Remember, just because two people have decided to stay together doesn't prove that one or both parties haven't spent a good amount of time privately ruminating over a life that could have been if they had explored their (suddenly clear) options before signing on the dotted line a little too early -- at a time in which they were at their physical apex and flooded with an interest in the world they could have explored on their own and at their own pace. The human psyche is a complicated thing, and one of the most confusing aspects of humanity is that the younger generation refuses to embrace the wisdom that is freely offered from the generation that's already walked the path the younger generation is about to experience. There's nothing new under the sun.

Hey, my friends are all in their later 40's/early 50's. I'm not making this up. Take your time. Take your time. Take your time.